What Resentment Teaches You
What Resentment Teaches You
I’m so resentful I feel like I’m going to burst (or at least raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels). I don’t know what to do to let it go. Is there a process?
As much as I resent feeling resentment, I am learning to accept it as one of my greatest teachers. Every time I feel it (often dozens of times daily), I have a chance to examine it for what it really is: a disguised regret.
Here’s one brief example: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”
While this may be true at one level, I am certainly not going to create inner or outer peace by justifying my resentment. So I forced myself to go deeper. If I trust that underneath my resentment for this driver is some regret, what could it be? In a surprising way, my regrets unfolded in layers from superficial to visceral. Here they are:
I regret making someone else late because of me.
I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.
I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.
I regret believing I’m not important enough.
That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It is a relief to know that I can go from cussing out a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more. It is a relief to know that the healing for resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Give yourself compassion.
What Resentment Teaches You - To learn more about this author, visit Jane Straus's Website.
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Dear Jane,
I’m so resentful I feel like I’m going to burst (or at least raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels). I don’t know what to do to let it go. Is there a process?
As much as I resent feeling resentment, I am learning to accept it as one of my greatest teachers. Every time I feel it (often dozens of times daily), I have a chance to examine it for what it really is: a disguised regret.
Here’s one brief example: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”
While this may be true at one level, I am certainly not going to create inner or outer peace by justifying my resentment. So I forced myself to go deeper. If I trust that underneath my resentment for this driver is some regret, what could it be? In a surprising way, my regrets unfolded in layers from superficial to visceral. Here they are:
I regret making someone else late because of me.
I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.
I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.
I regret believing I’m not important enough.
That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It is a relief to know that I can go from cussing out a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more. It is a relief to know that the healing for resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Give yourself compassion.
What Resentment Teaches You - To learn more about this author, visit Jane Straus's Website.
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Linda RichardsonLinda Richardson is the Founder and Executive Chairwoman of Richardson, a global sales training and performance improvement company. As a recognized leader in the industry, she has won the coveted Stevie Award for Lifetime Achievement in Sales Excellence and she was identified by Training Industry, Inc. as one of the “Top 20 Most Influential Training Professionals.” Ms. Richardson is credited with the movement to Consultative Selling and is the author of ten books on selling and sales management, including Sales Coaching — Making the Great Leap from Sales Manager to Sales Coach, and Stop Telling, Start Selling. She teaches sales and management at the Wharton Graduate School of the University of Pennsylvania and the Wharton Executive Development Center. Linda is a frequent speaker at industry and client conferences, has been published extensively in industry and training journals, and has been featured in numerous publications, including The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Nation’s Business, Selling Power, Success, and The Conference Board Magazine. Learn more about Richardson's sales training and performance improvement solutions at http://www.richardson.com web - Visit Linda Richardson's Website |
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