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People pleasing

Written by: Lisa Phillips

Article Overview: Are you a people pleaser? Do you have the disease to please? The people pleaser is one of the most common masks which we wear. Experts report that many of us have been trained from an early age on to become approval-seeking "people pleasers." The problem with this scenario is that excessive "people-pleasing" can be extremely damaging to your emotional well-being.

People pleasing

If you have a people pleaser pattern, you will often try to be behave how other people would like you to behave, try to be what others want you to be, agree with others and always try to fit in - to not ' rock the boat'. You may not be aware that you are doing this, but often the people pleaser mask is worn to avoid conflict or reactions that you are afraid of.



A few examples of this are as follows:



1) When Jane goes out on a date, her main concern is how much the man likes her and how much she can impress him. She doesn't ask herself how much she likes him or if he is a suitable partner for her. She doesn't just enjoy herself. Her main focus throughout the date is on pleasing him. She tries to figure out what his preferences are and they become hers without her even realizing this. If she says something that he seems to disagree with, she immediately changes her opinion. If they go to a movie or a restaurant, she finds that she has roughly the same opinion of it as he does. She doesn't entirely realize that she is trying to please him, it just happens.



2) In the work environment, in an over-the-top effort to please a demanding boss, a typical people pleaser may agree to take on too many tasks (far more tasks than their colleagues agree to take on), and then they may also stay extremely late in the evening to complete every last task, rather than ever saying "No" or "Enough."





When this people pleasing pattern is activated, we may often have a hard time No or setting limits or healthy boundaries. We say Yes..when we really want to say No. We also tend to avoid conflict. We want other people's approval, and even more importantly, we want to avoid other people's disapproval. If someone asks us for something, we have a hard time not giving it.

True People Pleasers are usually people who were wounded badly in childhood - shamed until their needs no longer seemed important to them
-- and learned at a very early age that to survive with the least amount of stress thrown at them, they should try with all their might to make everyone else around them happy. Unfortunately, People Pleasers often become prey for the predator types and may find themselves being walked all over, controlled or even abused. Their feelings of worthlessness, and the fear that they are nothing without someone else's love or approval, leave them with a need to continue to prove their worth to others. People Pleasers are the ones with a friendly smile on their face and the word prey stamped on their forehead. They are driven to chase love by doing, overdoing, and then doing some more! They may take the form of the love buyer, buying gifts and spending money that they don't have, in order to gain love. Their food is the approval of others, and although they may look like they are giving, they are actually taking in order to gain the love and approval they desire so deeply.

One of the main problems that arise for many approval-seeking people pleasers, who expend so much energy on suppressing their own feelings, is that they often end up becoming extremely resentful, because they feel such a relentless, emotionally draining urge to please everyone they meet.

Are you a "people pleaser," and if so, would you like to break the habit? If so, try some of the following exercises:

1. Acknowledge that people pleasing is a problem in your life.

2. Make a decision to start expressing your needs to everyone in
your life in a clear, concise, articulate manner. Feel the Fear and do it anyway!

3. Write yourself a list of a 'Bill of Rights' so you know what
your rights are in this world!

4. Practice articulating your needs with someone who is
non-threatening (a therapist, a friend or an understanding partner).

5. Understand that confrontation need not be a negative thing.
Read up on assertiveness or attend an assertiveness course.

6. If you currently gravitate toward friends, bosses, and/or
romantic partners who have overly dominant, controlling personalities, consider befriending people who do not possess these personality traits, because such people are bound to trigger your old people-pleasing tendencies. Recognize your own Red Flags!

7. Remind yourself that it is perfectly acceptable to disagree
with other people. In fact, you will command greater respect from just about everyone you know as soon as you start expressing your honest, heartfelt feelings and opinions, whether or not others agree with you.

Practice the above for 21 days and make this your action plan to stop being a people pleaser. You can rid yourself of the DISEASE TO PLEASE!!!

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Article Tags: masks, people pleasing, pleasing, saying no



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Re: What Do You Think Of My Breaking News Video? - Hi Zac I think your video is great. The colors are pleasing and the lack of hype is an absolute pleasure. I have reached the stage that as soon as the hype starts I tend to hit the delete button. MichelleJ
Re: How do you create the WOW factor in business? - A wow factor has to be different, something that stands out from everyone else's ideas. I was really wowed by restaurants that have amazing waiters and waitresses that are unbelievably polite and caring, I guess a lot restaurants may achieve good services too, either way it's very pleasing to have good service.
Re: How do you create the WOW factor in business? - [quote="Lucy Wu":2c4wr7v7]A wow factor has to be different, something that stands out from everyone else's ideas. I was really wowed by restaurants that have amazing waiters and waitresses that are unbelievably polite and caring, I guess a lot restaurants may achieve good services too, either way it's very pleasing to have good service.[/quote:2c4wr7v7] To add on the restaurant example... One restaurant I was at years ago had outstanding waiters. Our waiter, in particular, would bring out new drinks even when your drink was still half full. He did this for everyone. I was astonished. It was kind of funny in a sense, but I appreciated it a lot more than wanting a new drink and not getting it. A waitress I had at Dennys one time was able to memorize everyone's order without writing it down. The orders were all correct, and she even remembered who got what. I'm sure a lot of people were impressed by her, which helped their business as a whole.
Re: Kevin's Case Study #3 - Promoting something you can't try - I agree with ltrahan. People generally have to see it to believe it these days. I know I would want to.
Re: How can I use this forum to market my company? - Indeed this forum is a great place for your business promotion. People are looking into it seriously and i have been getting a lot of positive response.


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