Trash or Treasure: De-cluttering That Preserves The Memories

If you're a family member and you want to help your elderly parent with this task, what do you do? That was the problem a brother and sister in California were facing when they called me.

About 4 years ago, their mother and father had moved from their big family home into a smaller home nearby and easily got rid of about 2/3 of their possessions such as furniture and books. When their father died 2 years later, their mother was enthusiastic about moving into a small apartment in a seniors complex. The house was sold and the siblings agreed to help their mother pack and move. When they arrived with boxes in hand, they were astonished to discover how much "stuff" she had. The son made an offhand comment that, rather than packing boxes, they should have just arranged for a big dumpster. At that point, their mother refused to proceed! With progress at a standstill, and less than a month before the house had to be emptied, the siblings called me.

My first task was to help them understand the significance of all their mother's "stuff" - and how much it meant to her. Once the they understood that often it's not so much about the actual item as it is about the memory and the story that goes with it, and that people will more likely let go of something if they are able to "hand off " the memory, they created a plan. In this case, because time was quickly running out, they decided that the first step should be to help their mother sort and box up everything by generation (eg: everything of their mother and father's together, everything of grandparents together, etc.) and take the boxes to the siblings' houses. Then, after the move, they would bring 1-2 boxes at a time to their mother's new apartment and videotape her stories while she sorted through the boxes.

Then together we "scripted" a series of conversations for the siblings to have with their mother to convey their respect for her treasures and get her excited again about the move. They were thrilled when she eagerly re-engaged, and even made improvements to the plan! Rather than using a video camera, she decided to get a digital camera and tape recorder with the idea to create a scrapbook with pictures and her narrative for her grandchildren.

Some of the items she kept and some she gave to her children. However, once the memory was preserved, she willing disposed of the rest. She threw out quite a lot and the rest was donated to a local school, the nearby library, and a senior center tag sale. And because the move had already been made, they were able to proceed at a leisurely pace.

In this case, time was of the essence and they had to move quickly. Yet they were still able to make the move happen and find the time they needed to preserve the family history. Why wait for a move? This is a process that takes time so why not start saving your family's fortune now. If you don't know how or where to start with your own unique situation, please give me a call and see how Generational Coaching can help you resolve your situation by choice, not crisis.

Barbara Friesner
AgeWiseLiving LLC
Eldercare Issues Solved By Choice, Not Crisis