Feedback Form

Tough Conversations:Talking Over What Really Matters

Tough Conversations:Talking Over What Really Matters

Tough Conversations:
Talking Over What Really Matters


Some conversations are so difficult that we do anything to avoid them. Then, when things have really built up, we finally have no choice but to confront the issue, the colleague, our spouse, or the other person with whom we feel so uncomfortable.

“We need to talk,” usually precedes an argument rather than a conversation. Why are such conversations difficult? Because we are stuck between knowing what we really feel and knowing what we shouldn’t say. We are distracted by what’s going on inside and uncertain about what is okay to share. There is so much going on between you and the other person, it is confusing. And, if you didn’t care on some level about your relationship with the other person, you wouldn’t be struggling with this in the first place.

Conversations are difficult because emotions get involved. Emotions are generated in that part of the brain called the amygdala. It is a more primitive part of the brain. When stimulated, it calls the body into fight or flight mode. Humans are genetically hard-wired to react to emotional triggers by either fighting or fleeing, two actions which had survival benefits. Those humans who were able to fight successfully, or to flee danger, survived and reproduced. Therefore, we are genetically predisposed to fight or flight.

However, we are now supposed to be socially conditioned to operate in more “civilized” ways. It is no longer appropriate to throw stones or draw fists or guns. We are supposed to handle things with conversations. Are we much different now than our ancestors? Genetically, no. This explains why we all have impulses to either blast someone or to avoid them altogether. We are in fact not hard-wired to sit down and talk it over with someone when there is a problem.

A Map of the Territory

What if there were a map to follow when you had to have a difficult conversation? What if there were steps to consider and directions to follow? Untangling the complexities of difficult conversations and breaking them down to basic components would make it easier to say what needs to be said, and still preserve relationships.

Fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project has produced some interesting information about what goes on during conflict. The book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, is written by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher (Penguin Books, 2000). Given that in life we prepare ourselves extensively for almost everything including our educations and careers, it is surprising that we haven’t studied conversations more. Now there is some data to help us to have effective conversations, especially when they involve conflict.

All difficult conversations share a common structure. To see the structure, we need to understand what is being said, and also what is not being said. We need to see what both people are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other.

Understanding the underlying structures of conversations makes them easier. There are basically three kinds of conversations, no matter what the subject. In each of these kinds of conversations, we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings.

1. The “What Happened?” conversation. There is usually disagreement about what happened or what should happen. Stop arguing about who’s right: explore each other’s stories and try to learn something new. Don’t assume they meant it. Disentangle intent from impact. Abandon blaming anyone and think in terms of contributions to the problem.

2. The “Feelings” conversation. Every difficult conversation also asks and answers questions about feelings. Are they valid? Appropriate? Should I admit them or deny them? What about the other person’s feelings, will I hurt them? What if they get angry? Often feelings are not addressed directly and so they interfere with the conversation even more.


3. The “Identity” conversation. This is where we examine what’s at stake: what do I stand to lose or gain? Am I competent or incompetent, worthy or unlovable? What impact might this have on my career, marriage, self-esteem, our relationship? These issues determine the degree to which we feel off-centered and anxious.

Every conversation involves grappling with these three components. Engaging successfully requires learning to operate within each of these three domains. Managing all three simultaneously may seem daunting, but it’s easier to do than facing the consequences of engaging in conversations blindly. Taking the time to consider each of these factors before having the difficult conversation is a first step to handling conversations better.

Here are five steps to consider when engaging in difficult conversations:
1. Decipher the underlying structure: what happened, what the feelings are, how identity is involved
2. Interpret the significance of what is said and what is not
3. Identify the erroneous but deeply ingrained assumptions that keep you stuck
4. Manage strong emotions, yours and theirs
5. Spot ways your self-image affects the conversation, and ways the conversation affects your self image

What You Can Change, What You Can’t

No matter how much we prepare we can still get tangled up in conversations where what happened is more complicated than initially presumed. We will have information the other person is unaware of and there may be things we can’t share. We will face emotionally charged situations that feel threatening because they put important aspects of our identity at risk.

In these cases, look at what we can change instead of what we can’t. We can change the way we respond to these challenges. Typically we enter into difficult conversations prepared to explain our own view points. What is needed is to hold off until we explore as much as we can the other’s person’s perspective. Enter into the conversation with a learning objective. Don’t assume that you understand enough to explain things.

Sometimes a third party can help facilitate difficult conversations. Talking it through with your personal coach can help you decipher the underlying components of a difficult conversation. Your coach can help you examine your assumptions, your emotions and your personal identity. You can have difficult conversations in a way that improves relationships instead of risking hurt feelings.

