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Elder Care: When To Talk With Your Aging Parents

Guest post by: Barbara E. Friesner

Article Overview: One of the questions I am asked most often is when is the best time to talk about difficult subjects with Mom & Dad - especially if everyone is fine and there's no immediate need.

Elder Care: When To Talk With Your Aging Parents

One of the questions I am asked most often is when is the best time to talk about difficult subjects with Mom & Dad - especially if everyone is fine and there's no immediate need.

The answer I always give is, regardless of the need, the earlier the better! Emphasize that the reason you are bringing up the subject is because of your love and concern. Stress that you know s/he's fine but that you worry and would love to get an early start on helping with (the issue). Then offer to work together to research the options.

But be aware that, even if you start early, it may not resolve the issue as the following question illustrates:

"We had a family meeting with my parents and wanted them to help us determine what facility they would like to go to when the time comes. We wanted them to have a choice as to where, amenities and all that. They refuse to participate. We are not looking to do anything until we absolutely have to, but wanted them to be part of the decision making ahead of time. We have told them over and over again, that we want them living at home as long as they can. But it does not seem that we can reassure them. What can we do?"

Here's a family that did all the right things: they started early, the sibs were working together, they had their parent's best interest in mind, they wanted to include their parents, etc. but it didn't work. What went wrong?

Well, perhaps this comment helps to answer that question best . . .

"I am one of the "aging loved ones" and what challenges me the most is having to deal with preconceived notions about what some of my children think I want, when it is really what THEY want. When I tell them what I really want, I can appear creaky, cranky and unreasonable."

The real question is not just when to bring up a difficult subject (again, the earlier the better) but more importantly, where in process to include your aging loved one.

The answer is, you will have a much better chance of being successful if you include your parents at the very beginning of the discussion - before you've made up your mind about the solution. As long as your parent(s) are in good mental and physical condition and are capable of making decisions, they have the right to make their own decisions. So better to open the door, express your concern and desire to help, go slowly, and leave the door open for continued discussion.

A few other things to keep in mind:

1) Be careful not to present the topic in a way that implies "this is what we've decided you're going to do - just pick one." To avoid being misunderstood, better to start with something like "have you thought about where you want to live if or when you're no longer to live here" or "I know you are fine but I worry about you and wonder if you've ever look at emergency response options."

2) There's nothing wrong with talking with your sibs first and agreeing on talking with your parents but it is important your parents don't feel as if they're being "ganged up" on.

3) It's important to express your concern and try to get them to be proactive, too, but there are no guarantees that your parents will join you in the conversation. Even if they are not eager to make decisions (yet!), it is better to talk than not to talk. If nothing more comes of it than clarifying each other's wishes and concerns, it will have been worth it

4) Be flexible and keep an open mind. 99% of the time, there is no single "right" answer Often the solution is somewhere in the middle and your elderly parent will be more likely to accept it and your participation when they have had input and see that you are willing to listen and keep an open mind.

5) Finally, now they know you're concerned and it may start them thinking. Unless the issue has to be resolved now, if you start early and remain patient, you can always try again later. Don't try to resolve the entire issue all at once. Start early; do a little at a time, allow them time to accept that there may be a need and that you are only there to HELP.

Barbara Friesner

AgeWiseLiving LLC

Eldercare Issues Resolved by Choice, Not Crisis

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Article Tags: aging parents, caregiving, communication, conversationbest time, crisis, elder care, eldercare, mom dad



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