Talking With Your Aging Parents About Planning For the Future

Why is this so common? Probably because, when approaching aging parents about their legal documents, most people immediately think money and start by asking about their Will.

Since a Will determines how assets will be passed along at death, when you start there - especially with members of the Depression-Era Generation - they are likely to misinterpret your concern and think you're only interested in their money. Since for many of them discussing money or death is difficult or taboo, they simply shut down.

So a more productive way to start the "dreaded discussion" - and show your genuine concern - is to begin with a non-financial issue that affects them while they're alive - their health care documents. The name of these documents differ from state to state, but in New York State, they're called a Living Will and a Health Care Proxy - or collectively, Advance Directives. Advance Directives allow people to plan now what health care they would want while they're still alive but unable to communicate their wishes themselves.

To get you started, here are the top 4 most common "myths" and responses from a list I've compiled for my Generational Coaching clients. These responses should help you clarify the issues and reduce the resistance you may encounter.

While I am not a lawyer, I have made every effort to make sure the information is accurate. Thanks to elder law attorney, Natalie J. Kaplan, for her contribution, however; nothing in this article should be construed as legal advice. And, as is so often the case, laws and terminology differ from state to state and each state regulates the use of advance directives differently. so be sure to check this information for your state.

MYTH: If I have a Living Will or Health Care Proxy, I will lose control of my life.

No - in fact these documents allow you to keep control over your life. Through your Living Will and Health Care Proxy (collectively known as Advance Directives) you decide now what health care treatment you do or do not wish to receive when - and only when - you are unable to make decisions yourself.

MYTH: If I can't make decisions for myself, my family will automatically be able to step in.

With the new Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act ("HIPAA") (which became effective a few years ago), doctors, hospitals, and other healthcare providers are prohibited or severely restricted from discussing a patient's health information with others - including spouses and immediate family members - even during a medical crisis. (You may not know the name, but you probably signed a HIPAA form at your doctor's office.) Because HIPAA is so new, it is still being defined. While in some states and/or under some circumstances your family may be able to step in, you are far better served by getting your Advance Directives in place rather than taking the risk and paying the cost of being a test case.

MYTH: The Living Will and the Health Care Proxy are the same thing so I don't need both.

They are alike in that both allow you to make known your wishes as to what health care treatment you do or do not want to receive and neither takes effect until you are unable to make decisions yourself. However, each offers something the other doesn't.

A Health Care Proxy (known in some states as a durable power of attorney for health care, healthcare power of attorney) ensures a more flexible form of decision making. It allows you to appoint someone as your Agent or Personal Representative to be your advocate - to ask questions, look for alternatives, make any and all health care decisions on your behalf - except to the extent you indicate otherwise - and make sure your wishes are carried out.

A Living Will (known in some states as a directive to physicians, health care declaration, medical directive, instruction directive, wishes for terminal illness) is the "instruction manual" for your Health Care Agent and/or others involved with your care. It further reinforces for your Agent and medical staff what care and treatment you do or do not want to receive and can ease the burden of decision making. If your Agent's decisions are challenged, the Living Will can provide evidence that your Agent is acting in good faith and according to your wishes. A Living Will is especially important if you don't have anyone to serve as your Agent or if s/he becomes unavailable or unwilling to serve.

MYTH: I'm too young to need Advance Directives.

A serious accident can happen to anyone at any age so every adult over the age of 18 should have Advance Directives.

I hope this information helps you open the lines of communication for further planning discussions and that it encourages you to create these documents for yourself too!