It's Always Something -- If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

Our futile attempts at creating a reasonably secure world for ourselves often enough run smack-dab into the challenges of the real world and, particularly, the challenges of the midlife transition. Like the amusement park game, Whack-a-Mole, just when you successfully clobber one problem, another one pops up out on the periphery. "Is there," you might ask, "a strategy that I can use to handle this constant barrage of difficulties that keep me stressed out by threatening everything that I've worked so long and hard to build?" What can I do to bring my life back into focus?

Yes, there are strategies that you can adopt to manage life's frequent unpleasant surprises. Like most life strategies that empower you to handle the issues that midlife throws at you, almost all of these strategies involve simply changing your mind to see the reality that life presents you in a different light. Here are a number of strategies that you can use effectively when 'it's always something' comes upon you.

The only constant is change. This means that, as the old saying goes, "Into each life some rain must fall." Nobody — in fact nothing — in the universe is immune from difficulties. As I've said very often, trying to build a secure future is a foolish quest. 'Security' is simply not a part of the universe as it presents itself to us. There is no where you can go, nothing you can do to find a 'stasis' where trouble won't find you. It exists in you down to the marrow of your bones and beyond . . . even to the structure of your reality itself. There's no escaping it. This means that much of living a successful life must revolve around the two poles of assessing and mitigating risk, and contingency planning (for those times when risk becomes overwhelming).

This, too, shall pass. Since the only constant is change, then both feast and famine are transitory. When difficulties come (and, at random intervals, they seem to come in clusters), we can fight our natural inclinations to believe that things will always be this way by reminding ourselves that, regardless of how bad it may seem, this, too, shall pass. So long as we live, each of us will experience the alleviation of our suffering and our emergence from whatever disaster or tragedy we may be facing. Truly, where there's life, there's hope.

What did I do to deserve this? The answer, my friend, is, most likely: nothing! Certainly, virtue (living a life in alignment with genuine values) goes a long way toward avoiding unnecessary pain and vice often leads to predictably bad consequences. However, living an authentic life is no guarantee of a life free from trouble (as I mentioned, no such thing exists), nor is living an inauthentic life a guarantee of hardship. When looking at the challenges you're facing right now, you can answer the complaint of the victim within you who cries, "Why me?" with the true answer: "Why not you?" What makes you so special as to be spared the challenges that the rest of the world faces? And, when you're tempted to look around you and compare yourself with others who seem to have it easier than you, remember that old saying about walking a mile in his or her shoes.

Pain is required, suffering is optional. Difficulties come into every life. Whatever the source, no one is immune from experiencing pain: we have no choice in the matter. Our choice comes into play when we must decide how we're going to respond to the pain. When we choose to play the victim (crying, "Why me?", looking to lay blame, comparing ourselves with others, building resentments, etc.), we effectively ratchet up our own suffering. Pain, as I've often said, is just the universe trying to get our attention. When we decide to allow ourselves to descend into suffering, we not only magnify the hurt by prolonging it over time, we also render the experience impotent to produce the lesson and the strengthening experience that it was meant to deliver. More than anything else in life, choosing blame and resentment will turn growing pains into meaningless, useless suffering.

A successful life is built on progress, not perfection. On one hand, the universe is structured so that life's lessons keep coming: growth is a direction not a goal. 'Who you are' will only be known completely when your life is over: until then, you can only be known as the person who you are becoming. The direction in which our lives take us is determined by a combination of the potential that we were born and raised with (our nature and nurture), and the choices we've made along the way. The greatest lessons we learn are often those that result from our worst choices and, because growth happens in a determined direction, when we foul up, the opportunities to learn our lessons keep coming back again and again until we 'get' them. When we want to say, "Why does this keep happening to me?" we have to ask, "Why indeed?" What's the lesson you're not getting? And, on the other hand, it's important to realize that you're not an unbiased judge: you're most often the last person to recognize your progress. Unless you're avoiding life's lessons, each time they come around they have the potential to teach you more, and to deepen the core of your moral strength.

Here's a practical approach to life's difficulties. Take one challenge that you're facing in your life right now. Identify exactly what change is happening (that perhaps you're resisting). Which of your three great concerns are being affected: your career? your relationships? your health and well-being? Pain often comes from loss, or the fear of loss. What do you risk losing? Change also brings with it new possibilities and opportunities. What opportunities for growth are you facing? When the change is done, what's your best case scenario? Are the possible benefits worth the risk (the cost)? What can you do to cooperate with the challenge to ensure the optimal results of the change (whether it's come voluntarily or not)? What do you need to do to rid yourself of blame, fault-finding, and resentment over this situation? If you believe that you've been victimized, what choices did you make that contributed to the situation? Whom do you have on your 'success team' who's willing to tell you the truth about where you are and where you're headed?

As they say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" It isn't about where the lemons came from, it's all about what you're going to do with them. Isn't it about time to get squeezing?