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Guest post by: Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D., CPCC Become an Author

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I’ve often heard people say, “I have to protect myself” when they talk about the possibility of getting emotionally hurt by a person’s words and actions or being around energy that might be considered toxic and negative. To what degree have you shared this belief? How common is it for you to feel self-protective?

Notice how your body feels when you simply say the word. Does the word itself increase or decrease your energy? When it’s accompanied by the belief that you must protect yourself, what else do you notice? Does your body tense up or relax? What happens to your heart? Does it expand, contract or go numb?

In other words, when we come from the perspective that we have to protect ourselves, are we living in fear or love? Does the intention to protect ourselves come from judgement, or is it about embracing all that happens to us?

The words and actions of those around us can impact us in painful and uncomfortable ways - there’s no doubt that that is true for all of us. Emotional triggers are part of life. In these circumstances, it is natural for us to try our best to protect ourselves. We try to control our experience by spontaneously closing off our hearts instead of staying ex-panded, open and free.
I have noticed that when I am hurt, it can be so easy for me to shut down and withdraw or want to stick up for myself in a pretty feisty way (another form of protection). The words or actions of someone important to me can trigger an emotional reaction that causes me to shift into protective mode. What I have come to deeply understand is that, upon reflection, whatever the trigger was that came either via words or behaviour matched what I believed about myself. In truth, it was my own thinking that needed my attention and love. I’ve noticed a similar pattern when I react to someone’s ‘negative’ energy - again it’s my own judgment and identification with the energy that spurs me to react.

I now know that when I turn my focus inward, instead of focusing on the person or thing that I believe has stirred the painful feelings, everything shifts. I have taken responsibility for myself. When I take back my projections, I take back my personal power.

Take a moment to breathe and enter your quiet inner space. Think back to a time when your emotions were triggered by someone’s words or behaviour. Through the eyes of loving curiosity, notice the ways that you protected your heart. What were you telling yourself about that person? About yourself? What would change for you if you really understood the ‘flaw’ that you observed in the other person is also present within you? What was that quality within you that was hard to accept? What didn’t fit your ideal about who you are?

Continue to replay this scenario. Imagine moving ahead in time. What might have hap-pened if you stopped and focused on your experience for awhile without taking any ac-tion? What might you have learned about you? What opportunity did you have to know and accept another part of you - leading to the acceptance of all of you?

In order for change to occur in this pattern, it helps to be aware of and willing to acknowledge the benefits of staying open at a heart level to whatever comes our way. What is the cost of closing our hearts? What is it like to disconnect from ourselves and others in this way? How contrary is it to how we naturally want to be in the world - in heart connection - as that’s a joyful place for us. When we close our hearts, who is the one who really misses out?

How do you shift away from that self-protective track onto a new, expanded heart place regardless of what comes your way?
• Incline your mind in a new direction and gently notice the steps forward and backward - holding each step as part of the process of life.
• Use powerful questions such as, “What story am I telling myself now?” “Is it true?” “What is my intention if/when I respond?” “What will bring me back to the present moment and into my heart?”
• Take the time to stop whatever you are doing and breathe.
• Be honest with yourself when you reflect upon what part you need to own, accept, and send loving gratitude. This habit/quality began way back for a purpose - likely at a younger time when you really didn’t have any other resources or skills.
• Really understanding at a core, in-the-body level that hurt feelings or discomfort cannot be caused by someone else. When you deeply know that you are the only one who can hurt yourself by the way you think, an important step is taken to personal power. It’s your own choice to believe what you are thinking - in other words, to buy into the trigger. You don’t have to stop anyone else from hurting you. You only need to challenge what you are thinking.

With hearts open, all of us move forward. And that is a glorious choice to make in claiming your life as your own.

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