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When Defensiveness Shows Up

Guest post by: Jeannie Campanelli, Ed.D., CPCC

Article Overview: In November, 2007 I wrote about defensiveness and have found that, more than any other article that I’ve written, people commented on this one. I believe it’s because all of us know what it feels like to want to defend ourselves. Even if we're not actively defensive, the urge to defend our feelings, thoughts, and/or actions is part and parcel of being human. And often, this defensiveness creates even more disconnection and conflict than what we truly want.

When Defensiveness Shows Up

There are many explanations why feeling defensive is so natural, particularly when we believe we are being blamed, being made ‘wrong', or being unfairly judged. This is true, even when we're essentially the one who is self-judging, a habit of the mind that can be old and familiar. The belief system around 'getting it right' or 'being good' is built into our conditioning - not just through our parents but through our culture as a whole. Most of us have a deep yearning to be loved and fully accepted for who we are. We want to avoid feeling rejected, abandoned, or shamed because these are painful feelings. There's a human tendency to prefer feeling in control rather than vulnerable. And, for all of us, it can be challenging to reframe criticism as simply feedback that we are free to do something about - or not.

The drama triangle of persecutor, rescuer, and victim is a common dynamic. The victim feels hurt and seeks revenge, and so becomes the persecutor. The persecutor feels guilty, and therefore becomes the rescuer. The rescuer feels the hopelessness and frustration of trying hard to ‘fix' the problem and moves into the victim role. We move from role to role, unconsciously, habitually, frustratingly and, throughout it all, we give away our personal power.

So simply notice - what are your favorite points of view that ignite you to become defensive or, at the very least, want to become defensive? How do you participate in your own version of the drama triangle? What has you possibly shift from feeling like a victim to being a persecutor? In other words, do people react defensively when you give them feedback?

If defensiveness is hurting your relationships - with your mate, friends, family members, boss, or colleagues at work - and you want interactions to be different, it is helpful to know your emotional triggers. This is an important step to setting these emotionally-charged points of view free. And with this freedom, there will be a new ease and flow as you move through any relationship challenges in your life.

The following are more ways that may support you in responding in a relaxed and clear way rather than a defensive one:

• Make a clear commitment to stop being part of the drama in any role - victim, persecutor, or rescuer. This, in itself, works wonders as it will direct your attention to catching yourself after the fact at first, then in the midst of the dynamic, and eventually before you even enter the dynamic. This is a process that takes disciplined practice.
  
  
• When you feel an emotional reaction rising, find a safe place to simply be with what is. Close your eyes. Notice where the feeling lies in the body and place your hand there. Fully and completely welcome what is there to be felt. This is all about connecting to yourself and what is really happening within you rather than resisting it.
  
  
• The point of view, that defensiveness is ‘wrong' and needs to be ‘fixed', will only serve to feed more of the same. When we can accept rather than try hard to resist the urge to defend ourselves, we are being honest and true. Then any resistance to what is simply falls away.
  
  
• Through your breath, allow yourself to fall back into who you are, resting in the silence. From this silence/spaciousness/peace, which is your true nature, the words will be of a different quality when - and if - you do choose to speak.
  
  
• For those times when you feel charged and are unable to drop into silence or take the time to deeply connect with your feelings, you can have a practice in place that has you ask when receiving feedback that feels like criticism: "Is there anything else?", "Thank you for letting me know", or even "It's really hard for me not to defend myself right now" which is honest and real, too. Notice the impact of this level of openness on a dynamic.
  
  
• Whatever the dynamic that emerges between you and another that involves an exchange of defensiveness, take 100% responsibility for your part. It is only then that you will deepen through such powerful questions as: What am I believing about myself so that I react in this way? What works for me so I respond with grace?

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Article Tags: conflict, defensiveness, disconnection, feelings, urge



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