Coaching Tip: Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
Coaching Tip: Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
How often do you begin statements inside your head or out loud that begin with words like: I know I - should, shouldn’t, need to, have to, supposed to…? These words create constriction and the illusion that you have a lack of choice. They are all different shoulds!
When we’re young we’re continually told what to do, how to think and feel about things, the difference between right and wrong… according to other people’s perceptions and beliefs. We become culturally conditioned to societal beliefs and behaviors. We develop viewpoints to look at life through a lens of guilt, obligation, and shame. Too often we are making decisions and taking actions that aren’t what we really desire. If that’s true for you, whose life are you living?
How often do you get upset with yourself when you don’t do something you feel you should do? What does your self-talk sound like? Supportive? Unsupportive?
How much vitality and joy do you feel when you do things out of guilt, obligation, or shame because you fear negative consequences. You may be afraid of upsetting others or risking the withdrawal of their love and being punished in some way. The result is a build-up of resentment, anger and frustration that ultimately becomes self-directed.
The ability to have choice and make our own decisions is an important freedom; a part of having free will and spiritual growth. Without the freedom to make choices we can feel powerless and hopeless.
Who would consciously choose to feel that way?
How often do you should on yourself?
Over the next 24 hours observe how often you begin statements out loud or in your head that begins with shoulds. Do this as an experiment to become more self-aware. Pay attention to how you feel emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Exercise:
Write down a few statements that begin with any of these words, “I should…. I have to, I need to
To allow yourself to have choice, play with replacing your statements with permission language.
Examples of new language:
I choose to…..
I will…..
I want….
I desire to…..
I can….
I give myself permission to….
It’s ok for me to…….
Notice how you feel – emotionally, physically….
Do you see how shifting your language to include choice moves you from constriction to a place of expansion and possibility! Permission language feels more loving and respectful too. Can’t ya just feel it?
PS If you quickly repeated the phrase, “I will not should on myself today” at least three times, you might be surprised at what you are really saying. Go on, try it.
Have a great day filled with lots of choices!
Coaching Tip Stop Shoulding Yourself - To learn more about this author, visit Lorraine Cohen's Website.
Like this article? Share it with your friends
“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul”. ~Max Ehrmann
How often do you begin statements inside your head or out loud that begin with words like: I know I - should, shouldn’t, need to, have to, supposed to…? These words create constriction and the illusion that you have a lack of choice. They are all different shoulds!
When we’re young we’re continually told what to do, how to think and feel about things, the difference between right and wrong… according to other people’s perceptions and beliefs. We become culturally conditioned to societal beliefs and behaviors. We develop viewpoints to look at life through a lens of guilt, obligation, and shame. Too often we are making decisions and taking actions that aren’t what we really desire. If that’s true for you, whose life are you living?
How often do you get upset with yourself when you don’t do something you feel you should do? What does your self-talk sound like? Supportive? Unsupportive?
How much vitality and joy do you feel when you do things out of guilt, obligation, or shame because you fear negative consequences. You may be afraid of upsetting others or risking the withdrawal of their love and being punished in some way. The result is a build-up of resentment, anger and frustration that ultimately becomes self-directed.
The ability to have choice and make our own decisions is an important freedom; a part of having free will and spiritual growth. Without the freedom to make choices we can feel powerless and hopeless.
Who would consciously choose to feel that way?
How often do you should on yourself?
Over the next 24 hours observe how often you begin statements out loud or in your head that begins with shoulds. Do this as an experiment to become more self-aware. Pay attention to how you feel emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Exercise:
Write down a few statements that begin with any of these words, “I should…. I have to, I need to
To allow yourself to have choice, play with replacing your statements with permission language.
Examples of new language:
I choose to…..
I will…..
I want….
I desire to…..
I can….
I give myself permission to….
It’s ok for me to…….
Notice how you feel – emotionally, physically….
Do you see how shifting your language to include choice moves you from constriction to a place of expansion and possibility! Permission language feels more loving and respectful too. Can’t ya just feel it?
PS If you quickly repeated the phrase, “I will not should on myself today” at least three times, you might be surprised at what you are really saying. Go on, try it.
Have a great day filled with lots of choices!
Coaching Tip Stop Shoulding Yourself - To learn more about this author, visit Lorraine Cohen's Website.
