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How to be happy

Written by: Anne Pink

Article Overview: Happiness is not luck, it’s not chance, it is a decision and it’s in our own hands!

How to be happy

How to be happy
Happiness is not luck, it’s not chance, it is a decision and it’s in our own hands!

Already I know that I risk losing some readers who truly believe that other people can and do make them unhappy or that there are events outside their control which have led to their misery and of course one can empathise with that view. After all we do not have control over life and death situations. Having someone close diagnosed with a serious illness or coming to terms with the loss of a loved one may understandably have an adverse effect on our well being.

Nonetheless we will each have examples of people who, despite terrible tragedy in their lives, remain optimistic and cheerful. As Dr Maya Angelou a famous American author and activist would say “Even when you have a pain you don’t need to be one”

Recognise life as a long series of choices. Where you are in your life now is almost entirely down to the choices you’ve made along the way. Choices such as how hard you decided to work at school, the friendships you chose to make, the way you chose to earn your living and so on, and, when things happened to us that seemed out of our control we still chose how to react.

We can use up so much energy thinking about other people and what they might think about us and what we expect from them. We get eaten up with anger or revel in nursing hurt feelings because of the way we choose to react to someone’s apparent rudeness or thoughtlessness.

You may have heard the somewhat derisory expression “Get a Life” which is a suggestion usually made in an aggressive way. What if instead we consider it as a positive suggestion, we can all ‘get a life’ and the one we can get is our own!

It’s time to take charge of our own well being and recognise that the only people who can make us ‘do’ or ‘feel’ anything is ourselves. Some of us will be fortunate to have people in our lives that enrich our days and add to our happiness and what a blessing that is. Nonetheless to arrive at the place where ‘our inner self’ becomes the only person we fully rely on is the path to true happiness.

Happiness is different things to different people. Dr Martin Seligman a well known author in the positive psychology field offers 3 elements for a feeling of happiness: Pleasure, Satisfaction and Meaning and Michael O’Neil a renowned Coach in this field offers a fourth; the Art of Contentment.

So how can we achieve happiness for ourselves? Here are some top tips.

• Decide to react positively
When something angers or annoys us we can look for the positive angle. So for
example if someone is talking loudly on a mobile phone we can decide to be
glad that we aren’t deaf
• Leave go of anger. If you remain upset by what someone has said or done to you, particularly if it was a complete stranger, then it’s your own day you are spoiling not necessarily theirs. Your mind is the most powerful organ you have but it can only deal with one thought at a time so move your attention to better thoughts!
• Be assertive. That is, know what you want and ask for it and learn to say no to things you really don’t want to do
• Be Curious. Most people you meet in a day are just trying to get through their own 24 hours the best way they know how. You can’t always know what challenges they are facing but you can be curious as to why they are behaving in a particular way. If someone is off hand or aggressive with you just ask yourself “I wonder what is bothering them so much that they are driven to such bad behaviour” The thought alone enables you to take time out, calm down and decide not to take it personally. Acceptance is a very empowering choice.
• Give someone a smile. “If you see someone without a smile give them one of yours” You’ll be amazed by how good you feel when you bring a little brightness to someone else’s day.
• Concentrate on your life. Stop trying to improve everyone else. Get your own house in order, do what you believe to be right whether others behave the way you want them to or not. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel when you stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s behaviour and start taking full responsibility for your own!
• Be true to yourself. Only do what you can live with. If you do things that go against your inner values you will create dis- ease in your mind which will lead to disease in the body. You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of each day and say I am happy with what I did today.
• Give of yourself freely. When you do something for someone do it with a generous heart without expecting anything in return or don’t do it at all. Good deeds done grudgingly or with expectations attached can build up resentment.
• Give yourself rewards. Make sure you give yourself something to look forward to, pat yourself on the back with a little treat. It’s fun and it makes you feel good.
• Count your personal assets. Do a list of all the things you like about yourself and read it regularly. It’s not arrogance to recognise your positive traits. Most of the things we achieve in life are down to the things we are good at. Compliments from others are very pleasant but we shouldn’t rely on others for our personal validation.
• Build fun into your life. What did you really like doing when you were a kid? Climbing trees, paddling in the sea, snowball fights, roller-skating, shouting loudly in wide open spaces, playing football or netball or hockey, going to the park, sitting on a swing, collecting conkers, exploring the rocks on the seashore, bus trips, being with friends. Well what’s stopping you from doing those things again, find the exuberant child you once were or wanted to be. If you had an unhappy childhood now is your chance to go and do lots of the things you might never have been allowed to do.
• Surround yourself with ‘like minded people’ Spend as much time as possible with people you like and respect. Optimistic or caring or outgoing or funny or sensitive people depending on what complements your own nature. Inevitably in the course of our day we will all come across doom and gloom merchants usually convinced that they are going to have a terrible day and congratulating themselves each night when it turns out to be true!
Deal with them with a quiet smile because until they are ready to believe that life
can be wonderful then you will only waste your energy trying to convince them.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. There are things in everyone’s life worth fighting for but make sure you pick the right fights. Don’t see life as a daily battle to be won, you really don’t need to win every argument. Recognising that your opinion is simply that, your opinion, your truth and not ‘the’ truth acknowledges that it’s ok for others to have a different view.
• Count your blessings. Remind yourself everyday of the good things in your life. That’s not the same as saying “think yourself lucky there people worse off” that attitude is more about guilt than blessings. Instead its recognising that we can still appreciate the good things we have in our life and have dreams and goals for an even better future.
• Look for the good. Especially important with those you love. It’s easy to slip into the habit of always looking at what irritates us about our partner, our children, our friends and even our parents but it’s very damaging too. When you find yourself being overly critical focus on what you love about that person you will see how quickly your anger is melted by a warm glow.
• Be careful how you measure happiness. Money clearly may make unhappiness more palatable but in itself is no guarantee of happiness. Ask yourself what gives you real joy, it might be: job satisfaction, your children’s laughter, a lovely sunset, a bird in flight, going for a run, being well presented, having good relationships in your life. All these routes to happiness are free!
• Be sure to only ask yourself positive questions. Our brain is like a computer. If we ask it a question it will go and find an answer. It won’t filter the question or challenge the question it will simply respond. So if you ask “why am I unhappy” it will come back with answers like “the weathers terrible” or “I’ve too much to do” or “nobody cares” and so on. So change the question “what can I do to become happier?” and it will go and find your answer to that question too, ‘go out more’ ‘spend more time with my partner’ ‘change your job. Go on ask yourself and listen carefully for the answers!

The good news is that because happiness is a choice you can choose it today! Be happy

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Article Tags: activist, adverse effect, american author, anger, choices, death situations, expression, feelings, friendships, happiness, life and death, loss of a loved one, maya angelou, misery, recognise, revel, rudeness, suggestion, tragedy



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