Tweet

8 Ways To Influence

Guest post by: Tim Brownson

Article Overview: Have you ever wondered how some people can exert influence and others struggle? Well it's not rocket science and you too can learn how to influence people.

8 Ways To Influence

If I walked up to you at a local Chamber of Commerce networking event and after introducing myself, proceeded to eat the rather nice shrimp vol-au-vent off you plate, quaff the last of your wine and then after announcing you were an asshole, turn and walk off. What would you think of me?

Would you be wondering what services or products I offered because you were eager to hire me or buy from me? Would you be angry and annoyed and want to punch the tasty crustacean back out of my mouth? Or would you be shell-shocked, stunned and speechless?

Imagine the same scenario only this time the perpetrator is your best friend and you’re at a really boring event that neither of you wanted to attend in the first place. How do you react this time? Fits of giggles or maybe a retaliatory strike in which you launch a carefully aimed mini pizza onto his or her well coiffured head?

Do you know what the most important factor is in working out how likely a doctor is to be sued by one or more of his patients? The fact that I’m asking this question probably leads you to presume that it has nothing to do with medical skills, and you’d be right.

All doctors make mistakes, all surgeons lose patients through error and all hospitals have procedures go wrong resulting in unnecessary deaths. It’s the name of the game I’m afraid. A lot of what they do isn’t exact science, even if we’d like to believe it is.

But why is the surgeon who performed the operation far more likely to get sued than the family doctor that neglected to offer a referral sooner, even when it’s obvious the blame lies with the doctor? And why do some brilliant surgeons get sued more often than their less capable and sometimes incompetent peers?

Have you ever spoken to anybody that has met Bill Clinton? Clinton is renowned as having charisma by the boat load. People that speak to him say he makes them feel like they are the only person in the world, that he seems enthralled by them and makes them think he’s their best buddy for ever and will be carving their name in a tree any moment now.

One word binds Clinton, the thieving friend who stole your Sauvignon Blanc and the doctor you don’t want to sue.

That word is rapport.

Many times I’ve heard people say thinks like; Leaders are born and not made. You are either born with the ability to light up a room or you aren’t.

I do agree that some people appear to be naturally charismatic and there may be some element of genetics that comes into play, but I also happen to believe it’s primarily a skill. And by that I mean it can be learned, either consciously or unconsciously by anybody.

Let me blow my own horn for a moment if I may. I am technically speaking, a very good if somewhat lazy, sales person. Unlike 95% of people that say the sell for a living I actually understand the structure of the sale.

The reason I’m good is not because I was born like that, but because I’ve had several hundreds, maybe even thousands of hours training over the course of my life. I’ve also read dozens of books on sales and also associated topics like marketing, advertising and NLP. In short I’ve learned my trade in much the same way as I have learned about life coaching.

People like Bill Clinton may never have bought a book on charisma and rapport building (or he may, I really have no idea) and he may not have consciously trained himself. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t unconsciously train himself over the years. That he didn’t adjust and refine his methods using the constant stream of feedback he was receiving from all the people that he met.

Most people don’t do that. They get so wrapped up in trying to hammer home their message, they never notice that nobody’s really listening and any chance to build rapport, demonstrate charisma or influence the other person has disappeared.

So would you like to know what you can you do to help build rapid rapport that will allow you to exert more influence in all areas of your life? Well you’re in luck because I’m the man to tell you and I’m even going to do it in a list form so you can scan away till your hearts content!

1. Pace & Lead - Pacing is critical in building rapport. Pacing is the act of following the tempo of the person that you are talking to. This does not mean mimic them or trying to copy their accent. It simple means listening for their speed and pitch of delivery and match it as closely as you can.

Fast talkers can often get frustrated with people who talk more slowly and vice versa. When you start to do this effectively you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can build rapport

If you’ve paced properly you can now lead. This simply means moving the conversation to where you want it to be. Low and behold the other person will often unconsciously start to pace you, and you have control of the situation as well as confirming you have built a high level of rapport.

This can be used by highly astute customer service people that want to calm an irate customer. If somebody is shouting and screaming at you, about the worst thing you can do is slowly and quietly tell them to calm down.

2. Mirror/Match – People that are in rapport will often have similar body language. Next time you’re in a restaurant or bar look for couples and see if you can spot those that are in completely engrossed in each other.

Apart from the gazing into each other’s eyes and fooling around under the table they’ll also be replicating each other’s body movement quite closely. When one takes a drink, more often than not the other will do too. This is all done at an unconscious level, so don’t worry about looking too obvious I have never had anybody pick me up on this.

Note of caution: If the other person starts fondling themselves in a suggestive manner in a public place it’s probably best not to duplicate their behavior, even if you do think you’re on to a promise. A good starting point with this can be with an introductory handshake. If the person you are meeting has a handshake that could crack walnuts don’t hang your hand out there like you’re asking your manicurist what he thinks of your cuticles. You do have long enough during a handshake to get this right, so practice it.

Just to throw a rather large fly into a small amount of ointment. Some people that are intimately connected may look completely out of rapport to a casual observer. Don’t get too hung up on this, just stick with the basics.

3. Eye Contact – I don’t know how many times I have read that making eye contact is critical to building rapport, but it’s not necessarily true. It can be critical, but it can also blow the deal because it is so difficult to get right to.

I’d advise being fairly vague to begin with and looking to see what the other person does. You can easily creep somebody out if you if you hold somebody’s stare for too long and equally it can seem weird if you are gazing everywhere but at the person you’re with.

Hold eye contact when they are talking because this shows interest but remember to break it from time to time especially if they start sweating profusely and looking agitated.

4. Ask Questions - By this I don’t mean ask them if they know the collective noun for monkeys. Ask them open ended questions about themselves. Most people (although far from all) like to talk about themselves and if you keep asking them to tell you more they’ll think you’re just brilliant.

5. Compliments – The vast majority of people like compliments and are attracted to people that give them one. A big no-no here though is not to make them up. If your date has a tie on that looked like his cat threw up on it, don’t say you like it, in fact, don’t even look at it.

6. Smiling – As with eye contact this is not an open and shut case. A lot of time smiling is good and will help build rapport. However, smiling may be inappropriate on occasions. Bounding up toi the widow at a funeral with a big cheesy grin on your face just wont cut the mustard. Use your common sense with this one.

7. Commonalities – This is a brilliant rapport builder and one I frequently used when I was in sales (in a highly ethical manner of course). It works best when you are in the other persons environment. Look for signs of things they like that you also like. Don’t pretend you’re into ferrets if you aren’t and that you like to compete in triathlons if you don’t or tell them you too are a vegetarian with half a Big Mac stuck to the side of your fac. People like people like them and this is a great way to demonstrate similarities and build rapid rapport.

8. Money - Have lots of money, be very funny and be stunningly good looking and trust me, people will find you interesting.

Related Articles
  The Power to Influence Your Employees
  You Are Either Influencing or Being Influenced
  Business Influence: Success Secrets
  The 4 Keys to Referral Success
  Strike a Profile for Profit and Dress to Conquer the World Every Day!
  Why Do Referral Efforts Fail?
  Build your power base
  Your Circle Of Influence
  Impact and Influence: A Key Competency for Top Performers
  Great Leadership Requires Inspiration, XI
  How to Establish & Exert Influence
  The Do's and Dont's of Influencing Others
  Different Influencing Styles
  The Bookend Process of Engagement
  Your Credibility Factor
  Assessing Our Ability to Influence Others
  Are You Building Bridges of Influences?
  Impact and Influence in Negotiation – Observe their Decision Making Criteria
  Workplace Leaders Don't Need Leadership Titles
  Stakeholder Management - With Effectiveness Comes Efficiency

Article Tags: charisma, influence, leading, mirroring, NLP, pacing, rapport, self development



Related Forum Posts
Re: QUESTION: What was the last book you read? Would you recomme - Right now I'm reading [i:3d7bb3lw]How to Win Friends and Influence People[/i:3d7bb3lw] by Dale Carnegie. I'm not finished yet but I can already say that I highly recommend it!
Favourite Business Books - The November PROFIT magazine looks at the favourite business books of Canada's most successful entrepreneurs. The top 4 are: 1) Good to Great by Jim Collins 2) The E-Myth by Michael Gerber 3) Blue Ocean Strategy by W. Chan Kim and Renee Mauborgne 4) How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Re: Ideas For Business - Stas and lucy, Could you guys give us a recap of your entire business idea as it stands now. Seems like it morped a bit. Let us know: 1. Start date 2. Ways you will Market 3. What you will offer 4. How much will your charge for your offer
Motivational Books for Entrepreneurs - Searched but did not find a comprehensive list of books for us entrepreneurs: Here are some of my favorites: Napoleon Hill - Think and Grow Rich The greatest secret in the world- Earl Nightingale...listen to it, then listen to it again. Jeffrey Gitomers books- Red book of selling, sales bible, Green book of getting your way. Your Erroneous Zones - Wayne Dyer Thinkertoys - Michael Michalko How To Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie The Magic of Believing - Claude M. Bristol How to Talk to Anyone - Leil Lowndes Get Smarter- Seymour Schulich What are yours?
Re: QUESTION: What was the last book you read? Would you recomme - [quote="Trent Brownrigg":3dahpr94]Right now I'm reading [i:3dahpr94]How to Win Friends and Influence People[/i:3dahpr94] by Dale Carnegie. I'm not finished yet but I can already say that I highly recommend it![/quote:3dahpr94] This one is an Evegreen Trent. I have just finished reading The Elephant Whisperer by Lawrence Anthony. It is a true story and takes place on a game (animal) farm in Zululand South Africa. I found it amazing and learned a whole lot about the intelligence of elephants. Very inspiring story. MichelleJ


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

Top 7 Tips to Real Estate Agents’ Success

Hypotheticals, Scenarios and Foresight

Are You An Accidental Consultant?

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.