Like this article? Share it with your friends
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Linda RichardsonLinda Richardson is the Founder and Executive Chairwoman of Richardson, a global sales training and performance improvement company. As a recognized leader in the industry, she has won the coveted Stevie Award for Lifetime Achievement in Sales Excellence and she was identified by Training Industry, Inc. as one of the “Top 20 Most Influential Training Professionals.” Ms. Richardson is credited with the movement to Consultative Selling and is the author of ten books on selling and sales management, including Sales Coaching — Making the Great Leap from Sales Manager to Sales Coach, and Stop Telling, Start Selling. She teaches sales and management at the Wharton Graduate School of the University of Pennsylvania and the Wharton Executive Development Center. Linda is a frequent speaker at industry and client conferences, has been published extensively in industry and training journals, and has been featured in numerous publications, including The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Nation’s Business, Selling Power, Success, and The Conference Board Magazine. Learn more about Richardson's sales training and performance improvement solutions at http://www.richardson.com web - Visit Linda Richardson's Website |
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Casey GollanCasey Gollan, Business Coaching & Mentoring Programs. Add $1 Million to $10 Million in the next 1 to 3 years. Since 1996 Casey has to added hundreds of millions of dollars to businesses. Watch a free video see client results Business Coaching website. - Visit Casey Gollan's Website |
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Leanne Hoagland-SmithAre your sales where you want them to be? Will you be one of the few who achieves sales or business success or one of the many who have failed to change? Are you tired of being told you are like everyone else? Then you may find my first book on sales of interest. Be the Red Jacket in the Sea of Gray Suits, The Keys to Unlocking Sales available at Amazon or at http://www.processspecialist.com/red-jacket.htm. This book is a reflection of my no-nonsense approach to improving sales to overall business results. If you are truly committed to making sustainable changes, then I can help you secure a positive return on your investment because I focus on executable solutions not telling you the problems you already know you have. From training to corporate (group) coaching to executive one on one coaching, my approach is to assess, create awareness, build a goal driven action plan and then execute. The bottom line question is "Not do you or your employees know it, but do you or they want to do it?" Please call for a free strategy session at 219.759.5601. - Visit Leanne Hoagland-Smith's Website |
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Joe DagerJoe Dager is President of Business901, a progressive coaching company providing no-nonsense direction in areas such as Lean Six Sigma Marketing and organized referral marketing. What others say: In the past 20 years, Joe and I have collaborated on many difficult issues. Joe’s ability to combine his expertise with “out of the box” thinking is unsurpassed. He has always delivered quickly, cost effectively and with ingenuity. A brilliant mind that is always a pleasure to work with.” - James R. If you want to learn more about Business901, start a conversation with us. We can be found @ Web/Blog: Business901.com Web/Blog: FundingYourNonprofit.com LinkedIn Profile Follow me on Twitter - Visit Joe Dager's Website |
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John BrennanJohn Brennan Ed.D. Dr. Brennan is President of Interpersonal Development, LLC, a training and development firm. Interpersonal Development has provided sales training and coaching to more than 3,000 sales reps from over 100 companies. A native of Australia, Dr. Brennan received his doctorate from the University of Rochester. His dissertation researched the effectiveness of Behavioral Modeling Technology in training people in interpersonal skills. While he has spent most of his career designing or delivering training, he was also a Vice-President of Sales of a training and development franchise with operations in 25 markets. Dr. Brennan has designed and delivered sales training in North America, Asia, Europe, Australia and the Middle East. He has been a guest speaker at numerous national and regional professional conferences. When Microsoft wanted Best Practices articles on sales for their web site, they called Dr. Brennan. The results are at http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/FX011387391033.aspx His firm’s clients have included Volvo, The Prudential, Merrill Lynch, Eastman Kodak, Gannett, Equifax Europe, the Economist Group and countless small businesses. - Visit John Brennan's Website |
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David AchesonDavid Acheson is the founder of DCJA Consultancy. DCJA Consultancy is a management consultancy business specialising in B2B sales consultancy. They offer bespoke and packaged sales consultancy including Sales Optimisation Review, Interim Sales Management, Sales & Marketing Review, 1:1 Sales & Management Staff Analysis, Management Training, Solution Sales Training, Creation of New Pay Plan, KPI's, run Customer Feedback Campaigns, assist with Recruitment, Coaching, Appraisals and set up Strategic Marketing Campaigns. David spent his early career in accountancy and then moved into sales in 1982, working in Office Equipment, IT, Advertising, Training, Outsourcing and Consultancy. He has held many Senior Positions in SMBs and Global Organisations including Head of Sales Operations & Head of Business Development. His knowledge, skills and great experience of the Sales Industry has led to David making keynote speeches and running educational sessions to key businesses through organisations including The Chamber of Commerce and Business Link. - Visit David Acheson's Website |
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