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I Can't Get No . . . Satisfaction

Written by: Les Brown

Article Overview: The ways that women and men choose to deal with the midlife transition are diametrically opposed: one approach works; the other one doesn't. Which is which?

I Can't Get No . . . Satisfaction

The three emotional characteristics that most clearly define a man in midlife are 'restless', 'irritable' and 'discontent'. No wonder they 'can't get no satisfaction'! There's quite a significant difference between the ways that men and women deal with this bucket of emotional pain: women generally tend to experience it and want to work through it, preferably with people they can trust on an emotional — or even better yet: a spiritual — level. Guys (almost regardless of their professions of spirituality) generally want to avoid facing it. Their approach can be characterized as denial, the place that, as they say, is not the river in Egypt.

In a recent article ("Sounding the Emotional Depths"), I talked about the four levels of emotion that people (both men and women) experience during the midlife transition: they feel — from the outside in — 'glad', 'sad', 'mad' and 'scared'. The guys in denial only want to feel 'glad'. If they were to acknowledge that those other three, much more uncomfortable, emotions were underlying their superficial OK-ness, they'd be afraid that they'd have actually to feel these things. And, of course, they'd be right. As a result, most males tend to behave exactly the opposite from what's natural for most females. I guess we shouldn't be surprised at that, should we?

In my estimation, there exists only four ways of dealing with the midlife transition situation, and, of the four, the only one that actually alleviates the situation is an attitude of active and committed acceptance. That, in effect, is the road that women, by nature and by culture, normally take. The other three approaches are, sadly enough, dysfunctional. As you probably guessed, these are the tools that most men use to deal with their feelings of being uncomfortable in their skin. These three approaches are: denial (or avoidance), blame (or deflection) and isolation.

None of these approaches give you any tools whatever for dealing with the real issues. In fact, they're quite the opposite. They provide convenient excuses and smoke screens to keep the problems covered up so that you can't deal with them. Denial is the most straight-forward of the three dysfunctional approaches. It reminds me of Mad Magazine's famous mascot, Alfred E. Neuman, and his equally-famous motto: "What — Me Worry? Or, from Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, where Igor responds to an offer of corrective surgery on his hump with, "Hump? What hump?" If it's not there, why deal with it?

The major drawback to this sort of denial can be addressed with simple cause and effect: if there's no cause, then why are you experiencing the effects? As a result, denial most often yields to blame. Those nasty emotions may be undeniable enough, but you don't have to do anything about them if they're not yours. And, if they're not yours, then they must belong to someone else: someone else must be causing them, and, therefore, they're someone else's fault (but not yours). Now that you've come to that conclusion, all that's left for you to do is to find out who's the cause of your pain and eliminate him (or her). So begins the blame game, or 'pin the fault on the scape goat' (a very old, but very popular pastime).

Now, even this approach has quite an evident (but hardly obvious to the operator) drawback because, once you've gotten rid of the apparent perpetrator, you'll quickly discover that the restlessness, irritability, and discontent are still there. Many times, the poor blamer just changes targets, but, no matter how many targets he may eliminate (his boss, his wife, his enemies, his friends . . . ), the underlying problem remains untouched.

The last thing that someone in either of these states of dysfunction wants to do is to share his feelings with someone else. If he talks about his feelings to someone else, he first of all has to acknowledge that they're there ("Hump? What hump?"). And, if the campaign to attack and eliminate the supposed perpetrators of injustice hasn't achieved its objectives (as, of course, it never could), then there'd be the added problem with having to talk about the shame of failure and the additional guilt about attacking and eliminating a person who's been basically an innocent character in this fantastic drama. Therefore, there'll be no sharing on these topics!

