Confident Smalltalk Planner: 6 Steps to a Perfect Event
Confident Smalltalk Planner: 6 Steps to a Perfect Event
Be prepared. Before attending the event take some time to think about who will be there, what you have in common with them, who you will already know, the reason for the event, and what strategies and resources you can use to meet people and start some conversations. Practice your small talk with a friend. Set yourself up for success. Give yourself a confidence pep talk. Make the effort to look your best; confidence in your appearance boosts your overall confidence. Wear clothes that are comfortable. It’s hard to be charming when your shoes are rubbing your feet raw. Rely on your personality. Remember that you are a unique and wonderful person. The other guests at this event are lucky to meet you. Don’t be cocky, but do feel confident that you are equally interesting, intelligent, and worthwhile as everyone else at the event. Don’t try to be something you’re not. If you are funny, be funny. If you’re not, don’t try to fake it. People like quirky, charming, thought-provoking, and sincere as much as they like funny.
2. Arrival:
Meet and greet. When the door opens, smile at your host; stick out your hand for a handshake if this is your first meeting. The host will usually take it from here and either take your coat or direct you what to do with it, where to get food, etc. They may even introduce you to someone specific in which case you can skip to #3. Choose a partner for your conversation. If your host didn’t point you in anyone’s direction, take a minute to look around and see if there is anyone you already know or someone standing or sitting alone that you can approach. Smile at anyone who looks in your direction (they may be choosing a partner also!). The food table is a good place to get the lay of the land, meet other guests, and provides plenty of small talk references (i.e. “How do you like the food?” or “Have you tried these, yet?”)
3. Start talking:
Once you’ve found someone to talk with, or they have found you, dive right in by asking them about themselves. People tend to like to talk about themselves and you can’t stump them because they have all the answers. Ask open ended question as opposed to those that require only a yes or no answer as often as possible. If you do ask a yes or no question, be prepared with a follow up to either response. (See samples below.) Look the person in the eye and keep smiling. When it’s your turn to say something, be generous. Give your partner enough information to continue the conversation. They are thinking the same things as you: ask open ended questions, ask about them. In order for a conversation to work, there has to be give and take, like the volley of a tennis game. Don’t panic if there is a temporary lull. Sometimes it takes people a few seconds to think of their response. When we get nervous those seconds can feel like hours. Be patient. If you think the conversation is really sinking, start up a new topic. If that doesn’t help and you think the person is looking to end the conversation (it’s not personal, maybe they spot a friend they haven’t seen in a while and they just don’t know how to leave you politely) let them go. Make it easy for them to move on. They will be grateful for your tact and you are free to start a conversation with a new partner. Neither person in a conversation should expect to monopolize the other for the whole event.
Here is a list of some old standby questions that are good for starting or reviving a conversation:
• How do you know the host?
• Have you been to the movies lately?
• What a lovely necklace. Where did you get it?
• What kind of work do you do?
• What do you think of the music?
• Aren’t the flower arrangements beautiful?
If you find yourself in a conversation that starts to feel unpleasant or inappropriate, simply end the conversation and move on. Some examples of conversations you may want to leave involve people who don’t let you get a word in edgewise or someone who stands too close or seems intoxicated. You can use the same techniques for ending an unpleasant conversation as for a pleasant one. (See #5)
4. Third parties:
Based on the more the merrier principal, you may want to have a conversation with more than one person at once. To invite the third party, simple get their attention and introduce them to the person you are already speaking with and continue the conversation or enter new territory. Make the introductions by giving the person’s name and a descriptive sentence about them. You don’t have to give a speech, comment on common ground between your original partner and the third party (i.e. they both love to golf, own a parrot, went to the same school, etc.). If you aren’t aware of any common areas, just offer an item of interest about each person. Smile and give each person equal emphasis. If you find you have forgotten someone’s name, the best thing to do is come clean about it, (“I’m sorry, I forgot your name.” or “I was so engrossed in our talk that I forgot your name.”) they will give their name to the third party themselves and then you will have it too. It can be difficult to remember names when you are meeting a lot of people at once and people tend to be understanding about it. It helps your memory if you repeat the person’s name out loud when you first meet them. Some people use rhymes and other memory triggers to remember lots of names.
5. End the conversation:
When you’ve exhausted conversation topics with one person or simply want to move on so you have the opportunity to talk with many people during the event, you want to extricate yourself graciously. Let them know you are wrapping up your conversation by smiling and saying “I’ve enjoyed talking with you” or something similar. It’s also helpful to mention something specific you’ve discussed for a more personal touch. (I’ve enjoyed talking with you about the best places to ski this winter.) Stick your hand out for a good-bye handshake or offer to exchange information if that has been agreed upon. Statements that begin with “I need” are also good when you want to end a conversation. For example, I need to speak with the host or I need to get something to eat.
6. Post event:
After you leave the event, take some time to review your performance, even jotting down some helpful notes for the future. Ask yourself how it felt, what did you say or do that was really effective, what did you say or do that you can improve on for next time, how was your confidence level, did you challenge yourself to expand your conversation skills or did you stay well within your comfort zone? These questions will help you improve your small talk skills and build your confidence. Remember, these tips are to help you improve your small talk skills so you can enjoy attending events. Don’t stress yourself out with the “rules,” do what feels right to you and enjoy engaging in conversations with others.
Confident Smalltalk Planner 6 Steps to a Perfect Event - To learn more about this author, visit Ruth Hegarty's Website.
