Earlier this week, my partner, Craig, sent me a story in an e-mail
from his work. I thought it was one of the best of its kind that I had
read in a very long time, so I want to share it with all of you. Here's
the story:
A
young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make
it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It
seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother
took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed
each on a high fire.. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she
placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she
placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a
word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She
fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs
out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and
placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what
you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her
mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did
and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to
take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the
hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip
the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The
daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother
explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity:
boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong,
hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling
water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin
outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting
through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground
coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling
water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked
her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?'
Think of this: Which
am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do
I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that
starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a
fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or
some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look
the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit
and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean
actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the
pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If
you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better
and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and
trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How
do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Nobody's
immune from landing in hot water from time to time, especially at
midlife. The question is never whether or not you're going to be in hot
water (you will), but what you're going to do when you get there. You will do something!
There's a fabricated story going around about putting a frog in a pot
of water on the stove and ever so gradually increasing the temperature
of the water. The story pretends that the frog won't notice the gradual
increase until its too late and it'll boil to death. That's not what
happens: when the frog gets too uncomfortable, it'll jump out of the
water (just as you would). When things get too uncomfortable, you will act; what you need to ask yourself is: what will you do?
The
'carrot' option and the 'egg' option are really just two varieties of
the same choice: you can play the victim and pretend that adversity has
gotten the best of you. It's not that adversity doesn't change us — it
does — but it's a matter of how we are changed. All adversity
presents us with an opportunity to grow. Even Nietzsche said, "What
doesn't kill us makes us stronger." He said, ". . . makes us stronger" not makes us harder.
So long as we're pushing the envelope, there's no such thing as
'failure.' We learn by our mistakes. We discover more about ourselves
when situations call on us to produce more than we think we can. None
of this casts us in the role of 'victim.' That happens only when we
give up and take a defeatist attitude, saying to ourselves: "I'll never
make it," "I'll never love again," "I can't do it," or "I quit."
Remember what Henry Ford is quoted as saying: "Whether you believe you
can do a thing or not, you are right."
Your deepest strength lies
in your capacity to transform your situation, regardless of what it may
be. Compare those whom you're aware of who have received a death
sentence and who have nonetheless deeply touched those around them by
their integrity and courage (like Farrah Fawcett, for example) with
those who have received the same news and have taken that opportunity
to drag those who loved and cared for them down with them. I think
we've all known of such people.
That reminds me of the change
of heart that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross had as she studied the dying. At
first, she thought that there was no difference between those who
believed in a Higher Power and those that didn't. It seemed to make no
difference in how much difficulty they had getting to acceptance.
Deeper investigation, however, showed a clear difference, once
Kübler-Ross realized that claiming belief and having faith
were entirely different matters. Those with an active spirituality were
much less likely to see themselves as victims, and they were much more
likely not only to reach acceptance more quickly but also to exert a
transformative influence on their situations and on those around them.
I've said all along that the midlife transition is essentially a spiritual
one. It's a transition from being externally-focused to becoming
interiorly-focused. 'Maturity' in this perspective means shifting your
focus from the superficial to the essential in your life. With that
shift comes the inner capacity to transform your outer environment. It
derives from a growing conviction in your heart that you are invulnerable: that even death itself cannot defeat you.
I
challenge you to look at the difficulties you face right now at
midlife: troubles in your relationships, troubles with your career and
finances, troubles in your health and well-being. Now, rather than
trying to 'fix' them, why not ask yourself on a daily (or even an
hourly) basis, "What can I do with the knowledge and experience that
I'm gaining through this?" What can you do now that you couldn't do
yesterday? What new paths and opportunities have opened up along your
way? What stranger will you meet today — that Angel in disguise — who,
when you welcome him or her, will grace you in unexpected ways? Even in
the midst of the noise of fighting or the crying and screaming that may
be surrounding you, what's God's "still small voice" telling you in
your heart of hearts that you haven't heard before now? Life: it's
'good to the last drop!'
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