The more isolated this poor guy in midlife becomes, the more painful his restlessness, irritability, and discontent becomes. And why not? Like an untreated abscess, the deeper layers of his anger and his fears are left untouched, untreated, and, ultimately, unrecognized. What better description could there be of a man in midlife crisis? Before there can be any effective treatment of this painful condition, the patient first has to acknowledge — to accept — that there is a problem and, ultimately, that the problem is his own (and no one else's). Last, and certainly not least, he's going to need to have to accept that he can't handle this alone, accept that he has to share what's going on within him, and, ultimately accept help. Otherwise, that satisfaction that he can't get none of will slip farther, and farther away.

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Article Tags: attitude, avoidance, deflection, denial, discontent, egypt, emotion, emotional characteristics, emotional pain, estimation, feelings, females, isolation, men and women, midlife transition, professions, recent article, spiritual level, spirituality, uncomfortable emotions



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Re: Some attractive terms in advertisement - [quote="lane_hug":sqdmyojl]Some terms can make the advertisement look more attractive, like unlimited, free, life time guarantee, and more. These should be definitely incorporated to ensure fast sales.[/quote:sqdmyojl] You've got to be careful with such terms, though. Take as an example the poor Korean dry cleaners who had the words "Satisfaction guaranteed" on their storefront window. They lost (supposedly) a pair of slacks from some loony judge, who proceeded to sue them for MILLIONS of dollars (over a $100 pair of slacks) because they did not provide him with satisfaction. [If the sign had said "Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back" perhaps none of it would have happened...] These days more and more people are apt to sue at the drop of a hat, and if you promise them something even though common sense says you wouldn't have meant what you said (for example Pepsi got in trouble because their commercial for Pepsi points, at the time the movie True Lies came out, featured a Harrier jet as in the movie. A few looney businessmen bought up all the points the could to get that jet, although they were told it had just been dramatic license, and ended up suing Pepsi for misleading advertising. The suit was dismissed, but the fact that the guy was able to find lawyers who'd even take the case on is scary. To cut a long story short, be careful what terms you use, and think to yourself what you'd have to do if people took them literally.
Re: Boosting Confidence - Kevin, I am so glad you asked that question! It's the missing link for so many people (and a huge key to confidence and entrepreneurial endurance). Since you asked the question hypothetically, when I say "you", I'm not meaning you personally, Kevin (unless you identify with it). Our purpose is like our personal mission statement. It's something we need to consciously sit down and think about. The problem is that so many have blocked their own voice and focused on outside influence instead. We need to practice listening to our own inner self. Confidence is found within so this is where we need to start. It means we need to trust that we actually do have the answers to what it is we need to know for our own personal success. They key to our purpose is actually tied in with what we really love to do. To start discovering what your purpose is, start discovering what you are really passionate about. Then begin asking yourself what you would love to do that would make a huge difference in that particular area. For example, if you love technology and also desire to help people, ask yourself how you can really help people using your technology. If your business is already established, start considering how you can develop the next phase of it to match your sense of purpose. Perhaps it's even time to delegate your work so that you can be freed up to pursue what you REALLY love to do. The great side effect is that most of us do a far better job at what we love to do anyway. Many people don't even get to this point because they disqualify their sense of passion and purpose before they even really discover the way to build financial success based on what they love to do. Some consider it a "pipe dream", but I say, "Why not?" You mention money, but what some people don't realize is that you must discover you purpose or your personal mission FIRST if you are to tap into passion to create the kind of wealth that is really satisfying. If you talk to people with money, you will discover that financial success is not what truly makes you happy. Satisfaction is the key ingredient. Developing a business which matches your passion and your purpose ensures you will enjoy the success when you get there. When you pursue developing your business from this place, confidence comes along side you because you are aware you have a personal mission to help others or create change in some way. It takes the focus off you and gives you confidence to overcome what could seem like incredibly challenging obstacles. If you are simply chasing money, there will come a point that you will really question if it is all even worth it. You may be faced with this question regardless, but if you have purpose, you often find the fortitude to really press forward anyhow. I hope that answers your question, Kevin. Warm regards, Tami


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