Heart broken? How to let go and move on to be truly happy again.

This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love. You felt like the Universe conspired to bring the two of you together against all odds and all the signs were positive and pointed in the direction of the two of you being together. How do you let go of a relationship like this?

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

—M. Kathleen Casey

Have you ever experienced excruciating physical pain, from a fall or an accident or a pinched nerve and you felt the pain every day, you woke up in the morning feeling the pain every single day, went through your day and routine sensing the pain, dull ache sometimes, sharp pain sometimes and then bearable sometimes…and then one day, as if by magic, you wake up pain-free. You almost have to check, you touch the area and you ask yourself, where is the pain, and you are so grateful because you noticed that it is gone! Heartache is the same.

After a breakup, many experience a sharp physical pain in the chest or a sense of nausea and sickness in the stomach. This is normal and it does go away. I promise.

“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart do not know how to laugh either.”

—Golda Meir

Tears are normal, anger is normal, feeling the pain is normal, wanting to talk about it incessantly with anyone who will listen is also normal, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve till you get to the stage of acceptance. That is when you will wake up and go to bed “pain-free”.

Losing a loved one through a breakup emulates the same sense of loss and grief as losing someone to death. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding happiness again.

There are stages of grief and all of us may go through each one of them or not, and the time we take in each stage also varies depending on our willingness to move on and our past experiences. Some of us may breeze through some stages, because in some way, we already went through them whilst STILL in the relationship.

Generally the five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening” “ I don’t believe this”

2-Anger-"why me?", blaming!

3-Bargaining- this often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the partner who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning the loss of the person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control.

5-Acceptance-You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a relationship. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.


How long were you in the relationship?

How many days were you angry and felt you would be better off alone, or wonder if you could change her or him? Threaten them into doing what you wanted? How many times did you cry or were you upset and dissatisfied with how things really were, out of the entire time?

How often were you drunk when you felt really happy with each other?

How many hours in a day were you truly satisfied and happy?

How much time did you say or think “this will get better”?

How intimate were you really towards the end of the relationship?

Physically? Emotionally?

How well did you communicate? How much did you really say and how much did you hold back?

How many times did you outwardly or inwardly complain about your partner?

Be truthful.

This is a very important step. If you need to, ask your closest friends and family members to help you remember and be truthful about the numbers here.

Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time. If you were slimmer, fitter, not so controlling or jealous, if your mother was nicer to them, if you could cook better, if you had more money to spend on them, if you were smarter, better looking, if you gave more attention, smoked or drank less, dressed better, showed more respect, were more tolerant…

Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won’t give it to you.

Thoughts of jealousy, that he or she will be with someone else faster than you have recovered and that the next person will “benefit” from all the stuff you taught him or her and they will give freely and quickly what you waited so patiently for them to give to you! That the new person better embodied the stuff that you believed he or she wanted in a partner.

This is where you have to be very positive and have utter faith in the Universe that the two of you were brought together to go through the learning and the evolution that you can only do in a relationship. As you may already know, it is in a relationship, more than anywhere else, that we can discover who we are. I seem to remember God telling Neale Walsch in one of the Conversations with God books, that the exquisite gem relationships have to offer is this ability to tell us who we are, and who we are not.

Our relationships, then, mirror back to us what we don't like about the way we think we have to be. The cosmic mirror reminds us what we don't like about what is going on in our life, and reminds us of what we are tolerating that we don't want to tolerate any more.

Those who are wise, when they come up against themselves in this way, ask the question "What is this uncomfortable situation telling me about me?" Those who are unwise ask the question "Why doesn't so and so change?"

So look at the relationship as a course or a workshop, where you got to learn certain things about yourself and KNOW that the learning is embedded in you.

Think of a time when you studied really hard for an exam in school, you learned and you know, however it is only when you read the question that your mind will go in and extract that particular answer, so even if you cannot identify or list all your learnings, know that you have learnt and when the time comes, you will act and come from a new place of “knowing”.

The next person in your life in an intimate relationship will be attracted to the “you post the ex”!

So, if you discover through common friends or facebook that he or she is seeing or committing to another person in a way that they did not do with you, bless them. You loved this person and to love means to truly want the best for the other person and for yourself. If you have ever sold a home, or a car, because you have out-grown it, does it mean that the house or car should remain unused in a museum? Do you want to be the eternal curator?

There is another reason why it’s hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you and you towards them.

It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interacted with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do.

It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn’t care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs.

So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you?

There is no way you could only have his or her good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. His or her bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go. Just like a doctor may recommend that you amputate a bad finger, instead of risking losing the entire hand.

You can’t stop thinking of your ex. You have to find other things to think focus on.

Whatever you do, do NOT think of a BLUE ball now.

What happened there? Honestly? You thought of a blue ball!

NLP is a powerful tool – so hiring yourself a life coach who is trained in NLP will surely support you in moving on.

