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Why didnt I say it sooner

Guest post by: Mark Susnow

Article Overview: There is a conversation that we all can have, but are avoiding, that can make our lives better in our personal lives and in our professional lives. When we avoid that conversation, what is bothering us becomes magnified and is blown out of proportion, so that we take out our frustration on other people and on our selves. It's not unusual that we find ourselves exploding for no apparent reason.

Why didnt I say it sooner

There were so many times when I could have said it sooner and better. There would be the tension and the uneasy feeling that I felt. I wanted to connect but I didn’t know how. This motivated me to learn all I could about becoming a better communicator. So I took workshops, read all I could, and gradually got better at it. And this was true whether it was in my personal or professional life.

But no matter how skillful I became, there was always that conversation I avoided having. As a lawyer I had my share of them. And as a coach I have found that this is a universal problem. Regardless of what the circumstances are, there is always someone you avoid having a conversation with, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Your willingness to have this conversation can lead to a new found freedom and intimacy in all of your communications. This conversation can show up anywhere in your life but usually it shows up at home with your loved ones or in the workplace. It’s kind of a “Catch-22.” If you don’t have the conversation you can’t become skillful at it. And if you don’t communicate what’s on your mind the situation will become worse. It won’t go away.

I believe that in almost every situation between two people there is a “conversation” that can begin the healing process. But if you don’t have this conversation you end up enduring the pain indefinitely. Let me give you an example from my own life. For many years Sean and I were very close, almost like brothers. But things started to change. Sean started to distance himself and seemed to shut down around me. Even though I noticed this happening I didn’t say anything. I was afraid of what I thought Sean might say. Our conversations remained cordial yet superficial and eventually we stopped communicating and went our own ways. I lost touch with Sean.

It was approximatley 20 years later when I had a chance encounter with Sean that I got to have that conversation. After a busy day of running errands in an obscure place I noticed an attorney’s office. I walked inside and there was Sean. It was a special moment for both of us. I told Sean how special he was in my life and how hurt and disappointed I was when we went our separate ways. Sean shared his journey with me. He said he had to hit bottom and as part of that process he pushed everyone away. For many years I felt that it was because of me that the relationship broke down. Part of me felt like a failure. Sometimes having these conversations is a risk. I certainly felt that way walking into Sean’s office but I’m glad I did. I spoke my truth and found out that I was not responsible for Sean and I going in different directions. We both understood what it was that at one time had connected us. We also understood that we were now walking different paths.

Probably the most fertile ground for having these conversations is with your significant other or a family member. Prior to meeting Annie I was in an unsatisfactory relationship for three years with Lori. I accepted the circumstances of the relationship because I didn’t want to confront the truth. Lori and I wanted different things from life. I wanted to have a family but she said she wasn’t sure. I didn’t press it because I didn’t want to find out what she really wanted. I also didn’t want to be alone but the truth was that even though I was in relationship with her I felt alone. If I would have been willing to accept the truth it would have been easier to have that conversation. Instead for almost three years I avoided it. Finally things came to a head and we had that conversation. If I was more truthful with myself I would have had that conversation much sooner.

What can we learn from the few experiences that I have shared with you? I know most of you have had similar ones. Rather than finding out what’s really going on you avoid having the conversation. All that does is prolong the tension and stifle any real communication. Here are a few suggestions that hopefully can be helpful in the process:

Whenever you experience conflict or tension make the commitment to have the conversation. Think of potential conflict as an opportunity to deepen the connection. Look at it this way: Conflict=Opportunity.

You want to be strategic. Think of a supportive place and time when you think the other person will be more receptive to this kind of conversation. If it’s a workplace issue, if at all possible don’t have this conversation at the workplace.

Don’t make the other person wrong. You might be wondering how you can let someone know that their way of doing things might be in conflict with yours and not dump on them. But remember they might not even be aware of how their actions have impacted you. This is where you get to develop your expertise.

Start the conversation with an observation. With Sean I could have had the following conversation: “I feel like you are pulling away from me. Did I do something that offended you? Are you ok?” That conversation would have made me aware that the distancing that I was experiencing wasn’t because of me.

With Lori I could have had the following conversation much sooner. “Lori, we’ve been together for a while now and I really want to have a family. I’m not sure you want the same thing. What do you really want?”

Sometimes you just have to ask the questions even though the answers might be painful. Having the conversation is an art form. It might seem awkward at first, but that’s where the practice comes in. If you don’t address what’s bothering you the problem won’t miraculously go away.

I believe there is a conversation that we can have that can heal most relationships in our life. We already are aware of which relationships these are but have resisted initiating this conversation. It’s time to be courageous and begin this conversation. Imagine what a difference we could make in our lives and in the world if we all committed to having this conversation. It all starts with taking the first step.

You’ll have plenty of opportunity to practice. As they say practice makes perfect. Maybe not perfect but pretty good.

Keep the circle going. Please feel free to share Letters on Life with those you care about.

Journey On

Mark

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