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Obligations and Expectations

Written by: Les Brown

Article Overview: We start out life, given a set of assumptions that act as 'training wheels' until we're ready to strike out on our own. Sadly, some people never do.

Obligations and Expectations

Almost everything in life these days comes with training wheels. Remember them? They kept you from falling over and hurting yourself before you really learned how to ride a bicycle. Once upon a time, only a few things (like our proverbial bicycle) came with training wheels, now, some people are trying their best to outfit the planet with them. Not only are people trying very hard to save us from ourselves (have they put up child-proof guard rails around the Grand Canyon yet?), but we're being provided with very specific instructions on the correct operation of everything. You probably remember the story of the guy who put his ladder in cow manure and sued when it slipped over (of course that never happened, it was a story both invented and repeated by Ronald Regan). Now your ladder says, "Do not set ladder in cow manure." (It doesn't??? That's odd, because mine does!)

Let's talk a little about these 'training wheels' that we've been given throughout our lives. What are they there for? You're probably saying, "Isn't it obvious that they're there to help people get started doing something that they've never done before?" That's the approach that I would take with it. However, there are two issues that militate against what you and I would see as 'obvious': 1) some people are two frightened or too lazy to go beyond the training stage and 2) some trainers can be so insistent that people 'get' the basics that they prevent them from moving beyond them.

In sports, it seems that parents and coaches can't wait to push kids into playing adult-sized games with adult-level equipment. Some even encourage youngsters whose bones are still growing to work out with weights — a practice that can cause permanent damage. On the other hand, in many other areas of life, those same young men and women are discouraged from taking on adult challenges. Many elementary school age youngsters are sent to some kind of church school or religious education. Then what? From my experience in the ministry, I'd say that, often times, nothing much happens after that. I've met very many people who've had literally years of religious education and then grew up and tried to deal with adult issues with an elementary school education. Is it any wonder that they're confused? In addition, many times, religious educators discourage or even prevent these same youngsters from asking challenging questions and taking new perspectives.

I'm sure that each of you could come up with his or her own set of examples about how our culture attempts to enforce conformity and to discourage independent, confrontational thought. The cultural 'system' can get very threatened when people choose to go outside the 'norm.' So each of us has been provided with a set of cultural 'training wheels' that seem to be permanently mounted and irremovable. These 'training wheels' are presented as cultural obligations and expectations. Do you think that these are bad things? I don't; at least not when they're presented as values and ideals to strive for: things like honesty, integrity, honor, loyalty, justice, kindness, and respect. That shouldn't cause problems, and it won't . . . so long as people get the opportunity to build the definition of these values for themselves. The problem arises when people presume to define these values for others. That's the moment when the training wheels get permanently welded on.

As you grow, you're expected to assume adult obligations: obligations to your society, to your family, and to yourself. At the same time, you've either carried along with you or have been forced to carry along many assumptions about these obligations and expectations: many of which can be obsolete, inappropriate or just plain false. You don't have to be a martyr to your job, your family or your own self-image. You have choices — even fundamental choices. The world of obligations, expectations, and assumptions is what we call the 'first half of life.' This phase is as necessary as training wheels on a bicycle. Yet, your life can get really messy if (for whatever reason) you choose to stay there. The saddest thing I can think of would be a person who reached the end of life and said, "I did everything I was supposed to do; now, when do I get mine?" Happily, it's never an 'either - or' situation: every person — including yourself — has a chance to live out the obligations and expectations of life in a way that's suitable and fulfilling.

Take a look at your own obligations and expectations. If you can make a careful inventory of them, you may begin to see where you're still stuck in training wheels. What challenging questions do you want to ask (but haven't yet asked)? Can you find any assumptions that you're carrying that keep you stuck and frustrated where you are? Do you remember how to dream? Do you remember how to ask those creative 'what if' questions? What if things could be different? What if you could take care of your social and familial obligations and still get to find personal fulfillment? What if there's a second half of life out there waiting for you?

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Article Tags: adult level, bones, child proof, cow manure, grand canyon, guard rails, how to ride a bicycle, ladder, life these days, men and women, parents, permanent damage, religious education, ronald regan, sized games, training stage, training wheels, weights, young men, youngsters



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