Complete not perfect

Just think about it. Happiness is something that we can never programme. It cannot be ‘pushed’ in from the outside. It arises from within each of us - from our thoughts and feelings.

If we are not content within ourselves then nothing, repeat nothing, will make us happy. Winning the lottery will certainly give us pleasure – we will be able to satisfy our desires, but it will not bring us happiness. Pleasures are superficial and all external – such as buying new clothes, food, alcohol, drugs and engaging in extreme sports. They need to be repeated because desires can never be satisfied. Happiness comes from inner peace with a contented and tranquil mind and an understanding of who we are, which includes our ethics, morals values and virtues. This understanding allows an acceptance of what we perceive to be our current ‘drivers’ for whatever actions, thoughts or behaviour patterns that make up our lives.

Too many people identify themselves with money and ‘stuff’ and not with other human beings. This can only cause problems. Human beings make us happy – things don’t. Relationships make us happy, possessing something does not. Possessing something brings its own set of problems and worries because our possessions can be taken away from us – we can lose them. We then start to think that, “If I lose my possessions I am diminished as a human being.” This a form of idolatry; a travesty of a human being who worships material items more than their humanity; someone who places a higher value on material objects than on a human life – their life.

Their needs to be a balance between the ‘inner’ and the ‘outer’ person; between our self worth and our identification with what we possess. Our inner and outer experiences must be in some sort of equilibrium with a satisfactory integration between our relationship with family, the larger society (including our employment) and the environment. Relationships also have their problems of course. But a good relationship with someone, a partner or a friend, is worth any amount of money. Good relationships bring stability to our lives and give it an emotional foundation. Most importantly, however, it is essential to have a good relationship with ourselves. If we cannot like ourselves we will never like, nor love, anyone else and they will find it difficult to like us.

There is a saying, “A person’s worth is not how much they earn, or even what they have made or done, but who they are.”

No relationship, of course, is perfect. We are humans after all with our hang-ups, our eccentricities, our likes and dislikes. Perfection is an impossibility given the human condition. Perfection is something final – it is perfect therefore nothing more needs to be done. Perfection precludes anything further. That’s it; it is done; it is perfect.

Our lives however are not in a state of perfection; life is dynamic; it is a process – our lives are always in a process of becoming. We are always changing, we grow older, our moods change, our views change, our perceptions change, our emotional complexities all change, by the hour, by the minute – in a split second. Striving for perfection is fraught and will only bring grievous disappointment, great stress and frustration.

Many, particularly those of a competitive disposition, strive unceasingly for perfection – to be the best. There will always be someone, however, with better ideas and capabilities. Anyway, what is perfection? Your understanding of perfection will be different from mine. The trouble with seeking perfection is that, at least in the first instance, it is always concerned with external appearances, never the substance. We get fooled by what we see – it looks perfect so it must be perfect. Life will be ‘perfect’ if only we had this, or that. We feel that the more we possess the better people we are and the happier we will be. This just does not work. It never has and it never will.

We need to look to ourselves, therefore, not for perfection, but for completeness. Completeness is a state which will be reached only when we each try to be more of a human ‘being’ rather than a human ‘doer’. We all seem to know what constitutes the attributes of a ‘good’ person, a good human being. Such a person would try to be kind, considerate, compassionate, honest, truthful, courageous, generous of spirit, temperate in their desires and be humble. Such a person would always treat others as they would like to be treated. Such a person would be aware of their own limitations; be prepared to face their faults head on; be prepared to take full responsibility for their actions; be aware of the lasting effect the things they do and say, will have on others. Such a person would be guided by moral imperatives.

It is easier to strive to be ‘complete’ rather than ‘perfect’.

Any change must come from a deep desire to change. This desire must spring from a (sometimes subconscious) acknowledgement that what we see or understand about ourselves no longer serves our idea of what we would choose to become. It may be difficult to accept, but it is not possible to grasp at some "self improvement" idea and apply it externally like an ointment, and expect to get ‘better’. Many of us will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing our own being, and have little faith that anything useful could ever come out of our own beings, because we are not ‘perfect’.

There is no easy way to find out who you are – no ‘ten easy steps’, no quick fix. It will take patience, and an inner conviction that change, from what we are now, to something else that we choose, is necessary.

The first thing to remember is that for there to be balance and harmony in our lives we need to be balanced and harmonious within ourselves; with who we are – remember we are the most important person in our lives. Harmony and balance means that we each understand our place in the world, that we are part of humanity, that we are not better (or worse), or more important, than anyone else. That each of us has our place and our contribution to make in the great scheme of things. Finding this balance, establishing harmony is a never ending process. It is a journey of discovery and the most important that we will ever undertake.

It is our choice. We have control of our lives. Circumstances can get us down; can weaken our resolve, but our spirit will shine through all adversity:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley