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The Secret Life of Coaches

Written by: Karen Schneiderman

Article Overview: How clients use other subjects to distract themselves and their practitioners from getting to the real problems.

The Secret Life of Coaches

Karen Schneiderman, Ph.D.
Lifecoachinboston.com



THE SECRET LIFE OF COACHES


West Coast Detour

Once when I was in therapy the counselor made a reference to California. I lived in California for a few years so I asked her where she had lived. She refused to tell me. It was not a big deal except that she made it so. For the next two sessions we worked on why it was important for me to know where she had resided. What a waste of time. By concealing something trivial we got off track and I never came back. I felt as if her life were more meaningful than mine and for me to know anything about her gave me power I did not deserve.
Now I understand we were both wrong: she for refusing to divulge a minor detail that would have saved two sessions. If I had pursued her life story she rightly should have stopped me, but that was not my intention. She didn’t know where the question led because she had her own rigid agenda. I too was wrong because I wasted my time playing detective.

Shaggy Dog Story

I see this all the time with clients. They want to talk about what makes them comfortable rather than what made them come to me in the first place. I want them to take the lead because cois about their lives. I feel obligated to stop them when they meander on about subjects that will not improve their quality of life. For example, I worked with a woman who had a dog. She could not go on vacation unless the hotel was dog friendly. She bought a house she could not afford because it has a dog door. Her answering machine barked and requested messages be left for the dog. Dogs made her happy but she had no contact with family, no friends, no romantic relationships and very little social life. She hated her job and the town she moved to in order to take a job she hated.
I asked about the dog. I didn’t suggest she kill it or give it away or neglect it. I simply wanted to know why she spent so much energy organizing her life around it. This got her angry. “I have real problems. Why waste time asking about “Floppy”? I tried to explain that I indeed liked dogs and that having one was a normal and healthy behavior. My concern was the exclusivity of her interest. “Why do you want to know about Floppy? Why can’t we talk about my relationships, job, family, health…?” You get the idea. Is the subject a friendly way to open a conversation or a device to avoid what is really going on? A coach needs to know the difference.

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Article Tags: answering machine, cois, counselor, dogs, intention, job, minor detail, playing detective, quality of life, romantic relationships, schneiderman, sessions, shaggy dog story, take the lead, waste of time, west coast



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