What is the biggest challenge you have encountered when having difficult conversations?
What has helped you the most?

I would love to continue this conversation with you. Please contact me at 312-842-4577 or e-mail at jcpinney@aol.com





Tough ConversationsTalking Over What Really Matters - To learn more about this author, visit Jerry Pinney's Website.

Like this article? Share it with your friends

Related Forum Posts Article Feedback
Article Feedback No article feedback found.
Leave Your Feedback

Related Articles Related Articles
Top 5 Lessons I Learned While Building a Booming Coaching Practice
  Here are the top lessons that I learned when I created my coaching practice. Apply them to your business and see the results!
100 Ways to Succeed #52
  Work Like a Dog at Your Writing!
The Customer Isn't Always Right
  A blasphemous concept? Or smart business. We take a closer look at this age old axiom.
The Entrepreneurial Author: Surviving Tough Economic Times By Jay Conrad Levinson and David L Hancock Foreward by Rick Frishman
  When I started doing promotional work, I was always given a limited budget. This meant that I had to get creative and that was one of the things that really appealed to me about promotional work. So, for a long time...
Making Money in an Economic Downturn
  If you're a savvy business person, you understand that an economic downturn is precisely the time you can have a greater impact and get a bigger bang for your marketing buck.

Related Forum Posts Related Forum Posts
Re: Kevin. What happened to all others moderators? Re: Kevin. What happened to all others moderators?
Dramatized the product Dramatized the product
Re: HABIT:... The Helper of Entrepreneur Re: HABIT:... The Helper of Entrepreneur
The Entrepreneurial Author: Surviving Tough Economic Times The Entrepreneurial Author: Surviving Tough Economic Times
Re: Obama Wants Social Security for Illegals Re: Obama Wants Social Security for Illegals
Re: Obama Wants Social Security for Illegals Re: Obama Wants Social Security for Illegals
Re: HABIT:... The Helper of Entrepreneur Re: HABIT:... The Helper of Entrepreneur
The Top 50 Get Out of Debt Blogs To Watch In 2009 The Top 50 Get Out of Debt Blogs To Watch In 2009

Related Forum Posts Related Businesses - Evan Elite Authors

To learn more about the Evan Elite Author Program please contact us.

About The Author


Jerry Pinney
(Visit Jerry's Website)
For the last fifteen years Jerry has been president of his own consulting firm. His current focus is consulting to small and mid-sized companies, non-profits, and he provides executive and personal coaching to persons who are interested in improving their quality of life. He is a workshop leader and presents workshops to organizational leaders on a wide variety of business related topics. He is a facilitator for peer advisory groups with The Alternative Board and is a Certified One Page Plan Consultant. Jerry has facilitated planning retreats and planning sessions for many organizations. Jerry possesses a unique perspective of both the wholesale and retail segments of business. He has spent his career helping small business organizations grow and succeed. He has a passion for success that he shares with his clients. Jerry is an Eagle Scout. His current volunteer activities include President of The Volunteer Center of Northwest Suburban Chicago, a mentor for MENTTIUM® and a Consultant and coach for the Executive Service Corps of Chicago. Jerry currently resides in Chicago.
About The Author

View Author Blog
View Author Blog

View Author Video
View Author Video

Free Downloads


Jerry Pinney's

Complete
List Of
Small-Business-Consulting
Articles

First Name
Last Name
Email
Is the night Dark or Bright?
 
If you enjoyed this article, get Jerry Pinney's Complete List of Small-Business-Consulting Articles For FREE!

More Jerry Pinney
Leadership Taboos Exploring Credibility
Paying Attention to What We Pay attention To
Changing Minds Just how hard is it
The Blind Leading the Blind Why You Really Need a Coach
Tough ConversationsTalking Over What Really Matters
Winning the War for Leadership Talent
The Art of Asking the Right Questions
Ready to Snap Crazy Busy and the Lure of Modern Life
Optimism the Key to Living Longer Happier
Managing Yourself Are you ready for a coach
Become An Author


 
 
 



Have A Suggestion?
Toronto Salsa Classes / Toronto Salsa Lessons Email us your ideas on how to make our website more valuable! Thank you Sharon from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for your suggestions to make the newsletter look like the website and profile younger entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez and Sean Combs!
Have A Suggestion?

Featured Ebook


ebook Famous Entrepreneurs - Modern Empire Builders


Featured Ebook

More Evan Carmichael
Have A Suggestion?


Sales Lessons From Starbucks And Dell