Major Stressors - Number 1

Stressor 1. The Approval Trap                                                        

A while back Bono was in the international media as he worked tirelessly to get some movement on African Aid. In the Bono article summarised on the screen, Bono states I wanted Dad to say he loved me. Great performers are supposed to play to the back of the hall. But really driven performers, I think you'll find are playing to one person. It might be a lover. But it might be your father. In the article he relates the story the first time his dad came to America he writes,' I organised the lighting people to put a spotlight on him during the encore. I said, 'This is the man who gave me my voice. This is Bob Hewson! The light came on, 20,000 Texans hooting at him, and he stood up and he just waved a fist at me!. After the show, I heard these footsteps behind me, and I looked round and it was my dad. His eyes were watering, and I thought, 'This is it. This is a moment I've waited  all my life for. My father was going to tell me that he loved me. He walked up, put his hand out, a little shaky, a little unsteady - he'd had a few drinks - looked me in the eye and he said, 'Son you're very professional''

One writer calls it "the Father wound". It's in people driven by the approval trap to perform because that was the only way they 'earned' approval from their fathers and many even then, never got it. These are four year olds in adult bodies. There are some in this room tonight.

If I ask you what is your most painful memory unless you have lost a spouse or a child almost certainly it will be a memory or memories of when your Dad failed you, rejected you or the fact that in your perception, you could simply never please him. Most commonly many of us had fathers even great dads who simply could not say the words 'I love you' .

Those of you with a faith, has it never impacted you to think that even the Carpenter needed to hear these words, 'This is the son that I love'. Every human being ever created needs love & approval and when it's not there -the approval trap kicks in and it keeps us in a prison of relentless pursuit for that approval.  And that produces stress.