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Guest post by: Barbara E. Friesner Become an Author

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Family members get so frustrated that their aging parents or their siblings are in denial. "How can they not see it?" Some people think those in denial don't see the situation clearly because they don't want to. I don't think that's it. I think that denial is a subconscious protection -- that denial is all about fear. You fear of the dentist so you deny a tooth ache until becomes a root canal. You fear that the lump in your breast could possibly be serious so denying that you really feel it. Many years ago I heard a grinding sound in my car whenever I put on the brakes. At the time I was totally broke. I was in denial that there really was a problem until weeks later - fortunately before an accident -- when what would have been $15 brake pads became $150 brake shoes!

When you look at denial as fear, you can certainly appreciate why your parent might be in denial. Fear of losing their independence. Fear of losing their health. Fear of losing their memory. And you can appreciate why your sibling might be too. Fear of running out of time with their parents. Fear of the responsibility. Fear of not doing or saying everything they wanted to do or say.

According to the thesaurus, synonyms for denial are defiance, rejection, refusal. I don't think these words accurately define people who are in denial. Denial isn't about defiance, rejection or refusal as much as it is a need for help.

So how do you help your parent get past the denial?

1st: It requires your compassion and understanding that they are not in denial because they're a bad person or neglectful or even mindless or silly. Keep reminding yourself 'denial = fear'.

2nd: You also need to be gentle with them. Think carefully about how to present your concern.

3rd: When you talk with them, rather than giving a "diagnosis" (for example "I think you are starting to get dementia"), first express your concern and then describe the situation or behavior that has you concerned. For example: I notice you've missed 3 doctor appointments, you're wearing the same clothes and they're pretty dirty, and you still have pills left over at the end of the week." In other words - just the facts, ma'am!

4th: Then make suggestions on how they can check it out. For example: I'm concerned that there may be some environmental issues that are affecting you. I would like to check the house for mold or carbon monoxide. It could also be a health issue such as a urinary tract infection. That could make you more forgetful than usual."

5th: Then ask a question about the suggestion. For example: "When was the last time you changed the battery in the carbon monoxide alarm?" or "When was the last time you had a full physical?" It's entirely possible that your parent knows they're becoming more forgetful. The more fearful someone gets, the more forgetful s/he is likely to be. The more forgetful, the more fearful. The more fearful, the more denial. Asking questions about possible other causes pulls them away from the emotion and into their head. Present it to them that their forgetfulness could very well be something that can be resolved. (Which is possible!)

6th: Don't argue. If your parent gets upset, you don't have to go there with them. Restate your concern and your desire to see if it's something that can be easily resolved. Stay with facts and solutions.

7th: Do an environmental check and the health check.

How do you help your siblings get past the denial?

1st: Consider the possibility that maybe they really don't know there's an issue. It's easy to say "How could he not see?" but if they're only connection is by phone or occasional visits, maybe they haven't connected the dots. (In social situations, people with dementia are very good at hiding their confusion.)

2nd: Your sibs also need your compassion and understanding that they're not in denial because they're a terrible person or neglectful either. Again, remember denial = fear.

3rd: As with your parent, be gentle with them. Think carefully about how to present your concern.

4th: Rather than giving a "diagnosis" ("I think Dad has dementia"), first express your concern and then describe the situation or behavior that has you concerned. For example: I'm concerned because Dad has missed 3 doctor appointments, he's wearing the same clothes and they're pretty dirty, and even though I put his pills in the daily boxes, he has pills left over at the end of the week." Again - just the facts, ma'am!

5th: Ask if your sibling has noticed anything unusual -- anything s/he thought was a little odd or quirky.

6th: If they have noticed something, tell them the actions you are taking (an environmental and health check-up) and ask them to actively support those actions when they talk with Dad.

7th: If they have not noticed anything, ask them to listen/look for anything unusual the next time they call or visit. Also tell them the actions you are taking "just to be sure it's not an environmental or health issue".

Remember that denial is not a conscious action but rather an emotional response to fear. People in denial need your compassion and helping them is going to take patience and understanding. Once you help them through their denial, however, you can help them resolve the issues that cause their fears.

If you're struggling to help your aging loved one, I urge you not to wait for a crisis to develop. Please contact me for a complimentary "get acquainted" conversation. I'm here to help!

Barbara Friesner

Generational Coach

AgeWiseLiving

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