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Don't Try To Convert A Victim

Guest post by: Michael Hume

Article Overview: Whatever your career aspirations, you will not arrive at your destination without learning how to deal with the Victims you'll encounter. Find your own style - every effective leader's is different. And whatever you do, don't fall victim to victimhood yourself. You are an Entrepreneur in spirit, and a positive inspirational leader as demonstrated in the activities you do in just being yourself, every day....

Don't Try To Convert A Victim

Just Be Yourself, And Demonstrate Inspirational Leadership I have a client who's a young, emerging leader and a real rising star in her business unit. Today, she and I talked about what it takes to rise above the sort of petty, backbiting attacks perpetrated by those co-workers who are not rising stars - the "victim-types" one unavoidably finds in any organization.

You know the sort of things I'm talking about: gossip, meanness, personal attacks, passive-aggressive manipulations, and the like. My client took on a new role a couple of months ago, and gets along great with everyone in her new unit except for one person - I'll call her "Vickie," short for "Victim." Lately, Vickie has managed to fire the usual salvos at my client: "Stop working so hard, you make the rest of us look bad," "Stop being so happy, this is a crummy job," and "You're just here because (the boss) likes you, for some unknown reason."

Vickie is a great example of what I've often coached and written about. There are two types of person within each of us - the Victim, and the Entrepreneur - and we tend to be dominated in our daily lives by one or the other of those "selves." No shock here: you're dominated by the self you feed and nourish, not by the one you starve.

If you expect to be taken care of by others, if you don't want to solve problems but are happy to criticize the way others do, if you're always negative, if life and work are always bad and getting worse, and if you're competitive but have given up on winning in the game of life... unfortunately, you're like Vickie. If, on the other hand, you expect to solve your own problems and still have some energy left over for taking care of others, if you're always a positive and upbeat ray of sunshine in every room you enter, if life and work are always good and getting better, and if your first thought is to reach beyond competition to collaboration... whether or not you own your own business, you're an Entrepreneur, like my young client.

As I told my client today, you are in a great position to demonstrate inspirational leadership when you're the Entrepreneur in the office, there's one main Victim who's set herself up as your adversary, and you are NOT the Person In Charge. Once you're promoted to management, your ability to lead through decision making is enhanced... but when you're no longer "one of us," your capacity to lead through inspiration and influence, while possibly still strong, is diminished and limited.

The first step is to abandon the notion of trying to convert the Victim, or to change her in any way. Only her own inner Entrepreneur can do that. She's a person who has given up on life, and certainly on her work and career... if she weren't, she wouldn't be the big Victim in the shop. She will unleash attack after vicious attack, in an effort to get your inner Victim to join in. You must NOT allow that. Instead, focus on your interactions with everyone else (ignoring Vickie as much as possible), and make sure you publicly react to every "attack" by giving the Entrepreneur's response.

When you're accused of working too hard, and thus making others look bad, respond (with a smile on your face) that you just can't help it... you love your job, and it doesn't feel like work! You're not trying to make anyone look bad; you're trying to make the company (not yourself) look good to its customers.

When Vickie talks (usually behind your back to your coworkers) about how your sunny disposition doesn't match the crummy job, respond with surprise when you hear about it... you don't know why anyone would think this is a crummy job! Wonder aloud what folks would rather be doing, and if they would rather, why they aren't doing something else... but keep smiling (only the Victim is vindictive).

And remember that there's something to the charge that you've risen to your position because the boss likes you. Bosses always like their positive, hard-working employees! Only the Victim's perverse way of thinking would find any shame in being liked by the boss.

Sometimes, it's necessary to confront Vickie directly. But that's usually the boss' job, and it typically involves a little thing managers call "progressive discipline." If you think it's a good idea to confront her yourself, as a colleague, my advice is to get some coaching on how to conduct an assertive (not aggressive) discussion with a passive-agressive co-worker, and role-play the discussion several times with your coach in advance of the "real" talk. If you need a coach, give me a call - I'm an expert at a surprisingly affordable rate.

Whatever your career aspirations, you will not arrive at your destination without learning how to deal with the Victims you'll encounter. Find your own style - every effective leader's is different. And whatever you do, don't fall victim to victimhood yourself. You are an Entrepreneur in spirit, and a positive inspirational leader as demonstrated in the activities you do in just being yourself, every day.

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Article Tags: entrepreneurship, health wealth and happiness, inspirational leadership, personal responsibility



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