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Fear of Anger - Yours and Others

Guest post by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Article Overview: Does your own and others' anger terrify you? Discover how to move beyond your fear of anger.

Fear of Anger - Yours and Others

Are you terrified of others' anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control?

If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others' anger.

Fear of Others' Anger

I grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.

For years as an adult, I continued to be terrified of anger, as I had no idea how to take care of myself in the face of another's anger. When you don't know how to respond to another's anger, your fight, flight or freeze response gets activated, and for me it was freeze. I would become so frozen that I was unable to say much at all. When I could talk again, I would try to explain, defend, or scurry around trying to please.

Now I'm no longer afraid of others' anger. I still shake inside if the anger is irrational, and now I know the shaking is my inner guidance letting me know that danger is occurring, and I listen carefully to what my inner guidance is telling me.

I'm no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage. If I think the person might open with me, I gently say, "I hear that you are angry and I'd like to understand why you are angry, but it will be much easier for me to hear you if you stop attacking me."

If I'm pretty sure that the person won't open, then I say something like, "This feels hurtful so I'm going to take a walk. Let me know when you are ready to talk without blaming me."

The fact that I can now do one of these two things takes away my fear. My inner child knows that I, as a loving adult, am going to take care of the situation so that she isn't hurt by it as she was as a child.

Fear of Your Anger

Many people who grew up with violence do not want to be anything like their angry parent or caregiver. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will become irrational and hurtful like some of the adults were when they were growing up.

If you have this fear, it is important for you to understand the difference between anger intent on controlling - which comes from an out of control wounded person and is very scary - and anger intent on learning. When your intent is to learn from your anger rather than dump it on someone else in the form of attack and blame, then you embrace your angry feelings as information. Your angry feelings are telling you that there is some way you are not taking care of yourself - some way you are abandoning yourself. When you consistently move into learning from your anger rather than act it out on others, you lose your fear of your anger.

All our emotions are informational, and our anger is no different. When you open to learning from your own anger, and you open to learning with another who is angry or you lovingly disengage, you will heal your fear of anger.

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Article Tags: anger, blaming anger, controlling behavior, fear of anger, feelings as information, Inner Bonding, intent to control, intent to learn, Margaret Paul, relationship help, relationships



Related Forum Posts
Re: Fear of Success - You don't need to fear success. We should embrace it. Fear is define by a man of God as False Evidence Appearing Real. the meaning is what we fear most does'nt come to pass
Other Great Books... - Feel The Fear And Do It AnyWay - Susan Jeffers How To Stop Worrying And Do It Anyway - Dale Carnegie ('What's the worst that could happen - the worst?' Then prepare yourself for that and reality is such a relief!).
Re: What I'm reading this weekend - Oct 8, 2010 - these are great! In particular, I liked "you’re already perfect" and "Smashing through the Black Wall of Fear." That's exciting that there is a new 4-hour book out. I really enjoyed "The 4 hour Workweek."
Re: Franchises in Texas... - [quote="RussellWebb":1kwhwvtt]Hi GT - I'm just fed up with the hand wringing fear-mongers. Yes, let's all do our share to reduce our impact on the global warming issues, yet at the same time we need to hear both sides of the story... then make educated decisions.[/quote:1kwhwvtt] Hi Russell, But don't you think society would fall apart without "fear" acting as a control? Fear is what keeps people in check (e.g. if you commit a crime you go to jail or even get shot by the authorities in some countries).
What keeps you from just doing it? - I think many people have limiting beliefs that keep them from following through on their ideas. Fear is certainly a factor, but even more limiting is the belief that it's too good to be true. Many people don't believe it is as simple as they dream it could be. And yet, some people have done exactly that and made millions. Our world has taught us that you have to work really hard to get money and that it's only for a few. What belief do YOU have about money? Is it keeping you from taking that leap on following through with a great business idea? I used to check in with money possibilities before I made a decision. Now I decide what I want to do and then figure out how to use money as a partner to get what I want. It's so freeing to not make decisions based around money fears... even if the funds aren't even there to follow through with it yet. I feel like I've finally stumbled on a secret. I'm not a millionaire yet, but I can tell you things are certainly going in a positive direction! What's your experience? What keeps you from just following through on your entrepreneurial idea?


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