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1. Pre-Event:
Be prepared. Before attending the event take some time to think about who will be there, what you have in common with them, who you will already know, the reason for the event, and what strategies and resources you can use to meet people and start some conversations. Practice your small talk with a friend. Set yourself up for success. Give yourself a confidence pep talk. Make the effort to look your best; confidence in your appearance boosts your overall confidence. Wear clothes that are comfortable. It’s hard to be charming when your shoes are rubbing your feet raw. Rely on your personality. Remember that you are a unique and wonderful person. The other guests at this event are lucky to meet you. Don’t be cocky, but do feel confident that you are equally interesting, intelligent, and worthwhile as everyone else at the event. Don’t try to be something you’re not. If you are funny, be funny. If you’re not, don’t try to fake it. People like quirky, charming, thought-provoking, and sincere as much as they like funny.
2. Arrival:
Meet and greet. When the door opens, smile at your host; stick out your hand for a handshake if this is your first meeting. The host will usually take it from here and either take your coat or direct you what to do with it, where to get food, etc. They may even introduce you to someone specific in which case you can skip to #3. Choose a partner for your conversation. If your host didn’t point you in anyone’s direction, take a minute to look around and see if there is anyone you already know or someone standing or sitting alone that you can approach. Smile at anyone who looks in your direction (they may be choosing a partner also!). The food table is a good place to get the lay of the land, meet other guests, and provides plenty of small talk references (i.e. “How do you like the food?” or “Have you tried these, yet?”)
3. Start talking:
Once you’ve found someone to talk with, or they have found you, dive right in by asking them about themselves. People tend to like to talk about themselves and you can’t stump them because they have all the answers. Ask open ended question as opposed to those that require only a yes or no answer as often as possible. If you do ask a yes or no question, be prepared with a follow up to either response. (See samples below.) Look the person in the eye and keep smiling. When it’s your turn to say something, be generous. Give your partner enough information to continue the conversation. They are thinking the same things as you: ask open ended questions, ask about them. In order for a conversation to work, there has to be give and take, like the volley of a tennis game. Don’t panic if there is a temporary lull. Sometimes it takes people a few seconds to think of their response. When we get nervous those seconds can feel like hours. Be patient. If you think the conversation is really sinking, start up a new topic. If that doesn’t help and you think the person is looking to end the conversation (it’s not personal, maybe they spot a friend they haven’t seen in a while and they just don’t know how to leave you politely) let them go. Make it easy for them to move on. They will be grateful for your tact and you are free to start a conversation with a new partner. Neither person in a conversation should expect to monopolize the other for the whole event.
Here is a list of some old standby questions that are good for starting or reviving a conversation:
• How do you know the host?
• Have you been to the movies lately?
• What a lovely necklace. Where did you get it?
• What kind of work do you do?
• What do you think of the music?
• Aren’t the flower arrangements beautiful?
If you find yourself in a conversation that starts to feel unpleasant or inappropriate, simply end the conversation and move on. Some examples of conversations you may want to leave involve people who don’t let you get a word in edgewise or someone who stands too close or seems intoxicated. You can use the same techniques for ending an unpleasant conversation as for a pleasant one. (See #5)
4. Third parties:
Based on the more the merrier principal, you may want to have a conversation with more than one person at once. To invite the third party, simple get their attention and introduce them to the person you are already speaking with and continue the conversation or enter new territory. Make the introductions by giving the person’s name and a descriptive sentence about them. You don’t have to give a speech, comment on common ground between your original partner and the third party (i.e. they both love to golf, own a parrot, went to the same school, etc.). If you aren’t aware of any common areas, just offer an item of interest about each person. Smile and give each person equal emphasis. If you find you have forgotten someone’s name, the best thing to do is come clean about it, (“I’m sorry, I forgot your name.” or “I was so engrossed in our talk that I forgot your name.”) they will give their name to the third party themselves and then you will have it too. It can be difficult to remember names when you are meeting a lot of people at once and people tend to be understanding about it. It helps your memory if you repeat the person’s name out loud when you first meet them. Some people use rhymes and other memory triggers to remember lots of names.
5. End the conversation:
When you’ve exhausted conversation topics with one person or simply want to move on so you have the opportunity to talk with many people during the event, you want to extricate yourself graciously. Let them know you are wrapping up your conversation by smiling and saying “I’ve enjoyed talking with you” or something similar. It’s also helpful to mention something specific you’ve discussed for a more personal touch. (I’ve enjoyed talking with you about the best places to ski this winter.) Stick your hand out for a good-bye handshake or offer to exchange information if that has been agreed upon. Statements that begin with “I need” are also good when you want to end a conversation. For example, I need to speak with the host or I need to get something to eat.
6. Post event:
After you leave the event, take some time to review your performance, even jotting down some helpful notes for the future. Ask yourself how it felt, what did you say or do that was really effective, what did you say or do that you can improve on for next time, how was your confidence level, did you challenge yourself to expand your conversation skills or did you stay well within your comfort zone? These questions will help you improve your small talk skills and build your confidence. Remember, these tips are to help you improve your small talk skills so you can enjoy attending events. Don’t stress yourself out with the “rules,” do what feels right to you and enjoy engaging in conversations with others.
Confident Smalltalk Planner 6 Steps to a Perfect Event - To learn more about this author, visit Ruth Hegarty's Website.
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