I am not saying that it takes a fixed number of days or weeks or months, this varies for all of us, but it does not have to take too long. You do not need to give yourself time to move through the stages and reach acceptance and being “pain-free” It can happen in an instant or never, here is where your STRENGTH and willingness to be logical and positive has to kick in.

Time has NOTHING to do with it.

It is all to do with making a decision.

“Once you decide to take the first step toward your success, the universe magically rearranges everything to make it all start happening for you”

The day after a break up or the year after (if youhaven't found a way to heal) may seem like you arewaking up to a nightmare. The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness, you are feeling emptiness. = Emptiness can strip the meaning; from everything from which you once derived enjoymentincluding your job, friends, family, and hobbies.

Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you,

"Hey, what is the point of any of this without him or

her?" Well, there is a point. When you quiet your mind

and look deep within, you know it to be true - your life has

meaning and though it seems impossible, these feelings

will pass.

Fortunately, you don't have to allow time to do the magic.

You can relieve the pain and bring meaning back into your

life now!

Recovery Step 1 – Replace the Triggers

(NLP term – create new pathways)

Identify the main triggers - times, places, and activities that cause you the

most pain and makes you feel the most empty. Create a new option. If it is dinner-time, make sure you have plans for dinner every night. Whether you have a specific movie or show to watch, something to cook, a game or sport to play, find things to negate the triggers. Adjust your old routine.

Recovery Step 2 – Engage a support network

This could be one or five people you can be yourself with and not hide what you are feeling, at the same time, ask them to help keep you busy and occupied, either through hanging out with them or supporting them in their activities.

Even if the last thing on earth you want is to have company, force yourself. You need to be around caring and loving people!

Recovery Step 3 – Rediscover yourself

Start a journey toward self-discovery. As you move through the process of healing, you will also need to explore answers to questions such as "Who am I now?" and "Where do I go from here?" Take time to get to know yourself. One mistake many people make after a relationship ends is almost immediately trying to find a new partner. Most experts suggest waiting before starting a new relationship. During this time, focus on healing, on learning and growing and on getting to know yourself again. Know that we are not the same person yesterday that we are today. We are all transient and who were are at any given moment is changing. We are not the person we are when we step into a movie or read a new book, we all come out slightly altered, knowing and realizing something we did not know before. We are making decisions about our perspective on life every step of the way. So what more with an intimate relationship, we have to acknowledge and appreciate that being with this person for however long altered us in some ways. Many of us change when in a relationship, we try to mould ourselves to better fit in or accommodate the other person, we are a part of two and often put our own preferences on the back burner to either enjoy the other person’s ways or just to spend more time together. This is the time to be you again and get to know the you that you have evolved into “post-the ex”. Make choices about every little thing independently, like what to eat, listen to, where to go and what to wear. And even if you notice that some of these choices are influenced by your ex, they are things that you adopted, because you like them and it is not a bad thing to inculcate them.

Recovery Step 4 – Be the best you

Now is the time to focus on your own needs, wants and desires. Pamper yourself. Splurge a little on things you might have deprived yourself of in the past. At this point you will come to realize that although relationships are nice, you can be everything you ever needed, to yourself. The only true way to attract a positive love into your life is to be independent and to be the best that you can be. Start making plans for the near future independently and remember that even when you meet someone new, these are choices that you made for your life, and a huge learning would be to not let your partner change these plans too much.

Enjoy old interests and explore new ideas. If you loved to listen to music on your iPod, or play the piano, or pat a dog before your relationship but gave it up because the relationship took up too much of your time, now is a great time to go back to doing those things. It's also an excellent time to do the things you've always wanted to do, such as learn to dive or ride a horse or go skydiving or cross-country skiing. Embrace your freedom. You are free again and freedom is and always was your birthright. Look at this as the blessings and opportunity to explore your freedom again. Use this time to invest in yourself and make yourself the best that you can be. Get fit and healthy, look great, build your career, strengthen all your friendships and connections, and explore your spirituality. You have the time now, so do it! Trust that the next person you meet is also using this time to “better” himself or herself and you two amazing people are just “preparing” for the magical moment when your worlds will meet!

“Once you decide to take the first step toward your success, the universe magically rearranges everything to make it all start happening for you” - Malti Bhojwani

It could also be possible that the Universe and all the wonderful opportunities that are yours, are waiting just waiting for you to decide whether you are ready. Once you make that decision, which is to heal and move on, you will notice that like a dam breaking free, your work and financial opportunities and connections will open up as if by magic. All you need to do is decide! I am not suggesting that you can't have it all, or that it has to be this or that, not at all! In fact I do believe that we truly can, however it has to be when there is perfect synergy between your true self and a partner who is being true to him or herself too.

