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Talking With Your Aging Parents About Planning For the Future
Written by: Barbara E. FriesnerArticle Overview: Have you tried to get your elderly parent(s) to discuss their legal documents only to get the response "Don't worry, I'm leaving everything to you." - or you can't get them to talk at all? If so, you're not alone!
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Free Download - Elder Caregiving: How to Help Family Members with Denial By Barbara E. Friesner |
Talking With Your Aging Parents About Planning For the Future
Have you tried to get your elderly parent(s) to discuss their legal documents only to get the response "Don't worry, I'm leaving everything to you." - or you can't get them to talk at all? If so, you're not alone!
Why is this so common? Probably because, when approaching aging parents about their legal documents, most people immediately think money and start by asking about their Will.
Since a Will determines how assets will be passed along at death, when you start there - especially with members of the Depression-Era Generation - they are likely to misinterpret your concern and think you're only interested in their money. Since for many of them discussing money or death is difficult or taboo, they simply shut down.
So a more productive way to start the "dreaded discussion" - and show your genuine concern - is to begin with a non-financial issue that affects them while they're alive - their health care documents. The name of these documents differ from state to state, but in New York State, they're called a Living Will and a Health Care Proxy - or collectively, Advance Directives. Advance Directives allow people to plan now what health care they would want while they're still alive but unable to communicate their wishes themselves.
To get you started, here are the top 4 most common "myths" and responses from a list I've compiled for my Generational Coaching clients. These responses should help you clarify the issues and reduce the resistance you may encounter.
While I am not a lawyer, I have made every effort to make sure the information is accurate. Thanks to elder law attorney, Natalie J. Kaplan, for her contribution, however; nothing in this article should be construed as legal advice. And, as is so often the case, laws and terminology differ from state to state and each state regulates the use of advance directives differently. so be sure to check this information for your state.
MYTH: If I have a Living Will or Health Care Proxy, I will lose control of my life.
No - in fact these documents allow you to keep control over your life. Through your Living Will and Health Care Proxy (collectively known as Advance Directives) you decide now what health care treatment you do or do not wish to receive when - and only when - you are unable to make decisions yourself.
MYTH: If I can't make decisions for myself, my family will automatically be able to step in.
With the new Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act ("HIPAA") (which became effective a few years ago), doctors, hospitals, and other healthcare providers are prohibited or severely restricted from discussing a patient's health information with others - including spouses and immediate family members - even during a medical crisis. (You may not know the name, but you probably signed a HIPAA form at your doctor's office.) Because HIPAA is so new, it is still being defined. While in some states and/or under some circumstances your family may be able to step in, you are far better served by getting your Advance Directives in place rather than taking the risk and paying the cost of being a test case.
MYTH: The Living Will and the Health Care Proxy are the same thing so I don't need both.
They are alike in that both allow you to make known your wishes as to what health care treatment you do or do not want to receive and neither takes effect until you are unable to make decisions yourself. However, each offers something the other doesn't.
A Health Care Proxy (known in some states as a durable power of attorney for health care, healthcare power of attorney) ensures a more flexible form of decision making. It allows you to appoint someone as your Agent or Personal Representative to be your advocate - to ask questions, look for alternatives, make any and all health care decisions on your behalf - except to the extent you indicate otherwise - and make sure your wishes are carried out.
A Living Will (known in some states as a directive to physicians, health care declaration, medical directive, instruction directive, wishes for terminal illness) is the "instruction manual" for your Health Care Agent and/or others involved with your care. It further reinforces for your Agent and medical staff what care and treatment you do or do not want to receive and can ease the burden of decision making. If your Agent's decisions are challenged, the Living Will can provide evidence that your Agent is acting in good faith and according to your wishes. A Living Will is especially important if you don't have anyone to serve as your Agent or if s/he becomes unavailable or unwilling to serve.
MYTH: I'm too young to need Advance Directives.
A serious accident can happen to anyone at any age so every adult over the age of 18 should have Advance Directives.
I hope this information helps you open the lines of communication for further planning discussions and that it encourages you to create these documents for yourself too!
Barbara Friesner
AgeWiseLiving LLC
Eldercare Issues Resolved by Choice, Not Crisis
Basic Eldercare Realities
How to Begin the Conversation About Estate Planning
How to have financial conversations with your parents
The (Aging) Parent Trap
Elder Caregiving: Oy, The Guilt Already!
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About the Author: Barbara E. Friesner RSS for Barbara E.'s articles - Visit Barbara E.'s website  In addition to her FREE weekly Senior care newsletter filled with tips for taking care of the elderly, Barbara is the Eldercare Expert and writes a monthly senior care guide column for the National Association of Baby Boomer Women. In addition, Barbara has been quoted in newspapers and magazines throughout the US. For over 25 years as a senior care manager, first for her grandmother and for the past 17 years for her mother (with dementia), Barbara learned firsthand how overwhelming, stressful, and time consuming senior care can be. As a result, Barbara started AgeWiseLiving to help others navigate through this challenging time, and avoid the emotional and frustrating task of finding the answers themselves and trial-and-error implementation. Barbara has collaborated with hundreds of family members who are providing senior care, professionals with Senior clients, and employees of Assisted Living communities to help them successfully build relationships and address critical senior care issues. As an adjunct professor at Cornell University, Barbara created and taught "Seniors Housing Management" at the School of Hotel Administration. Prior to starting AgeWiseLiving, Barbara was the Director of Education & Development for Loews Corporation and Dean of Loews University. She received her Master of Business Administration from Boston University. Click here to visit Barbara E.'s website   Elder Caregiving Oy The Guilt Already Finding A New Job While Caregiving Another Eldercare Issue Hoarding Basic Eldercare Realities Caring for Aging Parents How Do I Know the Right Thing to Do |
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- Book: Talking From 9 to 5: How women's and men's conersational styles affect who gets heard, who gets credit, and what gets done at work
Deborah Tannen, PhD
1994
You say something at a meeeting, it is ignored, then someone else says the same thing and everyone embraces it as a marvelous idea. You devote yourself to a project but don't get credit for the results. You work around the clock to avoid a crisis, but your efforts are not recognized because no one notices a crisis that never occurs. YOu give what you think are clear instructions, but the job is not done, or is done wrong. ...
Work is a special world because as we talk to get our jobs done, we are also being evaluated. How we get others to do what we want, and how we accept or avoid responsibility for mistakes, display or challenge authority, reveal or conceal what we don't know -- all affect how we are regarded and rewarded.
TOC
1. Women and Men Talking on the Job
2. "I'm sorry, I'm not apologizing": Conversational rituals
3. "Why don't you say what you mean?" Indirectness at work
4. Marked: Women in the workplace
5. The glass ceiling
6. "She's the boss": Women and authority
7. Talking up close: Status and connection
8. What's sex got to do with it
9. Who gets heard? Talking at meetings
References
Index
Future Financial Corporation
- I've never heard of Future Financial Corporation
is this a new company?
Re: How do you make the most of your day?
- Planning, To Do lists, and deadlines all help me.
Also being self critical of my own time management helps me raise the bar.
I still check email too often though.
Re: Success
- I think it was Gary Player who said the harder I practice the luckier I become when it came to his success as a world class golfer. Planning and dedication to a task can make all the difference between success and failure.
MichelleJ
Re: Quote of the Day - "If you hesitate, some bolder hand will s
- Excellent quote, Evan. This reminds me of the saying, "The early bird catches the worm."
It's important to act on impulses, rather than hesitate and plan. Planning isn't a bad thing and is warranted in certain cases, but those who act quickly will get a step ahead of the competition.
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