Tweet

The Most Terrible Feeling of All

Written by: Les Brown

Article Overview: Emotions are not just expressions for midlife men, they're the key to unlocking his self-image, his self-esteem, and his self-respect. Midlife can be a very dangerous path.

The Most Terrible Feeling of All

One day my father, as a young man, came home from work to find the apartment cleaned out of furniture and swept clean. His wife (not my mother) was gone. Needless to say, reconciliation wasn't an option. I also know of a woman who was so alienated from her husband that, from time to time, he'd come down to breakfast and find a note on the kitchen table saying, "Gone." She'd reappear after a week or so traveling or visiting family. Seldom do you hear of men doing the 'cut and run' routine. As a matter of fact, the more frequent story tells the story of men who who have become obsessed with the object of their affections.

In spite of their bravado, men easily become dependent on women. The same way most women wouldn't leave home and leave her children behind, most men wouldn't leave their wife behind (at least until he had found and hooked up with someone else). Men cling to their wives not out of a sense of responsibility (the way women cling to their children) but out of a sense of need. Talking about his own sex, Dr. Jed Diamond writes, ". . . we give a lot of our power to women. Our sense of self-esteem and value depends totally on their view of us. We become 'nice guys' who are forever trying to please the women in our lives. Or we become controlling and mean as we take out our anger on the women we are so dependent upon."

Although I'm not a trained or licensed psychologists, I've found that I can't spend very long in the midlife arena without having to sort through virtual buckets of emotions — most of them painful, negative ones — that men in the midlife transition experience. As I've been shuffling through this pile of emotional detritus, I've found that people (men in particular) have to manage three different emotional arenas where different emotions may wreak havoc on them simultaneously. The first emotional arena in which men have to play is the arena of felt emotions. This is the most fundamental (and most real) level. These are the emotions that a man is actually feeling. The second emotional arena could be called the arena of recognized emotions. These are the feelings that a man thinks he's feeling (which could be quite different from what he's actually feeling. Finally, there's the arena of the expressed emotions. These are the emotions that he lets out into the world. According to Dr. Diamond and other notable researchers, the typical male emotional vocabulary is limited to two 'words': anger and sex.*

The arena of expressed emotions, where the felt emotions finally emerge, funnels negative emotions (like frustration, hurt, sadness, guild or shame) into the one (negative) expression: anger; and it funnels positive emotions (like sympathy, caring, warmth, connectedness or intimacy) into the other (positive) expression: sex. The deeper that researchers delve past the anger of the expressed emotions, beyond the recognized emotions, to what men are really feeling, the more that they're finding a common source for the Irritable Male Syndrome. Whereas women's self-esteem is tied to their emotional connections (girls want to be liked, women want to nurture), men's self-esteem rises and falls on the respect they receive from others. When men feel disrespected ('dissed'), they feel disvalued and discounted. Men's lives are all about doing, about competency and accomplishment . . . and about being recognized for these things. Norman Mailer once wrote, "Nobody was born a man; you earned manhood provided you were good enough, bold enough."

In the midlife transition, many men are caught in a vicious cycle of negative emotions — often triggered by a feeling of failure or inadequacy — that sends them into a downward spiral. Since all negative emotions (including disappointment get translated into anger (and the man recognizes that his anger is inappropriate), he begins to feel out of control, unable to 'fix' the emotional vacuum that he feels he's being sucked into. Before very long, our emotionally overwrought guy begins to feel the most terrible feeling of all for a man: helplessness. That one feeling, perhaps more than any other, strikes at the root of his manhood and self-esteem leaving him disvalued (and disrespected) in his own eyes. It's unimaginable to feel that you're being devoured by your own emotions, and that your own awareness of that feeling is devouring you. "A man [can easily] prove his manhood every day by standing up to challenges and insults even though he goes to his death 'smiling,'" writes Oscar Lewis. It's far more excruciating for a man to go to his (emotional) death in tears, consumed by his own sense of worthlessness.

Men facing the midlife transition are standing at the very edge of this abyss. Far too many go over the edge, losing their relationships, their families, their careers, their very identities. No wonder men in this situation want to start all over again, create a new persona, and reinvent themselves. Their old selves (defined by their visible signs of success) evidently didn't work. The obvious choice, then, is do something different. We can only hope, when he's through remaking himself, that our guy will get in touch on a deeper level with what's been going on inside him. Otherwise, I fear, there's always the possibility that the 'new' man will only be the old man in disguise, and the cycle will start all over again. We can also hope and pray that our guy doesn't yield to his feelings of helplessness (and hopelessness) and take his own life, as so many do. As they say, that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Men can truly change. They can break this cycle and not let it overpower them. All they need to do so is to find a sense of purpose not just in what they do, but also in who they are.

______

*I suspect that there's a third emotional expression that we could add here: pride. This is the emotion that he shows when he (or his favorite team) scores or wins a game, when he's succeeded in completing a difficult objective, or when one of his children wins, succeeds or is honored.

