Two Steps to Helping Your Aging Parents Help Themselves (Step One)

Although there are only 2 steps to this process, it is a process which happens over time, through a series of conversations, each building on the last, by which, rather than you trying to convince them to do what's in their best interest, you help them convince themselves to want to do what's in their best interest - ideally the same thing!

To be successful with step 1 - helping your aging parent(s) determine what they want - it's important to understand where they're coming from generationally, emotionally, and personally.

It's human nature to think that others see things the way we do - especially if you come from the same family. As a result, many family members think they can skip this part only to discover the hard way, that they can't!

Generationally

Generations are usually defined by significant and collective cultural, political, and/or economic life experiences. Our generational experiences create who we fundamentally are. For example, today's seniors are often referred to as the "Depression-era" generation because the Great Depression had such a profound economic and emotional impact on them.

Even today, money (or the lack of it) is rarely far from their minds. Money represents independence, control, safety and security. Having survived the Great Depression, they don't want to lose control over their money and won't take chances with it. They are cautious with their investments, reluctant to buy on credit or use credit cards, and would never put their home at risk. They believe in "waste not/want not" and saving for a rainy day - and that every tomorrow could be rainy!

Today this may translate into such things as a reluctance to consider a reverse mortgage; resistance to moving into a senior's community because it looks "too nice" (read "expensive"); and never throwing anything away - making the thought of moving even more overwhelming!

But if you think of only in terms of the Great Depression, you miss perhaps the most important keys to helping your aging loved ones help themselves. As hard as it may be to imagine, members of the "Depression-era" generation, who are today in their early- to mid-80's, were actually born at the end of the Victorian Era and it was their Victorian upbringing that shaped their core values, beliefs and attitudes. When the Great Depression hit, it didn't replace their Victorian attitudes and values, it added to them - creating what I call "Vicky-D's".

There are many values and attitudes that generally define Vicky-D's as a group but the most significant ones for our purposes are:

"Traditional" Female/Male Roles Defined Them

The Victorian Era was a time of very strictly defined and very "traditional" female/male roles. The women were homemakers and mothers, the care providers. The family and home was their domain and their identity. The men were the breadwinners and professionals; providing for the family and managing the money was their identity.

As a result, today most Vicky-D women will be relieved to hand over the finances, but will resist having someone in their home to cook or clean, will fiercely resist moving, and will generally have a harder time settling in when they do move. Conversely, Vicky-D men may be less resistant to moving, but most will strongly resist giving up financial control.

Traditional Roles Set Up Family Expectations

Vicky-D's are very proud and may not ask for help or admit they need it when offered. In times of need, they will simply expect their daughters (and daughters-in-law) to take care of them. Problems arise not because daughters aren't willing to help (never mind the fact that they have their own family and jobs) but because they are rarely asked for their help and their efforts are seldom acknowledged (it's what they're "supposed" to do). When there are "business" decisions to be made, however, Vicky-D's, both men and women, will turn to their sons. The unfortunate result is often tension and/or resentment of their parents and/or between the siblings.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Vicky-D's were raised never to talk about personal things (especially money or health) with anyone, and "anyone" includes professionals as well as their own children, and not to question authority (especially professionals like doctors). As a result, Vicky-D's may not provide "personal" information, won't ask questions, and may be embarrassed by their children who to talk openly and freely about very personal things and rarely hesitate to challenge authority. Ultimately, if the situation confuses, scares, or embarrasses them - they just won't do it! And if they believe you're challenging authority, they may oppose you.

HOWEVER, while these generational attitudes and values apply to most Vicky-D's, it's important to keep in mind that what applies to most does not necessarily apply to all. Other factors such as region of country, economic status, your loved one's birth order and unique personality can mitigate generational impact. So, to be successful, the next step is to find out about your Vicky-D's and where they're coming from personally.

A "Step 1 Assignment"

Talk with your Vicky-D's and ask about their generational experiences. For example: what their home life was like; what they remember about family relationships with parents, grandparents, in-laws and siblings; where they grew up; number of generations in the US; number of siblings and birth order; school attended and to what level; did they work outside the home, doing what, etc.

Have fun with these conversations and while you're at it, be sure to record them. Whether you use tape recorder, a video camera or write it out long-hand, don't lose these moments - these stories are the gift of a lifetime!

Now you have a general understanding of where Vicky-D's are coming from generationally and with this assignment, you'll know where they're coming from personally.