TRUST YOUR PARTNER IMPLICITLY – OR don’t be in the relationship!

If you doubt your partner, it will come through in anything you say. You will be insinuating doubt and suspicion, which will make the other feel un-trusted. The easiest way to sabotage your relationship or marriage is to simply not trust your partner.

By trust I am refering to all levels of trust not just fidelity.

Trusting your partner with money and decisions. Trusting your spouse to look after your kids competently. Trusting that they care about you enough to respect your wishes and not abuse you in any way.

This goes back to my previous article to accept not knowing.

or to quote a little from it:

My biggest fear was that something bad would happen, and it would hit me by surprise, I would not have been expecting it, that I would be the last to know and look stupid. Looking stupid was what I feared more than the actual “bad” events happening in my life.

So in order to “protect” myself from this “not-knowing-ness”, I would conjure up in my mind all the possible terrible things that could be going on “behind-my-back” so that when it all came out, I could say to everyone and especially to myself, that “I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN”

This behaviour, is by the way the BEST way to sabotage any relationship or venture.

It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now we know that our thoughts become our realities. What you think about especially with feelings and passion, will manifest in your world. So, I basically manifested all the “bad” or negative things into my life. Just so that I could be “right” and say that I KNEW!!! ☺

Today my belief is so strong that I don’t allow myself to dwell even for a moment in thoughts of sadness, sickness poverty or betrayal. I am able to pick it soon enough (most of the time) and replace the disempowering thought, vision, feeling with an empowering one instead.

The big lesson for me was to accept not knowing.

It is OK to not know.

Even IF undesirable things were going to happen, it is OK to be caught by surprise. We are all strong enough to face and overcome them if we have to. And now my faith is so strong that I can almost remove myself from an undesirable circumstance, look at it from a higher place and TRUST that “this too shall pass” and that everything does happen for my highest good, even if I can’t see it at the time and even if it hurts while I have to go through the transition.

How to build trust in your relationship

Learn to communicate effectively

In a disagreement, many people spend their time thinking about what they are going to say, rather than listening closely to understand the perspective of their partner. Or, they get caught up in the intense emotions of the moment, which usually disables their ability to hear what the other is saying.

When emotions are flaring, we also tune out thinking the other is being irrational and that anything that is being said will be retracted later. There could be some truth in this, so listen, but be sure not to take anything said in the heat of the moment to heart, and never use it to throw back at your partner.

Give each other time and space and the freedom to deal with the matter in their own way.

As explained in John Gray’s "Men and from mars and Women are from Venus",

When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not emailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept, which means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence.

So guys, the next time your girlfriend/wife goes running to her mother or firends to talk about you, just know that it is the equivelent of you going into your cave to play with your Wii or Nintendo for a few hours.

Ask for what you want clearly and allow each other to say “no” without guilt.

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, if you want them to do something, ask them specifically for what you want. Remember that you are two people brought up in different homes and with different habits and values and to assume that the other should KNOW how and what you want is ridiculous. Never assume that anything is common-knowledge.

When you are uncomfortable or simply do not want to do something, be lovingly firm and say “no”. Allow your partner to say “no” without repercussions too. Even if you are disappointed, accept that you are better off being slightly disappointed than having the person you love lie or pretend to you.

Be your word – keep your promises

Mean what you say and say what you mean. Remember that communication is made up of only 5% the words we utter, the rest of it is: our tone, body language and facial expressions. Even if your partner may not be able to articulate it, they will know when you are not being congruent.

When you say you are going to be home at a certain time, mean it. When you both always do as you say you will do, trust grows. It is the little things that add up. Set reminders in your phone, get your secretary or kid to remind you to, but always do as you say you are going to do. If you agreed to buy milk on the way home, or pick up his dry-cleaning, do so. Take away the need to be reminded or nagged. Can you see how powerful this can be, for a partner to KNOW that something is going to be done just because their partner SAID so.

If you can build this through repeated small actions, then when big re-assurances or promises are uttered, both partners will have faith that it will come to pass.

Have faith that your partner wants the relationship to work as much as you do and that they are as strong as you are.

"But, I don't want to hurt him/her." - That is an assumption that they are not as strong!

The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. Trust that your partner has the internal strength to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. If you don’t trust their intelligence and strength, they will pick up on it and often take on that role so as to avoid confrontation. When we give our partner the truth and we respect that they can handle it, we are empowering them.


Malti Bhojwani, 38 is a Sydney mum, trained life coach and in NLP. She possesses a great sense of humour with which she touches lives across the world. Seeing someone take responsibility for their life by declaring what they want and then working towards it, is what she thrives on. Malti coaches using powerful techniques to help discover strategies and create new ones much after they complete coaching with her. Join her facebook page:

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