Tweet

Tha Approval Trap Solution

Written by: David Oliver

Article Overview: If the approval trap is major stressor number 1 what can we do about it. Oliver shows us exactly what. READ ON

Tha Approval Trap Solution

Some years ago executives of a greeting card company decided to do something special for Mother's day. They set up a table in a federal prison, inviting any inmate who so desired to send a card to his mum. The lines were so long, they had to make a trip to another factory to get more cards. Due to the success of the event, they decided to do the same thing on Father's day but this time not one prisoner came. (Bringing up the Boys page 60)

So the penny drops. Maybe for some of us tonight the light can go on. This stressful drive in me to perform, to achieve, to succeed, to work and to try and earn the love or approval I never got from my dad, will simply not cut the mustard! And will unleash colossal tsunamis of stress on us.

So what can we do because if you and I are driven by the approval trap it's a restlessness in us that on some days may feel productive but on other days it will eat at you, gnaw at you and deceive you into thinking that restless volumes of activity are scratching what feels like an eternal itch. Actually there's another way We can make a small but practical start. Slide 13

One starting point is to sit down one evening and write down every way in which your father failed you, hurt you, damaged you and let you down. Gill and I have done this ourselves and done it with scores of others. Write it down as a debt he owes you, like an accounting column DEBT. Whether he is alive or dead makes no difference to this little exercise. Now we can release one of the most amazing and powerful life-changing forces that will ever be our privilege to wield, we are going to forgive him.

You say but wait a minute, he really did damage me and effect me, and he was never sorry. He never did say well done or I love you. I could never please him. A common response is 'Why should I forgive?' He's still not said sorry, for some it may even be that the damage is still being done. So why should I forgive? The best answer I can give you is because you can. And because it's good for us. Why let the past continue to stress us now?

Forgiveness is not weak, it's not woolly it's tough very tough for some. But it also real power because you stop them having any further hold or torment in your life. Forgiveness does not brush it under the carpet, it means you face up to the reality - they do owe you. It was your right you should have been able to expect unconditional love and he should have expressed that to you and there is a real debt there. But you and I are going to cancel that debt tonight. Forgiveness can be massively tough for some but the alternative - unforgiveness has an even tougher toll on our lives through stress and distress.

On our little sheet of paper we write debt cancelled and we cross it through and then if you want set fire to it.

The word forgiveness simply means let it go. It's like blowing up a balloon, when it's blown up it seems so big doesn't it Then we simply release it, we let it go.

Related Articles
  Major Stressors - Number 1
  And Why Don't YOU Use Video?
  Healing the Need for Others' Approval
  Make More Sales By Avoiding The Product Trap
  ARE YOU WATCHING OUT FOR THE SOLUTION TRAP?

Article Tags: accounting, cards, dad, exercise, federal prison, greeting card company, love, mustard, nbsp nbsp nbsp nbsp nbsp, restlessness, stress, tsunamis



Related Forum Posts
Boosting Confidence - Wow! There has been so much response, it's hard to know where to start responding... I goes to show that confidence is a hot topic! If you’ve ever heard of “Executive’s Disease”, you’ve heard that even the most successful people in business have moments where they feel stressed over something that needs to be done. It sounds so much nicer to call it stress, but stress is strongly linked to FEAR on some level or another. [u:16vd1x1j]We’re all human after all. [/u:16vd1x1j] (Perhaps this is why executives have much higher rates of heart disease. They appear to be 100% confident to everyone else, but they still feel it on some level inside.) Jude, thanks for sharing your journey to great confidence. I can relate to your dog story, by the way. I’m the person my neighbors and friends call when they have a pet problem. When I was working with the Pet Rescue Group, someone called me the Cat Whisperer! :0) I also believe that confidence is tied to self worth and competence. Boosting our self esteem and gaining confidence through experience really does help. The question is, what does a person do to boost her confidence when she comes up against those times where she’s facing big issues that are new to her? For example, if you were going to be on Oprah with millions of people watching you for the very first time, what would you tell yourself to chase away the butterflies that might set in? In a perfect world, we would all be walking around stress free and not have any doubts or fears. However, life is full of challenges, especially as entrepreneurs forging new paths. The key is in finding ways to really boost our courage to forge on when the going gets tricky and unfamiliar. Yes, I believe when we have a strong purpose behind what we do, it gives us confidence to move forward in spite of any misgivings or naysayers. When we add passion to that purpose, we seem unstoppable! It also boosts our confidence to surround ourselves with people who support us in our journey. Of course, we believe we can create a great life and business. They just give us the added benefit when they cheer us on. We are social creatures, after all. I can do well on my own, but I have a coach and am part of a mentor group because I find I accomplish even more with a strong support system. (Coaching isn’t about weakness, it’s about doing everything I can to reach my potential in the best possible way.) Support systems certainly help to keep the scales balanced when we find ourselves around people who don’t understand our vision. We need to lay down very strong boundaries for the people who are not supportive. That’s a whole other discussion. One of our weapons is keeping ourselves convinced of our plan and our purpose, even if someone else is threatened by our success (or plans for success). Sometimes, we can be tempted to make ourselves small around those we love so that it doesn’t cause discord. When we do that, we jeopardize our own integrity and undermine our confidence. This is your life to live and your business to run. It is you who must hold the reigns and you who must succeed at your own life. Let them succeed at their own life. Having said this, I think we must at least examine what they challenge us with to see if there is any truth in what they are saying. The key is in finding out the truth [u:16vd1x1j]before you let it in[/u:16vd1x1j]. Otherwise, something that is simply not true (and may be THEIR issue) could throw you off track. If it is true, you can make the necessary changes and perhaps avoid some huge pitfalls down the road. Beat mentioned the books, Approval Addiction and Battlefield of the Mind. I’ve read quite a bit of them and it’s little wonder they are best sellers because of their subject matter. I’ve heard many people comment on the titles themselves. There’s the old saying, “If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you can’t.” There’s even a scripture verse on it for those of you who’ve brought that aspect into this thread: “Everything is possible for him who believes.” (Mark 9:23) No wonder true success comes from the inside out. OK, it’s time to stop. I feel like I’ve written a book here! Warm regards, Tami


Share this article with your friends. Fund someone's dream.

Leave a comment below or share on the left and you'll help support entrepreneurs in Africa through our partnership with Kiva. Over $50,000 raised and counting - Please keep sharing! Learn more.

Tweet

Newsletter

Get advice & tips from famous business
owners, new articles by entrepreneur
experts, my latest website updates, &
special sneak peaks at what's to come!

Name:
Email:

Popular Articles

Top 5 Tips for Better Online Ads

Civility in the Workplace---Is it Decreasing?

Bootstrapping Your Start Up Business.

Suggestions

Email us your ideas on how to make our
website more valuable! Thank you Sharon
from Toronto Salsa Lessons / Classes for
your suggestions to make the newsletter
look like the website and profile younger
entrepreneurs like Jennifer Lopez.