I've always been a big postcard sender and this
vacation was no exception! Watching me write the cards, one of
the friends with whom I was traveling, a woman in her 80's, mentioned
how sad it is that she's lost contact with many of her friends
over the past several years. She said she doesn't know if her
friends are sick, have passed away, or moved, and she doesn't
know how to find out.
Two of the most common reasons she hasn't heard from them are 1) physical or cognitive issues have made it impossible for her friends to communicate; and 2) her friends moved and forget to tell anyone; told only their closest friends and forgot to tell their "extended" friends such as people on their holiday card list; or was unhappy about the move and wasn't ready to tell anyone. Unfortunately, when they do want to communicate, often the contact information is lost.
It's easier now to locate old friends through the internet but that's not always possible, especially if the friend has moved into a senior community or nursing home and no longer has an address or phone in their own name. If your aging parent is about to make a move, you can help them avoid losing contact by placing the address book and/or holiday card list with other important papers and moving those separately.
Ideally, after the move, your elderly parent can and will contact their friends on their own. If not, however, you may want to do it for them. With so much to think about when helping an aging parent make a move, this may not seem all that important. However, the support of friends can be critical to making the transition easier for your elderly parent, thus making it easier for the family as well. This is true both in the short and the long term.
I had a friend with whom I worked over 30 years ago. Over the years, our correspondence had settled into annual holiday letters. Several years ago, I received a holiday letter - not from my friend but from her niece. She reported that her aunt had suffered a stroke and was now living with her in Texas. She also said that, while her aunt could no longer write herself, she was mentally alert and would love to hear from friends. I sent cards every 3-4 months and received brief updates from her niece about twice a year. Then, several months ago, I received a final group update telling of my friend's passing, adding how much our cards had meant to her aunt.
Contacting your aging parent's friends doesn't have to be time consuming. It can be anything from sending out "new address" postcards to sending out one or more updates a year, such as when there are major changes or at the holidays to setting up a website. Nor do the updates have to be individualized. For example, you can send a letter to your aging parent's social group such as their Rotary Club, their church/synagogue or the senior center and ask that it be posted.
I was pleased how much my cards meant to my friend. I often think about how much her niece's updates meant to me.
Barbara Friesner
AgeWiseLiving LLC
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