What Resentment Teaches You

Dear Jane, I’m so resentful I feel like I’m going to burst (or at least raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels). I don’t know what to do to let it go. Is there a process?

As much as I resent feeling resentment, I am learning to accept it as one of my greatest teachers. Every time I feel it (often dozens of times daily), I have a chance to examine it for what it really is: a disguised regret.

Here’s one brief example: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”

While this may be true at one level, I am certainly not going to create inner or outer peace by justifying my resentment. So I forced myself to go deeper. If I trust that underneath my resentment for this driver is some regret, what could it be? In a surprising way, my regrets unfolded in layers from superficial to visceral. Here they are:

I regret making someone else late because of me.

I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.

I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.

I regret believing I’m not important enough.

That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It is a relief to know that I can go from cussing out a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more. It is a relief to know that the healing for resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Give yourself compassion.



What Resentment Teaches You - To learn more about this author, visit Jane Straus's Website.

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