Tweet

Someone On Your Team Rub You The Wrong Way?

Guest post by: Michael Hume

Article Overview: You can't make someone like you, and most people think you can't even make yourself like another person. I would agree. There's no magic trick you can use to turn someone from "not my favorite person" to a good buddy... but if you need to inspire someone with whom you don't enjoy a great relationship, there are a few things you can do to try to build more of a sense of collaboration. I've had some success with all three of these, both on the part of clients I've coached and in my own experience; but as they say in those weight-loss commercials, your results may vary.

Someone On Your Team Rub You The Wrong Way?

Here Are Three Ideas To Help You Build More Collaboration One of the toughest problems facing many of the leaders I've coached has been trying to collaborate with someone with whom they just don't get along. "I don't know what it is," said one of my coaching clients in describing the problem, "the guy and I just don't click. I know he doesn't like me; I'm not sure why. He's not my favorite person either, but I'm trying to reach out to the guy because I still have to work with him. If I can, I even need to inspire him. What can I do?"

You can't make someone like you, and most people think you can't even make yourself like another person. I would agree. There's no magic trick you can use to turn someone from "not my favorite person" to a good buddy... but if you need to inspire someone with whom you don't enjoy a great relationship, there are a few things you can do to try to build more of a sense of collaboration. I've had some success with all three of these, both on the part of clients I've coached and in my own experience; but as they say in those weight-loss commercials, your results may vary.

First, check yourself out. Have you really put your best foot forward with this person? The first time you ask yourself that question, of course, you'll say you've given it your best shot. But go back over the first few interactions with this person. Did you say or do something to put them off, even inadvertently? What about the circumstances under which you were introduced... might someone else have set the relationship up for failure, even if unintentionally? If you can think of something you did to offend the person, even if you didn't mean to, or even if it was a seemingly harmless thing that could've been misinterpreted, apologize. (Some people refuse to apologize if they can't convince themselves they've done something wrong... if that's you, this won't work for you. You don't have to apologize, of course, but refusing to do so leaves a tool sitting idly in your toolbox that might otherwise be of some use.) If you honestly can't think of anything you've done, ask the person! If you reach out with something like "I feel like you and I might have gotten off to a bumpy start; did I offend you?" - it might go some distance in helping the other person feel better about the relationship. At the very least, you will have put them on notice (in a nice way) that you are aware of the tension in the relationship, and that it's not acceptable to you. Getting those messages across is crucial.

Here's another idea that might sound a little crazy to you: make a list of the things you genuinely appreciate about the person. Maybe she puts you off with her blunt, harsh style... but maybe you can appreciate what a brilliant problem-solver she is. He might drive you nuts talking and talking all day... but he might be one of the most creative folks you've met. Try to write down at least three things you genuinely appreciate about the person. It might help you shift your perspective on him or her, at least a little bit. Sometimes that can make all the difference.

Finally, here's a trick I learned as a stage actor that has worked really well in some situations like this. Write a bio, or life-story, about this person. Importantly, don't interview him or her and write it factually: make it up! Most people behave in ways that are rational - from the perspective of what's gone into their lives that has brought them to where they are today. In the theater profession, we often made use of this technique to help us understand why the characters we were portraying would do the things the script directed them to do, or say the scripted lines, or make the scripted choices. So what back-story would make your co-worker's behavior make sense? I'm not saying you should psycho-analyze the person, or excuse their rotten behavior as resultant from an imagined bad childhood or something. What I'm saying is that the person's behavior is very likely to be rational in some world - theirs - and it's a world you haven't imagined yet. Writing their bio might help you gain the insight you need to build enough empathy for the person to make a difference in collaboration - and even inspiration.

There are some people for whom these techniques won't work. There are some you'll never "click with." For instance, if I think someone has broken the major rules of life, I distance myself from that person, and I do so with a clear conscience (I want to spend my time and life with people I like and respect). Still other folks do have some mental or emotional problems that prohibit them from connecting with you - they might be withdrawn, or even passive-aggressive. But you should know that the percentage of the population that falls into these categories is low. If you discern a pattern - if it seems like every other person assigned to your team is a psychopath or a sociological misfit - you may need to consider that the problem is not with the other folks, but with you. But for many run-of-the-mill cases of failure to get along with a teammate, you might have luck with these approaches.

It couldn't hurt to try.

Related Articles
  Oil, Water, and Teamwork
  Decision Making Processes Doing the Best You Can
  Leadership: A Way of Thinking, Not a Position
  Team Building
  Assembly a Successful Sales Team
  Button Button - Do You Have the Right Button?
  It's The Way That You Say It That Makes The Difference
  Is the customer always right?
  Teamwork
  Empowering Asian Mindsets through Coaching
  I Wasn't Losing……..
  Team Excellence Second Ingredient - The Right People
  Team Effort
  Purpose is the Starting Point of Success
  Team Excellence Fourth Ingredient - A Great Leader
  Its Not What You Say - It's The Way That You Say It
  Proving customers wrong only makes them right
  Team Marketing: The Right Approach
  Six Teaming Tips For Leaders
  Lessons from the Harvard Recruitment Process

Article Tags: asking questions, communication listening, inspirational leadership, personal responsibility



Related Forum Posts
Re: Anyone Uses Elance.com? Guru.com? Rentacoder.com? - I've had quite a bit of success on oDesk.com. I've never used Elance so I can't compare. I like oDesk.com 'cos I get to sort thru people (e.g. within a certain bid range) with a single click. I find their help response very quick and I like the oDesk Team software that "providers" must install. This gives me the Buyer more insight as to what I am paying for. The Team software takes screenshots of the Providers screen on 10 min increments so I can see that the person is infact doing work for me.
Re: Why Franchises Fail - [quote="Nana":307g5e63]Another reason franchises can fail is due to lack of effort on the franchisees part. If the franchisee does not give it their 110% and purely imitates rather than innovates they will increase their chance of failure.[/quote:307g5e63] I agree. Sometimes franchisees rely too much on the franchisor. They think the franchisor will run their business. Wrong! The franchisee is responsible for manging day to day operations of his franchise location.
Re: FILL IN THE BLANK: One thing I did to grow my business today - Website: Posted a new article on my main business website and bookmarked it. Team: Contacted new affiliates and invited them to join my training list.
Your Intial Mistakes Business - Hi, When I started my business I had made a lot of mistakes initially. These helped me in learning the art of the trade and today when I look back, I feel that these mistakes were quite silly. I had made my learnings then and those learnings have helped me time and again. Some of the mistakes I made were - i. Wrong Time Management ii. Wasting money on glossy Brochures and Business cards iii. Believing what they taught me at school was 100% correct iv. Giving too much when it was not required...... I would like to find out what have been your faltering moments in Business when you had started and what/how did they help you grow. Regards
Re: Essential Leadership skills - Vision Values Mission Strategic Thinking Decision Making Communication Team Bonding People Development Coaching / Mentoring / Guiding / Grooming Presentation Thanks Robert


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

Make Small Commitments. Get Big Changes.

Work Life Balance: Adding White Space

Making the Most of Your Trade Show Experience

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.