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Keeping the Love Alive: Selfing, the Cure for Resentment (Part 2 of 2)
Written by: Paul and Layne CutrightArticle Overview: When your world is filled with many wonderful opportunities, it can feel difficult if you feel you must choose between them, and it's equally rough if you have a hard time saying no to people. Yet saying yes to everything can lead to both over-commitment and resentment, which can erode your relationships, whether at work or home or in your community.
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Keeping the Love Alive: Selfing, the Cure for Resentment (Part 2 of 2)
When your world is filled with many wonderful opportunities, it can feel difficult if you feel you must choose between them, and it's equally rough if you have a hard time saying no to people. Yet saying yes to everything can lead to both over-commitment and resentment, which can erode your relationships, whether at work or home or in your community.
Many people feel the symptoms of this without realizing what, exactly, is going on. See if you recognize yourself in any of these symptoms:
- feeling conflicted in what you "should" do versus what you "want" to do
- feeling exhausted
- feeling guilty because you are afraid you are letting others down
- not having enough time
- feeling resentful
- feeling as if the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders
The solution is something we call "selfing," neither selfish nor selfless, but the perfect balance between the two. Selfing is the skill of being true to yourself and making commitments to others only when it does not involve sacrifice. (In this context, sacrifice means doing something you don't want to do because you fear what might happen if you don't. For more on this, see part 1 of this article series.)
Needing to accommodate others' desires and curry their favor at your own expense can be a cruel master; living your life according to other people's terms of success is no kind of life--or success--at all. Take your life back and recommit it to the people and activities that bring you the most peace, happiness and long-term satisfaction. Here's how you can start today:
- Make a list of the relationships and activities that bring you the most peace, satisfaction and a sense of deep meaning in your life. Be sure to include time for regenerating and inspiring yourself.
- Make note of how much time you spend in those activities or honoring and nurturing those relationships. Does it seem that you aren't giving enough to these areas?
- Create the time to honor your priorities. Perhaps you'll have to start declining some invitations or scheduling your time better and then sticking to it. Perhaps you may have to set some new boundaries with friends or co-workers.
- Write down the obstacles to re-ordering your life to your true priorities.
- Create a strategy to overcome the obstacles. Get help from a friend or coach if you need it.
- Refuse the efforts of others to manipulate, control or produce guilt in you. Be willing to upset the status quo for a while till things find a new and healthier balance.
- Commit to loving yourself enough to stay on track with this new resolve.
© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright - All rights reserved. You may publish this article in its entirety and with the authors' resource information intact.
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About the Author: Paul and Layne Cutright RSS for Paul and Layne's articles - Visit Paul and Layne's website  Our relationship is very complex and very close. We are best friends, lovers, marriage and business partners, teaching colleagues and creative collaborators. Our life and relationship together has not always been easy or predictable. Frankly, there have been times when we wondered if we were going to make it. But, our love has endured, grown stronger and matured. We have grown up together and we have been true to our original purpose to bring out the best in one another. The relationship we have created is beyond anything we could have imagined back on that fateful day when our souls recognized one another. For us, the experiment has been and continues to be a triumphant success. It would be enough if the love we shared was ours alone to keep, but we have been blessed with abundant opportunities to share the secrets we have discovered with others. We have had the privilege of traveling and teaching all over the world - throughout North America, Japan, Russia, Central America and the Middle East. Now we are fortunate to be able to reach even more people in more places through the power of technology, the Internet and the World Wide Web. We invite you to step onto this path of discovery, personal power and spiritual development with us and hope that what you learn here will serve you in having more of what you truly want, and deserve, in all your relationships. Please visit us at Paul and Layne.com Click here to visit Paul and Layne's website   Radical Personal Responsibility A Path to Lasting Peace and Personal Power Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Keeping the Love Alive Maintaining Good Feelings in Any Kind of Relationship Part 1 of 2 How to Share Power in a Relationship The Five Cs of CoCreation Successful Relationships Creating Agreements That Work |
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