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Exploring the Sharing of Three Words

Written by: Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D., CPCC

Article Overview: “I am sorry.” There are so many lessons to be learned about how to say these simple and very powerful words.

Exploring the Sharing of Three Words

I remember when, in my early life, I said those words a lot. I said them so unconsciously I really didn’t realize I said them as often as I did until my first personal growth teacher told me so. What I learned was, at that time, those words came from a place of shame. I believed I had done something wrong. I was bad. I had made a mistake. In other words, apologies came from my ego and, to be more specific, my wounded inner child.

With time the words, “I’m sorry”, became toxic to me, and I had difficulty in saying them. Yes, I would apologize for the sake of politeness such as, being late. What I rarely said was “I’m sorry” at the end of a heated discussion or misunderstanding. Internally, I wrestled with the shame I felt for my actions and usually took full responsibility for any issues in a relationship. With others, I hid my internal struggle because I wanted to avoid feeling ‘one down’ and vulnerable.

This wrestling with “I’m sorry” is not unusual in a culture where people are often made wrong. There is so much toxic shame for behaviours we deeply know are out of integrity with whom we want to be. Our ego is searching to find its place in the world and can do so in hurtful and very human ways. To avoid our feelings of shame, we can avoid taking true responsibility for our actions and words. We defend. We justify. We try to get the other person to understand why we behaved the way we did. We say, “I’m sorry but…” as a way to cushion what we are going to say that may be difficult to hear. It all becomes about us.

This is what I know now. From the belief that nobody gets to be wrong, there is a distinction between the doer and the behaviour. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean that we’re saying, “I’m a terrible person because I made a mistake. I did it wrong. I’m wrong” It can mean: “I have regret for my behaviour. I want to apologize for my unintended impact. I didn’t know.” It means: “I’m sorry that you’re feeling upset because that’s what really counts to me - your feelings. It’s not about whose right or wrong or what specifically was said.”

This shift from shame to regret is equivalent to the shift from the ego to the soul. Saying I’m sorry with regret comes from a soulful place: “I love you. I never intended to hurt you. I am so sorry.” The energy of these words comes from the heart instead of the head.

What a difference it has made in my significant relationships to be able to utter the words, “I’m sorry” from my soul. Love enters the space. Spaciousness for what’s next occurs. Doors open. Healing happens.

If this speaks to you, play with this concept. How do you say the words, “I’m sorry”? What are you sorry about? When you notice an impact that you never intended or would like to take back, will you let the other person know? And notice what happens from this conscious, self-responsible place where you reach another level of claiming your life as your own. Sometimes it’s in the subtle ways that we can make the most profound difference in our lives.

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Article Tags: apologies, behaviours, belief that, distinction, doer, ego, feelings, heated discussion, inner child, integrity, internal struggle, mistake, misunderstanding, personal growth, place of shame, politeness, sake, terrible person, toxic shame, wrestling



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