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How To Calm An Angry Person, II

Guest post by: Michael Hume

Article Overview: If you want to be an inspirational leader, you have to deal in the realm of emotions. I've had several clients over the years who sought to manage from pure logic, from rational analysis, from a perspective that "the numbers will tell us what to do." That's OK for management, and people certainly appreciate knowing they're doing the logically-correct thing, but it's an approach that falls short of the sort of inspirational leadership that ignites the passion to go beyond the "correct" to the "great...."

How To Calm An Angry Person, II

Don't Take It Personally If you want to be an inspirational leader, you have to deal in the realm of emotions. I've had several clients over the years who sought to manage from pure logic, from rational analysis, from a perspective that "the numbers will tell us what to do." That's OK for management, and people certainly appreciate knowing they're doing the logically-correct thing, but it's an approach that falls short of the sort of inspirational leadership that ignites the passion to go beyond the "correct" to the "great."

Of course, like most things, emotions have a downside. When you try to inspire the great emotions in your people - passion, zeal, loyalty - there is some risk that negative emotions will occasionally be released. After all, if you aren't the master of your emotions, you'll find that they sometimes master you; and not all of your people will be masters of their own emotions.

For that reason, the inspirational leader has to know how to calm an angry person. And it's not just your direct-reports who might occasionally "go off" on you - if you own your own business, you know that sometimes it's a customer whose expectations haven't been met, or a vendor, or even your best business partner. Regardless, you have to know how to calm an angry person.

In a previous piece, I discussed the importance of reducing the emotional content of the interaction. Remember that, when a person is possessed by the Anger Demon, the rational side of her brain is not available. In a few minutes, after the adrenaline ventilates (and the yelling subsides), the person will calm enough on her own to re-engage rationally. However, be aware that more "flare-ups" are probably in store.

It is very difficult to avoid being sucked into a "debate" with an angry person... but you must wait to make your rational points until both parties are rational. One of the Anger Demon's favorite tricks is to bait you with personal attacks. My consulting clients are accustomed to being called "young kids," or "overpriced college nerds," or the like, when their clients flare up. The well-coached consultant dismisses those snide comments, though, realizing it's the anger talking and it isn't really directed at him personally.

Occasionally I'll meet resistance when I'm coaching a leader to ignore personal attacks in the heat of the moment. Justifiably, most leaders (who've achieved a leadership position because they are accomplished) don't like to be talked to that way. However, the truth is that it doesn't help the situation to "fight back," and in most cases, doing so (however correct you are) will just make things worse.

It's some consolation to know that, when most people blow-up, they are later embarrassed that they were at the mercy of their own emotions. If you give them a bit of a free pass by not making an effort to punish them for saying things they didn't mean (assuming it's a one-off event and not a chosen pattern of bullying), the formerly-angry person typically feels like they owe you one, and your ability to handle the anger professionally can actually build the relationship.

You shouldn't seek to upset people just so you can build the relationship, though!

If you want to be a great inspirational leader, be good at knowing how to calm an angry person. Start by reducing the emotions in the moment, and remember not to take personally whatever proceeds from the Anger Demon possessing your counterpart. There's more to dealing with anger, but if you can be patient, listen, and empathize, you're likely to be seen as an inspiring professional, and an emotionally-intelligent leader.

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Article Tags: entrepreneurship, health wealth and happiness, inspirational leadership, personal responsibility



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