Recovery Step 5 – Clean Up

I am not going to suggest you do or don’t clean up evidence of your ex, photos, gifts, cards, emails, messages. These are just material and they represent an era in your life, which was sacred and beautiful. The time will come when you will be able to look at these things and smile. Songs will often trigger memories of your ex and that is something that you get to keep. I do not believe in bonfires or in pity parties either. As soon as you are over the anger stage, stop rehashing the story to friends and acquaintances. Respecting what you shared is the adult and dignified thing to do. Encourage your friends to be curious about you and your life not about the past. If you must, cut out the people who trigger negative thoughts and words and “make you” talk nastily. If they are true friends and well-wishers, they will be around when you are ready to re-connect with them.

Having said all that, it is crucial for your healing that you DO NOT email, text, bbm, call, or facebook your ex during this period. You may also need to work out some logistics and financial stuff. Arrange to do this quickly although you may be tempted to keep these doors open so you can still contact each other. The “let’s be friends” attitude does not work when you are healing. When all of the logistics have been accomplished, you should avoid contacting each other. That way, you can both get your lives started on your own. I cannot stress more HOW necessary this is to moving on. Only AFTER you have healed, and your paths cross again, will you be able to consider friendship. True friendship is only possible when you are healed.

When you have healed and you hear of your ex's success and that he or she is succeeding and gorwing in their lives, you will feel truly happy and be able to feel pride and joy for them.

Recovery Step 6 - FEEL HAPPY – Express Thankfulness, Appreciation and Gratitude everyday for at least 90 days.

I am sure you have heard of people speaking about the art of gratitude and the benefits it can bring to you.

Did you know that it has now been scientifically proven that regular practice of gratitude can dramatically change your bodies chemistry giving way to a more peaceful body and mind?

The Heart Math Institute has 15 years of scientific research proving that a simple tool like the art of gratitude can dramatically reduce stress and improve performance for individuals and organizations.

If you take 5 minutes every day to write down the things you are grateful for that day, you will have no choice but to feel happy and possibly even smile while you are doing so.

These 5 minutes of giving out happy vibrations will magnetize more happiness back to you.

If you have not already got one, buy yourself a Thankfulness Journal.

The smiling is a great way “to trick” your mind. By smiling, the body sends signals to the mind that you are happy, even if you are not. Eventually the mind WILL accept the state of the body. Even when you are going about your day, force yourself to smile, despite the fact that you feel terrible, read jokes, watch comedies, appreciate and notice the beauty that surrounds you.

This too is simple NLP – (neuro-linguistic programming)

Recovery Step 7 - Honour the love

Do something to honour and cherish the true connection between your ex and you. There was a wonderful part of him or her, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you; there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.

How? In prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions.

When you are ready, send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him or her, send him or her your love. In this way you can still love him or her, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his or her hurtful behavior.

If you believe in NLP and in Angels, you can have a life coach or a NLP Practitioner help you with the “cutting-cord” process.

You may be hesitant to honour your ex. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But it won’t the reason to honor your connection is not to somehow bring your ex-partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of the anger you feel towards him or her. By honoring the gifts he or she gave you, instead of focusing on what he or she did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude for all that you shared together.

Remembering that your ex came as a complete package, combining the very good with the intolerably bad, will give you the strength to not go back into that relationship. And freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to move on and deeply love another person. It is not easy to move on to another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. But follow the steps – especially 1, 2 and 3 above and you will be on your way to being happy single again and when you least expect it, BAM! J

Remember that this is not "Project-getting over your ex", or "Project-dealing with the breakup"

Remember you cannot not think of a blue ball. Or stop thinking of a blue ball. However you can start thinking of a new life. This IS "Project living your best life"

Be the best you.

Physically - if there is weight to lose, use this time to focus on how you want to look, exercise, eat well, build your body, get a new haircut, buy new clothes, clear out your wardrobes.

Financially - set your career, business and work goals and achieve them. Ask yourself how many waking hours do you spend on this pursuit vs. simply wasting time?

Spiritually and Creatively - what does your heart want to create and do? What movies, cds, books have you always wanted to touch? What talents and hobbies do you have that still remain untapped and unexplored?

Adventure - what experiences do you want to have?

Significance - who are the people that you make a difference to? Who possibly missed you when you were in your last relationship?

Remember, you cannot NOT think of a BLUE ball!

Moving on means to have new focus and life purposes.

A good way to discover your purpose and set some goals immediately if to imagine that you are 75 years old and looking

back on your life. You are talking to a young visitor and you are saying to him or her, I had a great life because...fill in the blanks.


Malti Bhojwani, 38 is a Sydney mum, trained life coach and in NLP. She possesses a great sense of humour with which she touches lives across the world. Seeing someone take responsibility for their life by declaring what they want and then working towards it, is what she thrives on. Malti coaches using powerful techniques to help discover strategies and create new ones much after they complete coaching with her. Join her facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Multi-Coaching-Internation...

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