Tweet

The Art of Listening

Written by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Article Overview: Really listening to someone and caring about their feelings is a great gift, but it is important to understand when listening is appropriate and when it is not.

The Art of Listening

In 1974, Dr. Virginia Satir presented the concept of mirroring in her groundbreaking book, "Conjoint Family Therapy."

In 1975 Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote a best-selling book called "Parent Effectiveness Training." In the book he taught parents to "active listen," which means to reflect back to the speaker the feelings and information they are trying to convey.

Mirroring, or active listening, is a powerful tool, but whether or not it works depends upon your intent.

If you are active listening to another with an agenda to get them to see what they are doing wrong, or to get them to listen to you after you listen to them, then your intent in listening is to control. The person you are listening to can easily pick up the energy of control and will get angry or go into resistance. Listening with the intention to control backfires and just creates confusion in communication.

However, active listening from a true desire to understand another's feelings and point of view can be magical. When you listen to learn and understand, rather than to control, you give the other person a great gift.

We all want to be heard and understood. While it is our responsibility to hear and understand ourselves - our own feelings and needs - and take loving action for ourselves, it also feels wonderful when someone we care about hears and understands us. This is the basis of emotional intimacy.

When I work with couples, I teach them that there are only two healthy ways of dealing with conflict:

1. Move into an intent to learn

2. Speak your truth and lovingly disengage

Moving Into an Intent to Learn

When you really desire to understand another, you move into an intent to learn - both about yourself and about them. Actively listening to the other is a major aspect of learning. When you really want to deeply know another, you listen carefully and mirror back to them what you hear them saying and feeling. It is not a matter of agreeing with them, but of understanding them. It is not about changing them or changing yourself, but about really hearing them and attempting to see the world through their eyes - understanding the good reasons they have for feeling and behaving as they do.

For example:

Your partner: "I'm still angry at you for being late and not calling me when you know I worry about you."

You: "I hear you saying that it's really unsetting to you when I don’t call when I'm going to be late. You feel I don't care about the fact that you worry."

Your partner: "Right. If you really cared about me, you wouldn't want me to worry."

You: "I understand. It hurts your heart when you know that I know you worry and I don't seem to care about that."

Partner: "Yes, that's exactly right. So if you understand this, are you going to start to call me when you are late?"

You: It sounds like you believe that if I understand you, then I will change - that I have no good reasons for not calling, is that right?

This dialogue can go on until it feels complete to both of you.

Your partner may or may not want to hear why you were late without calling, and you need to let go of getting him or her to hear you. That's the hard part!

Speaking Your Truth and Lovingly Disengaging

There are times when, even if you are open to learning and really want to understand another, the other is just intent on attacking and blaming you. When this is the case, you might want to speak your truth and lovingly disengage. This looks like saying something like: "I'd love to talk with you about this when you stop being angry," and then walking away, keeping your heart open. This means that you are not withdrawing in anger or blame. You are staying in compassion for yourself and the other person so that when he or she opens, you have no residue because you have taken full responsibility for yourself.

Once the other person is no longer angry and blaming, you might want to again open to learning and active listening to them - with no agenda that he or she listens to you. True listening is an act of giving with no expectation of anything in return. It is a kind and loving way to interact with someone you care about. It is a great gift.

Related Articles
  The Art of Heart-Listening
  LISTENING SKILLS IN COACHING
  Parents Can Accelerate their Children's Ability to Learn
  LEADERSHIP: ART & SKILL OF LISTENING
  Improve Your Active Listening Skills

Article Tags: active listening, best selling book, confusion, couples, dealing with conflict, dr thomas gordon, emotional intimacy, feelings, groundbreaking book, intention, loving action, parent effectiveness training, parents, point of view, resistance, true desire, truth, virginia satir



Related Forum Posts
Re: How do I find a direct mail list of potential customers - Hi WhyNot, Is it possible there are websites about the Federal Government. It needs to delve into it to find the key person. Listening for once to the news could pinpoint who is really in charge of this department. I wish you wisdom to connect with the right people. Nothing is too difficult, if you put your mind to it. Maybe some one else has a supportive idea.
Re: How to Get Over Your Fear of Failure, Make Every Second Coun - Hi Evan, I've just been listening to a couple of your MTM videos while packing parcels. I especially enjoyed this one on JKR. Listening to stuff like this while packing orders is one of my better ways of "making every second count!"
Ideas on Using Twitter for Business - 1. Build an account and immediate start using Twitter Search to listen for your name, your competitor's names, words that relate to your space. (Listening always comes first.) 2. Add a picture. ( Shel reminds us of this.) We want to see you. 3. Talk to people about THEIR interests, too. I know this doesn't sell more widgets, but it shows us you are human. 4. Point out interesting things in your space, not just about you. 5. Share links to neat things in your community. ( wholefoods does this well). 6. Don't get stuck in the apology loop. Be helpful instead. ( jetblue gives travel tips.) 7. Be wary of always pimping your stuff. Your fans will love it. Others will tune out. 8. Promote your employees outside-of-work stories. ( TheHomeDepot does it well.) 9. Throw in a few humans, like RichardAtDELL, LionelAtDELL, etc. 10. Talk about non-business,
Re: Ideas on Using Twitter for Business - [quote="evieparsons":2o69rd2a]1. Build an account and immediate start using Twitter Search to listen for your name, your competitor's names, words that relate to your space. (Listening always comes first.) 2. Add a picture. ( Shel reminds us of this.) We want to see you. 3. Talk to people about THEIR interests, too. I know this doesn't sell more widgets, but it shows us you are human. 4. Point out interesting things in your space, not just about you. 5. Share links to neat things in your community. ( wholefoods does this well). 6. Don't get stuck in the apology loop. Be helpful instead. ( jetblue gives travel tips.) 7. Be wary of always pimping your stuff. Your fans will love it. Others will tune out. 8. Promote your employees outside-of-work stories. ( TheHomeDepot does it well.) 9. Throw in a few humans, like RichardAtDELL, LionelAtDELL, etc. 10. Talk about non-business,[/quote:2o69rd2a] Hey thanks for these tips. Basically, help others in your market out and build relationships with people. Be someone who gives, not takes. I'll keep them in mind if I go back to social media marketing. I'm currently in the SEO phase of my business.


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Tweet

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

Executives and Elevators Perfecting That Pitch

How to Improve Your Time Management

Selling What Sizzles vs. Delivering Real Value

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.