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Appreciate Your Adversaries, IV

Guest post by: Michael Hume

Article Overview: On the occasion of the annual holiday honoring the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., it's appropriate to think again about how to be a more inspirational leader. Being more inspiring is one of the top goals of most of my leadership clients, and they know it all starts by being more inspired themselves. And a great technique employed by inspirational leaders is to learn to appreciate their adversaries....

Appreciate Your Adversaries, IV

Think You Can't Coach Your Boss? Think Again On the occasion of the annual holiday honoring the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., it's appropriate to think again about how to be a more inspirational leader. Being more inspiring is one of the top goals of most of my leadership clients, and they know it all starts by being more inspired themselves. And a great technique employed by inspirational leaders is to learn to appreciate their adversaries.

The Reverend King would probably have enjoyed this series. He might've preferred the scriptural expression "Love your enemies," but in the tough business world of today (and in a society characterized by cynicism), that might seem like a stretch. Many inspirational leaders in business and other walks of life, though, are able to effectively appreciate their adversaries.

You know there are basically two types of person out there, and inside each of us. One type, the personally-responsible hero I call the Entrepreneur, often finds herself at war with the other type - the critical and despondent villain I refer to as the Victim. These two types are natural "enemies," and sometimes you can't find a shred of common ground with a person who's deeply dug-in as a Victim. If you have an opponent who's like that - a person who's decided to adopt Victimhood as a full-time lifestyle choice - the best you can do is fight the good fight, handle the conflict, and work to prevail. However, since all of us have an inner Victim, since we'll each be dominated by the inner nature we feed, and since it's VERY easy to slip into Victimhood from time to time in our lives, I counsel that it's better to assume there's an inner Entrepreneur buried inside your adversary who's hungry, and can't wait for the sort of feast of inspiration you might be able to deliver if you can find a way to appreciate your counterpart.

When you find a way to appreciate your adversary, you feed the Entrepreneur inside each of you... and you starve both inner Victims.

In the last installment, I talked about establishing a "feedback relationship" with your adversary. When this is done well, you can slow (even stop) the opposition you get, and you might even turn an opponent into an ally (even a friend). Easy enough, you might say... but what about the times when the power dynamic is not in your favor? It's easy enough for people like consultants and coaches (and famous dreamers like Dr. King) to inspire people, because they don't have to suck up to anyone for a paycheck. But what if your big adversary is your boss?

It turns out that you CAN coach your boss, much in the same way you would any other adversary... and if you do it well, not only will you improve your working relationship and ease the opposition (and learn a thing or two yourself), you're likely to find your boss really appreciates it. They say it's lonely at the top - it is. Once you're promoted, it's harder than you'd know to get people to tell you what they really think. So think about coaching the boss - and keep these "safety tips" in mind.

First, start by not being part of the rank-and-file Victims your boss deals with all the time. You know the group - the ones hanging around the break room and griping behind the boss' back about how they'd do things so much better if they had her job. If you've been guilty of joining in with the complaints, just start pulling away from that siren call of your inner Victim. When the griping starts, you might not want to argue with your buddies, but you can keep your mouth shut. If you do join the discussion, try to replace things like "Yeah, she really screwed that up" by saying things like "Yeah, she really seems to be struggling with that." And remember, if you've ever griped about the boss, you need to be prepared to be honest about it. "Yes, I did say that back then," you might find yourself having to say, "but I'm really trying to be a better person these days and find ways to help." It's amazing how you find that, every time it's tried, real honesty is greatly appreciated!

Second, armed with a true attitude of helpfulness, take up your issues with the boss in private. This is crucial. If you confront him in front of the team, he has no choice but to regain control by leveraging the power dynamic... and he's right to do so. He can't have insubordination in the ranks and have ANY hope of leading the team to accomplishing its mission. If he confronts you in public, be humble, refrain from being defensive, and simply ask for a private meeting to discuss it further... but don't do anything to leave yourself open to an accusation of insubordination.

Third, ask your boss (again, in private) for permission to give him feedback. This is a good idea even if you're establishing a feedback relationship with a colleague - but it's crucial when you're on a lower rung of the ladder than your coachee. Even in private, you don't want to be insubordinate. Ask the boss often if he's okay with what you're saying, and try to use a great deal of empathy. Remember, however tough you think your job is, the boss' job is probably a lot tougher, and in ways you can't always see. That's where the appreciation comes in... would you want to be the one your boss' boss lands on for the performance and behavior of your entire team? Maybe your boss is a wreck, and in desperate need of coaching... but there are parts of his job you really wouldn't want.

Finally, make sure your feedback is always fact-based. You can say what the emotional impact of the boss' behavior was on you, but first say clearly what you saw or heard. Start with the facts... and end with a suggestion or proposed solution. Also: inform, but don't accuse. And if you bring up anything a third party said or did, and that person's not in the room, you're better off making those assertions anonymous. "I'm hearing a number of folks saying X" is okay, as long as it's true... but expect the boss to ask who said what. You have to be careful - it's best to say you'd rather just leave it as a general comment you've heard, but remember that you'll be responsible for the content of that message as long as you don't have anyone else to whom you can attribute it.

If you appreciate your boss, even if she seems to have set herself in opposition to you, you can find it in yourself to help her. Maybe this will be the year you pluck up the courage to do just that. If you want help, contact a good leadership coach (drop me a line!) and ask for some insight and role-playing sessions... it'll help you feel prepared, which will help you feel empowered.

Griping is easy - appreciation is hard. That's why only a few rank-and-file folks are ever promoted to positions from which they can fulfill their inspirational potential. It's true that some people seem to get ahead "politically," but those folks tend to be storing up a hard fall for themselves. Start instead with appreciation... coach your boss... get a promotion... and be the inspirational leader about whom the troops aren't spending quite so much time griping in the break room.

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Article Tags: entrepreneurship, health wealth and happiness, inspirational leadership, personal responsibility



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