Related Articles
  A Life of Choice
  Gold Medals? Or Alligators?
  How Will The Roller Coaster Changes In Life Affect You
  Feeling the Positive Opposite
  Times Are Good

Article Tags: affections, anger, apartment, arenas, bravado, buckets, detritus, emotions, havoc, jed diamond, kitchen table, matter of fact, midlife transition, nice guys, psychologists, reconciliation, self esteem, sense of responsibility, spite, young man



Related Forum Posts
Re: THE SECRET TO SUCCESS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD...RIGHT NOW!!! - Success = Thinking (Head) + Heart (Feeling / Interest) + Hand (doing/ action). Success - H3 Robert
Re: your personality type? - Hi Zac, If you're on the fence about 2 and 3, I'd think more about them. Big picture people tend to be oblivious to the detail of what is happening NOW -- the colors on a restaurant wall, the layout of someone's apartment, the color of people's shirts at a party, etc. They instead notice the "theme" -- an upscale restaurant (who knows what color), casual shirts at a party (not sure what style), etc. A "trendy" apartment, but who knows where the bathroom was. Gut feeling people tend to act w/o all the facts, and are comfortable following that instinct. "Thinker" people will choose something even if they HATE it, just because it "makes sense." Where as that makes no sense to a gut person. Thinkers are more "black and white" where as gut instinct feelers are more "gray area" people. But going with your selections... 1. Within 2. Big Picture 3. Gut Feeling 4. Spontaneous The Reflective Seeker of Truth. You are a passionate searcher of big-picture meaning and strive to help others with your empathetic listening skills. Socially, you are usually quiet, but can be a social butterfly when you feel like it, though it can be draining to do so for too long. You have a very silly and goofy side, enjoy people and need time to quietly reflect #1 Strength: Predicting Future Likelihoods #2 Strength: Expressing Social Feeling Predicting Future Likelihoods Predicting what is likely to happen, based on past events, themes, or what has historically been true. Deciding what will happen, based on past events. These predictions are usually spoken with con?dence and certainty. A thread or common idea is drawn from the past, and these ideas are used to decide what will happen in the future. Authorities and past situations are extremely important for deciding what will happen in the future. Expressing Social Feeling Setting an emotional tone, vibrant, energetic, or serious, etc. Concerned with the emotional environment as it?s happening -- the vibe of people at a party, the tone of a situation, other people?s responses. Setting the tone -- dramatic and serious, or lighthearted and a celebration. Emotional displays are important for knowing how others are feeling, whether bad or good. Someone talking in a monotone about feelings seems insincere. Feels should be shown, so they can be read by others. If that is your type, your #1 match would be... The Strong-Willed Go-Getter. You are a bold sculptor of the here-and-now in order to achieve immediate results following a logical system for making decisions. You add a fun, upbeat vibe to social events and are often the most gregarious person in the room. #1 Strength: Commander of Physical Space #2 Strength: Systematic/Rule Logic
Re: your personality type? - Hi Michelle! If you are the present-moment focused, this is your result. If it doesn't seem spot on, I'll give you the big-picture focused result. The Enjoyer of Life. You enthusiastically enjoy experiencing the five senses, creative pursuits and social harmony in the here-and-now. You are independent, socially upbeat, and enjoy creating a positive and happy atmosphere. Despite your outgoing “persona,” you are a private person and few people truly know you well). #1 Strength: Comfort Creator #2 Strength: Expressing Social Feeling 1) Comfort Creator -- Creating a comfortable physical environment. Feels the ?ve senses vividly. Adept at using objects, or ?nding or building objects, to make a physical space the most soothing to all ?ve senses. Also organizing so objects are easily found in a convenient way. Both the physical comfort of self, and others, is important. Often feel a need to ensure those close to them are warm enough, fed, rested, etc. Will easily offer help to others in these areas, lending a jacket, or offering a snack. 2) Expressing Social Feeling Setting an emotional tone, vibrant, energetic, or serious, etc. Concerned with the emotional environment as it?s happening -- the vibe of people at a party, the tone of a situation, other people?s responses. Setting the tone -- dramatic and serious, or lighthearted and a celebration. Emotional displays are important for knowing how others are feeling, whether bad or good. Someone talking in a monotone about feelings seems insincere. Feels should be shown, so they can be read by others. Your best type would be: The Conceptualizer. You are an inventive creator of logical systems of possibilities that you use to create processes, products or strategies. Socially, you are sometimes quiet, but also find yourself acting as the life of the party, especially when you get caught up in a debate or entertaining topic of conversation. #1 Strength: Generating Future Possibilities #2 Strength: Systematic/Rule Logic


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Tweet

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

Five Ways to Show Honest Appreciation

Executives and Elevators Perfecting That Pitch

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.