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Establishing Family Boundaries

Written by: Vanessa J. Bonnette

Article Overview: The word ‘boundary’ is one that we hear often these days, but it was not always that way. In fact the concept of establishing boundaries within families is a relatively new; and certainly one worth taking time to implement.

Establishing Family Boundaries

The word 'boundary' is one that we hear often these days, but it was not always that way. In fact the concept of establishing boundaries within families is a relatively new; and certainly one worth taking time to implement.

Children look to parents and authority figures for positive guidance and learn best by example. They also mimic positive and negative behaviours of parents, teachers, friends, relatives and other influences - including TV programs, movies, DVD and computer games.

From around the age of 3 parents can set simple boundaries in the home. Children need to be encouraged and taught from an early so that they can be successful in the future. Positive boundaries instil aspects of confidence, self-worth, responsibility, kindness and sharing.

Prevention is always better than cure! Establishing boundaries is a daily practice as we all learn by repetition. Holding monthly family meetings is an effective way to re-enforce family 'rules' and for each member to discuss problems, be validated and suggest ideas. Problems and conflicts are easily resolved in an atmosphere of acceptance and non-judgement which is vital for family (and community) harmony.

When children feel included and actively participate in setting boundaries they gain self-esteem, respect and security and will grow up to know the true meaning of empowerment and become wise decision makers. Older children are allowed more freedom and instilling boundaries teaches them that freedom comes with responsibility.

Not all boundaries will be the same for each family - different boundaries apply to age as will consequences - what works for my family may not work for yours. Create an individual chart with each child for their room.

Here are some examples of boundaries:

• James, age 3, has to pack away his race track before joining his friends in the back yard.
• Rachel, age 7, has to complete her homework before playing or watching TV.
• Bill, age 5, is given the daily task of taking dirty clothes to the laundry (or wash basket).
• All the children are taught rules around speaking and listening and learn not to interrupt each other during conversations.
• Respecting others i.e. no hitting, biting, punching, scratching, kicking, spitting, pinching, swearing etc.
• Name-calling and bullying is not acceptable.
• House rules for playing i.e. cricket balls are for use outside.
• Food is not to be eaten in the bedrooms.
• Limit time and monitor TV programs and computer use.
  
  

Your children observe what you do with great precision and absorb all of your words and actions. The simple act of saying please and thank you and being kind to people during the course of the day greatly influences their behaviour. If you speak and act negatively in these situations your children will learn do the same and will repeat it in the school and social environment. Likewise, if you lack discipline, smoke, drink alcohol and have no self-respect then your children are more than likely to repeat your behaviour.

By listening to and watching your children, you will be able to observe what they have learned and whether their behaviour is positive or negative - such as the tone of their voice, sentence phrases, favourite expressions and body language.

Children are heavily influenced by others and if they are constantly exposed to bad habits by parents, relatives, teachers and peers, or by TV programs and computers they'll repeat what they learn. Females in particular are influenced by a constant stream of media regarding an 'acceptable image' - wear lots of make-up, be skinny, buy the latest fashion and act in a sensual and sexual manner. All of this can be very damaging to young girls (and boys) who are vulnerable and easily influenced.

Positive influences are likewise observed - healthy lifestyle choices, relaxed atmosphere and good conversation around a dinner table, being kind and respectful towards your spouse or partner every day - all set positive examples which will be adopted by your children. Other factors such as age and gender of the parents, amount of time spent with parents, friends, relatives, teachers, peers and associates also need to be taken into consideration.

By becoming consciously aware of your behaviour and setting appropriate family boundaries you are giving your children the very best start and teaching them how to be successful in all aspects of life.

Vanessa J. Bonnette

This article is taken from extracts in her book 'Empowered for the New Era' available at all good bookstores.

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Article Tags: back yard, behaviours, community harmony, computer games, decision makers, empowerment, family meetings, homework, judgement, kindness, li li, repetition, self esteem, setting boundaries, taking time, true meaning, tv programs, watching tv, wise decision, word boundary



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