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Elder Caregiving: Oy, The Guilt Already!

Written by: Barbara E. Friesner

Article Overview: Are you giving everything you've got and then some to be a caregiver for an aging loved one and still feeling guilty that you're not doing more? If so, welcome to the club!! Not a club you want to be a member of? Then here are some suggestions that will help you out.

Elder Caregiving: Oy, The Guilt Already!

Are you a caregiver for an aging loved one and still feeling guilty that you're not doing more? If so, welcome to the club!! Not a club you want to be a member of? Then here are some suggestions that will help you out. Are you feeling guilty because you don't think you're doing enough?

Then start by defining "enough". Is once a week enough? Once a day? Every moment you aren't doing something for everyone else? Step back and determine what you personally can reasonably do. For example: "I can visit Mom every other week or 2 times a month."

Then, if Mom needs someone to visit more than that, figure out who can make the additional visits. Remember, caring for your aging loved one doesn't mean you have to be the one doing the actual caregiving. It can mean that you arrange for care to be provided. Perhaps it can be one or more of your siblings or it might be outside help. Set limits that work for you, get agreement from those involved, and then stick to the plan. This way, if you visit the two times you agreed to, you can be guilt-free the rest of the month.

Are you feeling guilty because you're comparing what you're doing with what others are doing?

OK -- maybe you're not doing what you see others do. But for every person you're doing "less than" there is at least one person that you're doing "more than." Other people's lives and circumstances are different. You don't know their story so it's counterproductive to compare yourself to only the part you see.

Ask yourself if the time you're putting in is quality time. Does your time and attention provide what you want and need to provide? If so, then pat yourself on the back for what you're doing. You deserve it!

Are you feeling guilty because you are not doing what you "should"?

First define "should." I mean. . . who says you "should" anyway? Well . . . just about everyone actually!! Parents with their generational expectations (especially of their daughters); siblings (better you than me, sis!!); and all the generations of cultural, religious, and societal expectations. And the media just reinforces the "should's" with a constant bombardment of pictures of smiling parents with their smiling adult children doing just fine, thank you very much!

"Should's" come from all the expectations we grew up with and see around us. Some "should's" are true, like eating right and exercising. But how about all that other stuff you "should" do, like how often you should visit your father or how often you should call your mother or that you should put everyone else's needs before your own.

To counter this one, start listening to your own "self-talk." Hear how often you hear yourself say you're doing something because you want to versus you're doing it because you should. Then make a conscious decision to evaluate and ideally, delete the "should" activities. As someone told me once -- don't "should" on yourself!

I hope this helps alleviate some of your guilt and gets you out of the "guilt club." If it doesn't? I will feel totally guilty!!!

Barbara Friesner

AgeWiseLiving LLC

Eldercare Issues Resolved by Choice, Not Crisis

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Article Tags: aging parents, caregiver, dad, dementia, elder caregiving, guilt, mom, oy, stress, welcome to the club



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