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Feeling Ignored

Written by: Jane Straus

Article Overview: Dear Jane, I get lost in a crowd, like I’m invisible. I pretend not to care and I know I make things worse by dressing in drab clothes. But I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. What can I do short of screaming, “Here I am! Pay attention to me!” Being ignored—not feeling special or valued—is one of the most hurtful experiences to endure. Unless we’re so Britney Spears-like famous that we lose all privacy, I think all of us have felt invisible and ignored. Given that the way you dress reinforces your pain, it’s likely that you have an old belief that you are unimportant.

Feeling Ignored

Dear Jane,
I get lost in a crowd, like I’m invisible. I pretend not to care and I know I make things worse by dressing in drab clothes. But I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. What can I do short of screaming, “Here I am! Pay attention to me!”

Being ignored—not feeling special or valued—is one of the most hurtful experiences to endure. Unless we’re so Britney Spears-like famous that we lose all privacy, I think all of us have felt invisible and ignored.

Given that the way you dress reinforces your pain, it’s likely that you have an old belief that you are unimportant. As I point out in my book, Enough Is Enough, our most consistently painful thoughts come from childhood. So here are some ways to change this thought so your suffering abates now.

Step 1: Recall a specific incident where, as a child, you had the thought that you were unimportant. Maybe some kids excluded you at lunch or when picking sides for team sports. Maybe a teacher didn’t notice your skills. Perhaps you grew up in a crowded home with a lot of siblings demanding the limited attention of your parent(s). Maybe you had a sibling who was the smart one or the pretty one or the athletic one—the one who got noticed.

Step 2: Give your inner child reassurance that being ignored had nothing to do with him and that he matters even now to you.

Step 3: There’s a saying: It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Start treating yourself the way you wish you had been treated. That means paying attention to your wants and needs, your likes and dislikes, and doing what makes you happy. Make your first question in the morning be, “What would make me happy today?” Maybe it’s buying new, brighter clothes that attract attention. Maybe it involves participating more in your community. Maybe it is asking for a promotion or joining a club. Whatever it is, commit to following through so that your inner child isn’t subjected to more of that invisibility. The gift of being truthful about your pain is that you can now do something for yourself to alleviate it. You deserve to feel special and to know that you matter.

This article was inspired by a poem dedicated to me by Hemdan in Egypt, who wrote The Greatest Pain in Life in Arabic and translated it into English.

The Greatest Pain in Life
أعظم ألم في الحياة


The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored

أعظم الم في الحياة ليس أن تموت,
ولكن بأن يتجاهلك الآخرون

To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn't care at all

بأن تخسر صديقاً تحبه جداً لتكسب آخر لا يكترث لك أبدً

The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten

أعظم الم في الحياة ليس بأن تموت, لكن بأن تُنسى

When you show someone your innermost thoughts and he laughs in your face

حينما تطلع أحدهم على أعمق أفكارك ثم يضحك ساخراً في وجهك

For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits
حينما يكون أصدقائك مشغولين جداً عن مواساتك عندما تحتاج لأحد كي يرفع من معنوياتك

When it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you

حينما يبدو لك أن الشخص الوحيد الذي يهتم لأمرك هو أنت
Life is full of pain, but does it ever get better?

الحياة مليئة بالألم , لكن هل يتحسن الوضع أبداً؟

Will people ever care about each other, and make time for those who are in need?

هل سيبالي الناس بأمر بعضهم البعض
و يخصصون وقتاً لأولئك الذين يحتاجون اهتمامهم؟

Each of us has a part to play in this great play we call life

لكل واحد منا دور لابد أن يلعبه
في هذه المسرحية التي نسميها الحياة

Each of us has a duty to mankind to tell our friends we love them

على كل واحد منا واجب للإنسانية
وهو أن نخبر أصدقائنا بأننا نحبهم

If you do not care about your friends you will not be punished
إذا كنت لا تهتم لأمر أصدقائك, فلن يعاقبك احد

You will simply be ignored... forgotten... as you have done to others
لكن سيتجاهلونك و ينسونك بكل بساطة
تماما كما فعلت بالآخرين

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Article Tags: asking for a promotion, belief that, britney spears, clothes, crowd, experiences, inner child, invisibility, likes and dislikes, lunch, painful thoughts, paying attention, reassurance, sibling, siblings, smart one, step 1, step 3, suffering, team sports



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