Tweet

Guest post by: Elizabeth J. Macarthur

Article Overview: I use to believe that there was only one way to handle disappointments and that was with feeling resentful, angry, victimized, discourage, hurt, disempowered and it would send me into a downward, negative turn that had the potential to keep me stuck for a very long time. From this place I felt powerless and hopeless. Then one day I got real tired of feeling hopeless and powerless and started to seach for new ways to handle my life. I discovered some very cool and amazing tools that have changed forever the way that I choose to handle disappointments. If you are interested in knowing about these tools, please read on. Elizabeth

You've probably heard the saying that goes something like, "The best laid plans of men and mice..." Sometimes, no matter how careful we are, or how much planning we do, it seems like something out of our control goes astray. The result that we were looking for or expecting does not show up.

So what do most people do from here? They feel disappointed, frustrated, deflated, exhausted, angry, resentful, hurt, undeserving and wondering why me. Sound familiar? Take a moment and think about how you handle disappointments and write down some words you would use to describe that.

I use to do and feel that way all the time. However, the interesting part of feeling that way is that I had fallen victim to the circumstances. When I have an attachment to a specific result, so much so that it had to show up that way and only that way, this is a formula for victimization of myself.

I know you are probably saying to yourself right now that, of course, you are going to feel frustrated, deflated, disappointed, exhausted, angry, resentful, undeserving and even like a victim. If you put your time and energy into something, don't you have a right to feel disappointed if it doesn't work out for you?

This is the way most people think and the way that I use to think all the time. Hum, maybe that would explain why I was unhappy most of the time because nothing ever seemed to work out the way I planned it to or thought it would. So did I feel justified, you bet I did. However, I had to give up happiness in order to feel justified which really wasn't a fair trade.

When something doesn't go our way and we are left to deal with it, it really is a choice we make as to how we choose to move forward from this point. Choosing to feel disappointed, angry, resentful, etc. is a choice. We could choose to feel curious, okay, thoughtful, forgiving, empowered, etc. or simply remain neutral and just notice what happened, course correct and move on.

So if we have all these different choices, than why do we always seem to want to choose the negative one that drags us into victimhood? Well, I believe it is because of some of the following:

• We hold a belief about ourselves that nothing ever works out for me so I need to continue to validate that belief so I keep creating experiences to validate that.

• We don't feel like we deserve to get what was really wanted so we sabotage ourselves.

• We have bought into the role of being a victim so much so that we have to continue creating victimization for ourselves over and over again.

• It's habit. That's just how I react when something does not go my way. Or so I tell myself.

• I have created a definition for myself that says something like, "When something does not work out for me, then I have to feel disappointed, resentful, etc."

• I believe that that is how everyone else reacts to disappointments so in order to fit in or feel accepted I have to act the same.

• I would rather be right than happy.

These are just a few examples of the underlying thoughts and/or beliefs we may have that push us in the direction of choosing negative reactions/behaviours to disappointments. Take a few minute and think about each one of these and see if any of them might apply to you. Now take another few minutes and see if you can add to the list why you would choose to pick a negative reaction/behaviour for a disappointment.

Once I was able to identify why I would automatically fall into the pattern of choosing negative behaviours to disappointments, then I was able to open it up to examine it and create a space for an opportunity to do something different. I realized that if I was truly choosing my reaction to an event that didn't work out for me, then I could choose something other than a negative reaction or victim behaviour.

Here are some things I had to work on to make that shift:

• I had to step up my awareness level to start recognizing on a conscious level when I was choosing negative/victim reactions to a situation.

• I had to step into a place of total conscious awareness versus unconscious, habitual choosing.

• I looked at the issues that surrounded my wanting to be the victim and thus choosing victim behaviours.

• I sought out support and information to help me move through those issues and release that negative energy.

• I started building definitions around the fact that it was okay to be okay when things didn't work out.

• I started to create different perceptions around the experience, like different ways of viewing what was going on.

• I let go of the idea that I had to feel bad for myself in the face of disappointments just to fit in or feel accepted which also support me in taking by my power to choose the best reaction for me.

• I released any guilt or shame associated with having to follow what society supposedly dictated was the right or appropriate reaction to any situation

• I worked on honouring myself, who I am, and my right to be at choice.

• I took responsibility for my actions from a place of cause/result rather than I did something wrong.

One of the techniques that I used was that I created a list of questions to ask myself when disappointing situations showed up. Here are some questions I asked myself:

• What can I learn from this experience?

• What is a different perspective I can create from this?

• Did this happen to me or just around me?

• What thoughts or beliefs do I have that may have attracted this experience to me?

• What are the hidden gifts and nuggets here?

• What do I need to see that I have not been able to see before?

• How can I use this experience to support myself and others?

• What do I need to do next?

This took a lot of practice and commitment for me to become really good at this. And the rewards for me are that I am able to stand strong in the face of adversity, that the peacefulness that I have created inside of me cannot be touched by outside circumstances, and that I have a more conscious awareness around my choices of behaviours and emotions. And quite frankly, if I am choosing a reaction totally from a place of 100% consciousness, I will always choose peacefulness, calmness and happiness. If I am choosing anything other than those, I now know that some unconscious belief or behaviour has stepped in and taken over. This also provides me with the incredible opportunity to resolve and release this unsupportive thought or behaviour.

My call to action for you after reading this article is to spend one week of keeping a journal of every time (or a close as possible) you stepped into the victim roll, allowed outside circumstances to dictate your reaction, emotions, and all the negative behaviours that you rely upon right now to get you through the day. See what you can learn about yourself and how you can use this information to move yourself forward.

With love and gratitude,

Elizabeth

Related Articles

Article Tags: disappointment, handle, hope, resentment, sabatogue, tools



Related Forum Posts


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

The Future of Online Marketing

Tips to Take Control of Credit Card Debt

Five Ways to Show Honest Appreciation

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.